So, COLLEGE

Ok, so over the past few months, I have been staring down the giant elephant in my room, taking little jabs at a time, but slowly and surely destroying the monster.  I planned on applying to 8 schools, and I intend to finish applying to my 4th tonight.  Almost halfway there!

So far, I have applied to the Georgia Institute of Technology, the University of Tennessee, and the University of South Carolina.  I am presently working on a scholarship essay for the University of Vanderbilt and will submit the application and scholarship application tonight.  I wish that the schools would reply sooner than they do.  UT will send me my letter in the next week, and Georgia Tech should respond by December 16. 

If you all have not applied for college yet, you should know that this sucks.  Like, seriously, I can't stand writing all these BS Essays.  Even on a good day, it's difficult to accurately describe my goals and merits.  When you want me to throw fluff and pandering into the mix, it makes me feel despicable.  But so far I've managed by living deadline to deadline.  Like, the thing I'm sending in tonight is due tomorrow...  Yeah, can we say procrastination?  But it's whatever.  The process will be mostly complete by January.  Send me wishes of bon chance and all that junk.  Love you guys. 

(P.S. You can probably come closer to figuring out where I live.)

One of the greatest blog posts I have ever read

I read this today because of a facebook link and it is just a rocking post. So, here is the link. I implore you to read this and share it. Maybe even write your own version of the love gospel.

I'm Christian, unless You're Gay

Seriously, this is so true.  I also read the responses that the author shared and considered powerful.  Here is a link to that too.

Powerful Responses to I'm Christian, unless You're Gay

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 Again, please take the time to read and share.  I am eternally  

Grateful

Happy Thanksgiving to Americans and Canadians.  Happy Life to the rest of you.

GSA

Yep, I went today. There was about a 5 or 7:1 ratio of girls to guys. And we talked about transexuality. And some of the branches off of that. But it was quite informative. I somewhat enjoyed it, though i would prefer to have known more people there than I did. I felt REALLY awkward for the first little bit because the person who had invited me got there late. But all in all, it wasn't terrible--pretty cool in fact. I feel like they were really accepting.

And btw, my finger is now wrapped in a big ol' cast. Red because red is the best color. All of this was typed with one hand.

Edit: Oh, and after posting this, I realised that before i attended GSA I had spoken to a girl from one of my classes who said that she did NOT support "gay stuff". We talked about a lot of stuff and we ended up on an issue about books, and that translated to a discussion of why she does not read the same books we are assigned. And eventually, she said that the two things she simply would not read were things about homosexuality and things about something else that slips my mind--quite possibly atheism, though. And so, my opinion of this person changed a little. She may be quiet but that does not mean she does not have the same bigotous opinions of the rest of the US Southern and Midwest Bible Belt.

Sterner Stuff

Be stoic and you'll be fine.  That is all.

jk.  so, news. I broke my finger recently working on a catapult for school.  It's somewhat complex.  So don't ask exactly how.  But yeah, buddy tape and a splint-type-thing.  Fun fun fun fun.  I'm basically typing with my right hand and left index and pinky, which is somewhat annoying. I actually spent an hour today pretending that my whole arm did not work (it was an interesting experience).

And now, a list of things that are significantly difficult with only the use of one hand.

1. Showering
2. Eating things and opening plastic bags.
3. Putting on a backpack
4. Opening doors
5. Playing frisbee
6. Playing video games
7. Rolling up shirt sleeves

Someone in a recent blog post criticized the song Come On Eileen by Dexys Midnight Runners.  I do not understand this. I consider it a perfectly good song.  And something that I noticed is that the song never comes on the radio where I live.  Maybe that's why I actually like the song: it hasn't been drilled into my head in the overt manner of radio stations.

Anywho, I come bearing good news.  And TERRIBLE NEWS.

The good: Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

And the terrible:  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/christina-gagnier/sopa-and-protect-ip-what-_b_1099471.html

They're threatening the accessibility of the internet! We can't let this go on.  Vote down the bills, congress.  If you take away internet music, I might just die.  Like, no joke.

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Update in a land of flowers

Hello.  My dear friends, I want you to know that we live in a wonderful world.  But we should still seek the somewhere that lies over rainbow. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oNHTCglQ_Wk

Somewhere over the rainbow
bluebirds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then oh why can't I?

This song has been floating around in my head for a while now.  It is beautiful and sad.  If only it were true of its own accord.  But as with all things, you have to go out there and make it true.  Good things may come to those who wait, but even the Christians realize that "GOD helps those who help themselves."

In other news, I asked him.  It was really simple, and I did not go for it with my whole heart because I knew the answer from the start.  I just asked him if he wanted to have a sexual relationship--in a few more carefully picked words than that.  No big huge story.  He might have been weirded out for a day or two.  But it seems that we are somewhat back to normal.

I feel like it had a bigger impact on me, though.  I didn't mean to--that happens a lot with love.  But I bit the smitten-train hard.  I was despondent for a good two days.  And then I remembered that high school is going to be lonely--no exceptions.  And I got over it.  I still wish that he could embrace his innate bisexual side (I know it's in there somewhere), but some things just cannot be.  As George Michael says, "I can't make you love me, if you don't."  I'm thinking George might have had the advantage of gender, though... Oh dramatic love and love-lost songs.

We have done a lot in English lately.  We have read Oedipus Rex by Sophocles, Hamlet and Othello by Shakespeare, The Road by Cormac McCarthy, Brave New World by Aldous Huxley, Nineteen Eighty Four by George Orwell, How to Read Literature Like a Professor by Thomas Foster, Heart of Darkness and The Secret Sharer by Joseph Conrad, about 20 short stories, and 47 poems over the past 3 months or so.  We are now balls-deep into Siddhartha by Hermann Hesse and Frankenstein by Mary Shelley.  We hope to continue on to Oscar Wilde's The Importance of Being Earnest, Demian by Hermann Hesse, and Lord of the Flies by William Golding.  I feel like that is a little bit of an overload with Calculus, Physics, biomedical research, and college applications thrown in the mix.  But whatever.  We HAVE done it.  And will most likely continue. 

Have you all been busy lately?  I feel like everybody has been busy lately.  Life is unfair in that aspect.  It does not give us enough time for leisure--or at least, the leisure time seems unsatisfactory.

Leisure is gone—gone where the spinning–wheels are gone, and the pack–horses, and the slow waggons, and the pedlars, who brought bargains to the door on sunny afternoons. Ingenious philosophers tell you, perhaps, that the great work of the steam–engine is to create leisure for mankind. Do not believe them: it only creates a vacuum for eager thought to rush in. Even idleness is eager now—eager for amusement; prone to excursion–trains, art museums, periodical literature, and exciting novels; prone even to scientific theorizing and cursory peeps through microscopes. Old Leisure was quite a different personage. He only read one newspaper, innocent of leaders, and was free from that periodicity of sensations which we call post–time. He was a contemplative, rather stout gentleman, of excellent digestion; of quiet perceptions, undiseased by hypothesis; happy in his inability to know the causes of things, preferring the things themselves. He lived chiefly in the country, among pleasant seats and homesteads, and was fond of sauntering by the fruit–tree wall and scenting the apricots when they were warmed by the morning sunshine, or of sheltering himself under the orchard boughs at noon, when the summer pears were falling. He knew nothing of weekday services, and thought none the worse of the Sunday sermon if it allowed him to sleep from the text to the blessing; liking the afternoon service best, because the prayers were the shortest, and not ashamed to say so; for he had an easy, jolly conscience, broad– backed like himself, and able to carry a great deal of beer or port–wine, not being made squeamish by doubts and qualms and lofty aspirations. Life was not a task to him, but a sinecure. He fingered the guineas in his pocket, and ate his dinners, and slept the sleep of the irresponsible, for had he not kept up his character by going to church on the Sunday afternoons?

Fine old Leisure! Do not be severe upon him, and judge him by our modern standard. He never went to Exeter Hall, or heard a popular preacher, or read Tracts for the Times or Sartor Resartus.

I want to be like Old Leisure, but at the same time, I am tainted with the NEW.  Beware New Leisure.

The Best of "Goddamnit" or "Fucking Hell"?

Today, we will be revisiting the various posts that I have made on this blog.  I have included a short outline of the posts, ranked in descending order of best to less-than-best-but-still-awesome:

1. My Father
2. Who's Right
3. I got bored in some class.
4. Attempt
5. It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims
6. You're such a Narcissist

If you have any other things you can recall from my time as a blogger that you loved either as much as or more than what I have listed here, don't hesitate to comment.  So, onward to the explanations.

1. My Father - This is just one well-written piece, here.   It exclaims logically, quietly, and effectively my feelings for my father and my station in my family.  If I am ever asked to tell how my father has affected my life, I will cite this post.  Also, I feel that I should include a new scene that is shaping my consideration of my father. Here:

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2. Who's Right - The first existential rant.  I garnered a fair bit of attention with this after commenting on Nerstes's blog.  In fact, I think that this post (and my stuff about Pink Floyd) gained me the friendship of Nerstes, Micky, maybe even Billy.  And I am grateful for that.  This references nihilism and Naruto.  What could be a better combination?
3. I got bored in some class. - Oh poetry.  What more can I say than that I love these poems of mine and would like to reform these pieces to give certain parts of them more power.  But I am afraid I might ruin them. I'm also less-than-motivated to rewrite these.
4. Attempt - Again, poetry.  This references the self and the mind--how some things are just too thought-provoking. And how the mind is a wealth of power.
5. It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims - Motivation, questions, Coldplay, role-playing about being young.  What more do you want? I know that I have had a great many rants and incongruous streams of consciousness on here.  They gave me an outlet to face the world.  A productive outlet, at that.  Because I did not mess up my life with existential, nihilistic, paroxysms (Vocab word ftw).  This rant seemed somewhat to make sense.  And I greatly enjoyed writing the dialogue.  It made me feel so justified.
6. You're such a Narcissist - This one is last, because it is not so awesome.  A picture of Narcissus, a tale about what my life is and what is "necessary".  With all the feedback, I realised that I was living on idealism and decided that the post was somewhat stupid.  But I felt like I needed to exposit some things--and a minimalist/survivalist approach seemed appropriate.  I included this last one to show that I am far from infallible and have learned from you all.  

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I hope that you all have enjoyed this trip down memory lane (or exploration into deep depths that was made easier by a tour guide).  Feedback is appreciated.  And again, you may consider other posts of mine to be better.  I just reread through the blog before writing this post, and I felt like doing a little review that would elucidate some of my blog to new readers and those that have not read the blog in its entirety. 

I just realised that I have made 118 posts prior to this one and we are just past the one-year mark.  Thank you for your interest and loyalty.  I love you all.

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

 

desiderata - max ehrmann - 1927

Endgame

Back in March, Rise Against released a new album called Endgame.  Today, I am going to give you a bit of a mini-explication.  Each song title will be a link to the song on youtube.  I will only tell you about the first 3 songs, though.  I might continue later.

Architects - This song expresses the shift of responsibility from the old to the new.  Society is divided into two categories: Architects (those who guide their world as they see fit) and Followers (sheep).  As the old generation's architects die off, who will take their place?  Basically, the song asks the question, "How are you going to govern your fate?"

Help is on the Way - This song talks about those in need of aid.  In the music video for the song, hurricane victims are shown huddled on their roof--trapped by the water encircling their house.  "They said they said, help is on the way... but it never came."  The message of the song is to help those in need.  Disasters happen; people struggle.  It is up to their fellow man to send help.

Make it Stop (September's Children) - MY FAVORITE SONG ON THE ALBUM.  And the music video adds to that tremendously.  Seriously, watch it.  This song is all about dealing with homosexuality as a young person.  So many teens consider committing suicide to escape the torment they feel as an outcast, a weirdo, a sin.  And it needs to stop.  You can do SO MUCH MORE by staying alive.  The music video follows three teens (2 boys and a girl) as they pick up a gun, hang a noose, and climb onto a bridge.  Each has been bullied and is on the edge of ending his or her life.  But just before the end, they decide to go on living.  Once they become a little bit older, they become successful in their own way. 

Please, please.  Don't even consider suicide.  It hurts so many people--and not the ones that might deserve it.  Continue living.  Fight through the pain.  Find some sort of outlet.  But don't harm yourself.  Just think of when you are an adult, and you can help those around you.  YOU CAN MAKE THE WORLD RIGHT.  But you end all chance of that--all chance of justice, happiness, truth--when you take your own life.  The ending sequence of the video shows people who have made it through the rough, horrible years and found happiness.

IT GETS BETTER, I promise.  This may sound trite to you, but it is so powerful when you see the number of people who believe it and offer you their support.  There are people who love you.  Plenty of people.  And as much as they want to help, they need you to help yourself.  I.e., DO NOT COMMIT SUICIDE. PLEASE.

To all my new readers, this is just one more year

Recently, I had a birthday. YES! I am now 18. I can officially go buy lottery tickets, guns, porn, cigarettes, and a plethora of other less-than-useful THINGS. I can also vote and go to big boy jail. 18 is not really that awesome of a birthday, but it marks a transition from the frivolity of boyhood to the stern, free-form jazz of a man.



I, however, have decided that "maturity"--or as some might call it "dullness"--is not for me. Over the past 18 years, I have been developing a complex, personal morality that allows me to be a good citizen, person, and friend. For this, I do not require maturity as it is commonly seen.

So, this birthday does denote that I am growing. But in terms of efficacy, this is just one more year.

Scottie, thank you for your shout on about this blog. It was very nice and well-executed. To you readers, go check out Scottie's Toy Box if you have not already done so.


http://scottiestoybox.com/

I hope you all have a wonderful day. Enjoy the nyan jazz.

Menage a deux

So far, I have told 10 people.  3 straight males.  1 butch.  1 bi girl.  And 5 straight girls.  I am actually in a bit of a competition with the butch to see who can tell the most people.  She might actually be winning--but not by her own intention.  I have told all 10 of my people.  She has told 7 intentionally--one of which told two other people, making her total 9.  She recently wrote about it on a college app.  She thought it would go straight to the college, but her guidance counselor checked over her application.  So 10 people (that she knows) know about her sexuality.  Technically, we are tied.  But I think I'm winning.

Anyway, why can't more guys be bi or gay?  Life has been disheartening lately.  I've told myself that I am just going to wait until college before I get into any relationships.  But it's definitely a challenge to live romantically alone.  Especially as a teenager.

Lately, I have considered proposing friends with benefits with one of my best male friends.  I don't think he would be offended or weirded out (that's why it is an option to propose it at all).  I told him I was gay a week ago.  And I decided that I would wait at least 1 month before proposing friends with benefits.  But yeah, waiting is not a fun game.  Barriers, why?

As far as a social life goes, life has been minimum.  School has been kicking my ass.  I have AP Calculus, AP Literature and Composition, and Honors Physics.  Calculus homework every night.  Essays, and all sorts of reading shit for English.  Not to mention our research paper due Monday.  And finally, large homework assignments in Physics and huge (6-15 pages typed) lab reports (which the teacher is incredibly picky about).  Also, I am performing medical research in my spare time: lately, I have been so busy that I cannot do that much.

A note about my English research paper: My gaydar for literature is functioning properly.  I DEFINITELY remarked one day while reading, "Oh, wow.  That sounds really gay.  I think my author is gay."  I looked it up, and sure enough, he has gay themes throughout his books and stuff.  Joseph Conrad, btw.  I have more to say about my topic than can be well-expressed in the space given, but I think my paper will be good.  The rough draft is complete.  I just have to edit and finagle in some citations.  I would rather just write about things that I picked up on in the book, but apparently that is not good enough for literary analysis: I must have other sources than just my books.  I am not allowed to have my own ideas.

Questions? Questions? Does anyone have any questions?

Brave New World

Finally, Finally, Finally!! We have come at last to the Aldous Huxley work that completes the set of dystopian society.  1984, George Orwell's response to Huxley's Brave New World, highlights the more communist, highly government regulated totalitarianism of brutality.  Brave New World highlights the more capitalist/consumerist side of a world ruled by pleasure.  Give in to the state and you shall have everything you ever wanted.  Ease, convenience and un-passion are the staple of Huxley's Brave New World.

Yay.  Give in to the pleasure!

Paul's Case

The Text

Apparently, it is about being gay and such. Written in 1904 by Willa Cather, the themes of homosexuality, freedom (and its opposite), extravagance, and individuality shine true in this short story.

The point of view is mostly limited to Paul. With an ironic style, disdainful tone, and romantic mood, Willa Cather tells a somewhat formal tale about a teenage boy--Paul--and his eventual suicide. Throughout the story, Paul feels trapped in the monotony of Cordelia Street life. He only truly lives in the theatre as the viewer of great drama.

A symbol that comes through in the story is Paul's red carnation which symbolizes his vitality and flamboyance. Another symbol that comes through in this story is the exuberance and exhilaration of the limelight. This limelight possibly symbolizes an addictive desire for the drama of the stage.

Again, the major themes that could be divined from this short story are homosexuality, freedom (and its opposite), extravagance, and individuality. Some other themes that can be found in this story are isolation, loneliness, and spectatorship.

This story really reminded me of J.D. Salinger's The Catcher in the Rye. It holds the same denial and hatred for life that a teenager might feel in the face of all the hypocrisy and evilness of life. Whereas Holden Caufield obtained help and counseling, Paul did not. Paul kills himself by jumping in front of a train.

The sound of an approaching train woke him, and he started to his feet, remembering only his resolution, and afraid lest he should be too late. He stood watching the approaching locomotive, his teeth chattering, his lips drawn away from them in a frightened smile; once or twice he glanced nervously sidewise, as though he were being watched. When the right moment came, he jumped. As he fell, the folly of his haste occurred to him with merciless clearness, the vastness of what he had left undone. There flashed through his brain, clearer than ever before, the blue of Adriatic water, the yellow of Algerian sands.

He felt something strike his chest,--his body was being thrown swiftly through the air, on and on, immeasurably far and fast, while his limbs gently relaxed. Then, because the picture making mechanism was crushed, the disturbing visions flashed into black, and Paul dropped back into the immense design of things.

Anyway, thought you guys might enjoy this at least a little bit. I know it is dark, but it is a good read.

Breaking Benjamin Chill-ness

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So chill.

DNA and a short statement on belief.

DNA: Deoxyribonucleic acid.

Between 2.2 and 2.6 nm wide.  A double helix--a twisted ladder.  Alternating sugars and phosphates as the outside of the ladder with four base-types connected in the middle with hydrogen bonds, thus making the rungs of the ladder.

 The bases in the middle are Adenine h-bonded to thymine or guanine h-bonded to cytosine--always a purine attached to a pyrimidine. 

Use and Storage of DNA

So, how does this DNA stuff work?  Well, basically the pattern of the four bases designate certain sequences as genes; the basic function of a gene is to produce proteins.  So basically, DNA guides development by dictating the proteins that are produced by cells.

Most of DNA is dormant--simply in-between sequences that are not used as genes at all.  So, how is DNA used?  Well, DNA is used to create RNA, which is used to create proteins.  In this process, RNA copies and translates DNA through a process called transcription.  So, if the nucleus of the cell is like the hard drive of a computer, then DNA is all of the little data files that designate what actions a computer takes.

So, how is DNA kept? Like, does the cell have a refrigerator or pantry or something?  Basically, DNA is kept in the nucleus in conglomerations called chromosomes.  The double helix, DNA, is again about 2 nm in length.  It is wrapped around a set of proteins called histones.  There are basically 5 histones.  Histone 1 (which is not actually necessary for DNA to function properly and is only used to help compact DNA), histone 2A, histone 2B, histone 3, and histone 4--here referred to as H1, H2A, H2B, H3, and H4. Two units of each of the four H2-H4s combine to form a structure called the nucleosome.

When DNA is not compacted (when the cell is not undergoing mitosis), DNA is generally not visible.  Sometimes, though, it can be seen under the microscope as what appears to be beads on a string.

In this form, the DNA strings (including the nucleosome beads) are about 10 nm in width.  During mitosis, DNA is more compact.  It is still in a string form, but the strings are folded in a certain way.  It is not known for certain how the nucleosome string packs together, but when it does, it is about 30 nm wide.

These 30 nm fibers make up the coils of the condensed chromosome.  When chromosomes are in their condensed form, they look like an X, which will be broken apart during mitosis as the chromosome is broken into two sister chromatids.  The final chromosome is about 1400 nm, each sister chromatid being about 700 nm in width.

Here is a summation of the structure of the chromosome:

Belief

I believe in the decency of man. I believe in peace. I believe in equality. We as humans only have this one existence. Let's use it, explore it, love it.

(BTW, I wrote all of this. I took the images from wikipedia or a google search. So. Hope it was coherent and that you liked it.)

Meaning of Life Number 2

Ok, Bros (I'm only talking to one bro, though--maybe with a ho thrown in--since only one bro actually reads this and comments), so what I want to talk about today is the meaning of life.  A while back, one of my friends took off with an idea that another friend had about a lot of people writing down the meaning of life, and then putting it together in book form. Well, he kind of put it on hold for a while and never really started back up, but still, the intent was there. So, the meaning of life.

Well, as you may have guessed, the only objective meaning that can be found is "to die". As far as subjective meaning goes, that varies from person to person because it is a personal opinion.  So guess what! I'm gonna tell you my updated version of "meaning of life" (for the original one, go here).  Ok, so there are two contributing factors and then a final product, a final meaning.

Factor 1: Struggle. To do anything in this world, you have to fight. You have to consider, attack, and defeat.

Factor 2: Peace. At the same time that you are struggling, you must be at peace. That may seem like an oxymoron or a contradiction, but it's not.

Knowing others is intelligence;
knowing yourself is true wisdom.
Mastering others is strength;
mastering yourself is true power.

If you realize that you have enough,
you are truly rich.
If you stay in the center
and embrace death with your whole heart,
you will endure forever.

From Tao Te Ching, Chapter 33
As translated by S. Mitchell, 1995

So what is the result? What is the meaning there? The meaning is in the fact that you have completed a quest. You have sought and found. Ultimately, the combination of struggle and peace should give you at least some sense of success in whatever you do. The individual meaning will be individual and specifically different for all of us.  I'm not even sure what my end goal is in life. I read somewhere that you are supposed to be able to look back on your life when you are old and smile at the memories (One of those motivational posters).

I have an idea, but it is not quite concrete, though I will attempt to give you a concrete end-goal: I want to be satisfied. I want to be semi-wealthy. I want to have a sense that I have made a difference--not on the world--but on lives. I want to help people that are like me--thereby helping myself. I want the affliction of people like me lifted. There is little purpose for it besides the sadism of an unfair universe.

So, I intend to lift that sadism from the lives of, at the least, a few decent souls.

Gay Bar

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Frickin' Hilarious and AWESOME SAUCE. :3

Mon pere

The other day my dad made a joke that a man at our church is a failure because his son turned out gay.  And I think that irony is hilarious--however awfully bigot-ish in nature the remark was.

School in 1984

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First day of my high school final year tomorrow! I'll be a senior!! Kind of excited. Also, 1984 is a rather technical book.

Anyway, enjoy your life!

More experience

I had vodka this time; it is by far my favorite. It did not taste nearly as much like medicine without the added flavor as did the whiskey. It was not as nasty-ass terrible as the wine. And it does not smell like beer does. I still would not choose to have it as a pleasure drink--it's purpose is explicitly to be drinking alcohol. But it's not too bad.

This time, I also tried weed. As one of my compatriots called it, "mary jane". I think I did it wrong. But whatever. I was told that the first time I wouldn't feel anything. And it was no lie. I felt nothing under my layer of alcohol. But again, could have been because I did it wrong. Whoooooo knowwwwws?

And now I introduce two glee videos that I like. One because it is a rather unique cover of a pop hit of a great artist, the other because it is the best version of the song I can find online.

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Next time, I'll try the rum. And if we happen to run out, I will Jack Sparrow it up. Sorry for just a physical update. I can't think right now because I'm reading this book called "How to Read Literature Like a Professor" whilst attempting to perform a research experiment and think about college. It's draining me mentally. So I will see you next time. I'll have a couple more youtube song videos and then I'll update again. YAY. These music posts are like my favorite songs. (I am a super fan of all the music on this blog; the times haven't changed me too much)

Paper Wings

100 Goals to Accomplish before Death

1. Get fucked, Bitch
2. Fuck some bitches, hoe
3. Have an awesome (lazy) morning after scene
4. Cosplay
5. Flash mob of “Time Warp”
6. Drop a ring in a volcano
7. See all 7 Harry Potters in a row (w/ friends, theatre style)
8. See all 4 tLotR movies in a row (w/ friends, theatre style)
9. See/read the end of Naruto
10. Conquer Mount Midoriyama (Ninja Warrior)
11. Be a part of an ‘80s dance scene (Flowers for Algernon)
12. Go to some event in an all-black suit w/ a black guy in an all-white suit
13. Enter a church service w/ some ghetto atheists and “Hallelujah!” it up
14. Learn French completely
15. Learn Spanish completely
16. Learn Japanese completely
17. Learn to play all the instruments
18. Eat all the things
19. Ride a Totoro Catbus
20. Start a way-house for gay kids that have been thrown out of their homes
1. Cooperate with schools and state to contact kids
2. Funding (personal and professional)
21. Have a kick-ass, sound-proof music room
22. Fund Gay-Straight-Alliance clubs at schools
23. Pay back family ASAP
24. Career plan: Go to good tech college, get bachelor’s degree in chemical engineering, work in industry, have them pay for my master’s degree, work for years and get rich-ish, go back to school and get Ph. D./ doctoral degree and teach or sth
25. Design speeches/presentations/talks to give in regard to homosexuality

How lame, I only got to 25/100.

Total Eclipse of the Heart Glee

Guys, I need y'all so much.  like a whore in heat.  Right now, I'm pretty much a sorostitute.  GLEE RACHEL BERRY FINN I DON'T KNOW HIS LAST NAME PUCK JESSIE DON'T KNOW LAST NAMES.

I just don't understand the human need for drama.  Are we really so selfish as to be bored?

Bright Eyes

Glee and other Adventures

I am officially a gleeek.  I've watched 17 42-45 minute videos of the show--that's 12 hours of video (not counting loading time).  Wow, BITCHES.  Think of how much time you spend doing the mundane--eating, cooking, doing up the personal hygiene.  Then think of how much time you spend sleeping.  Like, seriously, 1/3 of your life is spent basically dead.  WTF?

Ok, so bros, I'll now go into an analysis of some of the characters I've seen so far.

Like, first off, RACHEL BERRY (trying to get web hits... LOL).  dah duh dah duh dah.  Um, so far, they are showing her as the super-talented but annoying and socially inept dreamer singer.  And uh, that's cool.

And like, KURT HUMMEL--super gay, bitches.  It's almost not even acceptable how fabulous he wants to be.  I love his role in the show, though it is intimidating that that is how many people might now see gay people.  Like, we're not all that fabulous!  Most of us are pretty simple--swimming in a sea of other simple people.  It's just that our... PREFERENCES are more sophisticated.

HAHAHAHAHA FANFICTION WITH A CHARACTER THAT HASN'T BEEN INTRODUCED ON THE SHOW IN WHAT I'VE WATCHED SO FAR!!!  http://kurtandblaine.com/ CHA BITCHES!!

So like, those are my two favorite so far.  Baby drama is just annoying.  I realize that the point of GLEE is to be way over the top about DRAAAAAMA but ya know, I can only handle so much.  ESPECIALLY when I'm not habin no babies, brah!  SOOOOOoooooo,,,,,........ . . . . . .   .    .        . AHA I FEEL HYYYYGH!!!

Um, so like, I had my first drink of poison a couple weeks ago.  Decided to call it quits at the equivalent of only 6 shots on my first go, though.  The wine just started tasting terrible--LIKE MEGA-SUPER ULTRA-DUPER UBER TERRIBLE.  In fact, all of it tasted horrible.  But the wine was the worst.  Here is a short list of my escapades:

• Cinnamon WHISKEY (legit tasted like a fireball--the hot spicy gumball-like not-gum candy)
• Normal WHISKEY (blegh)
• Nasty-ass honey WHISKEY (blegh-er)
• White WINE (OMG had to have a cherry powerade chaser)
• BEEEhEEEhEEEhEEEEEEER (NOTE: drink dis-here d'after drinking da d'harder d'liquor--not before)
• I was told that the RUM was horrible
• And as a P.S. in the middle of the S., Some of the whiskey was downed in a limeade-sprite-whiskey mix

I was hoping that the ALCOHOL would get everybody a little bit out of mind, but, ugrjh,  no dice.  It just made everybody feel swimmy.  LOL we were like swinging our heads back and forth looking at the stars 'cus it was just plain fun.  And bitches, it was fun.  One of my friends, MR. FUN TO LOOK AT--the one that allowed us to get close to this forbidden fruit--is a notorious drunk stripper.  BUT DAYUM bitches, he only downed the shorts once--AND ONLY FOR A FEW SECONDS.  TWAS DISHEARTENING.  I'm really strung out over it. OH pshaw grannies, he had boxers on.  We didn't see the fruit of his loins.

Ok so like, school starts in what? TWO WEEKS?  UGH summer, I'm almost going to miss you--though I can't wait to be stuck with my friends for hours everyday.  MUAHAHAHAHA ITS THE SHY MAN'S PARADISE!!!!

THE WINE WAS SO NNNNNN - NNNNN - NNNNN - NNNNNAAAAASSSSSTTTTTYYYYYYYY!!!

My father

I do not know if I have written on this subject before.  It has been popping in and out of my head lately.  I love the guy.  Well, mostly.  Sometimes, I hate him.  But we'll get to that later.

My father is a general contractor--he builds stuff.  He is presently somewhere in his late-forties, and he married my mother when he was in his twenties.  They met in college.  He was striving to become an engineer; she an educator.  Only one is now what he/she tried to be.  He could not complete his degree program and switched his major; she (eventually) became the director of a preschool and then a teacher of teachers.  In summary, he did not quite live up to his college goal.

He is always doubting himself when it is not something that he knows--he knows building and sports.  When it comes to writing, spelling, using any new technology, he is an intimidated puppy.  He shields himself by hiding behind his lack of early school-training prowess, dyslexia, and his unhelpful parents.  If he is not winning, he hides behind his spotty ignorance and occasional stupidity, and he will try to be the martyr.  He will take on as much weight as he can, and when he fails, it is because everyone else gave him too great of a burden.  Perhaps that is his biggest flaw.  I guess he would be termed as lacking confidence and self-destructive.

He can be a kind individual.  He socializes and can talk to people for hours.  But he is also partly where I got my loner-ish qualities from.  Think back to how he wants to be a martyr.  He is large of girth and stuck in many of his ways.  He likes to be funny, and he is the best person I know at putting words in people's mouths.  He is known to quote people on things they've never said.  But he means well.

He is flawed in a number of ways though.  Certain members of my family are flawed in certain ways (what a universal statement: people are flawed).  My brothers are bigots: they are racist against pretty much every race but their own (the white folks down south), they hate gay people, and they call themselves Christians.  What a horrible combination.  My mother is not too bad in the tolerance section of life, though I'm pretty sure she said that she would hate for one of her children to be gay.  : / Poo.  And finally, the man about whom this post is written. 

My father is racist because two of his sons are racist and the other has given up on making his family politically correct.  All the failed attempts condition a man to realize that some people are just not worth the effort.  My father hates gay people and has said that he would either disown or kill his son if he had a gay one (I believe the latter threat was an exaggeration and a boast).  He, too, is a Christian--a Methodist.  Perhaps hypocrisy has trained me to hate the idea of Christianity as practiced by so many bigots and hypocrites.

My relationship with my father is one of ambivalence and secrecy.  He is proud of me and yet disappointed--he would be almost hateful of me if only he knew about my sexuality.  I love him and yet at once hate him--hate the ideals he stands for, the prejudices he holds, the fact that those prejudices can exist in a good man.  I've cried because of the fact that he hates me for my existence, regardless of my qualities.  It's irrational. 

Of course, since I am not out of the closet and our relationship in that aspect IS one of secrecy, I cannot say for sure his actions.  Perhaps he has lived in this need-to-be-PC world long enough to forgive me of my "inequities".  Maybe his words are all just idle and subject to peer and familial pressure.  I would like to think that he would still love me if he discovered I was gay.  But I find that situation doubtful.  If I was to tell my family, I honestly believe that I would not be allowed to live in this house anymore.  And damn them, too, if that is how it would turn out.  But it is quite possible that that would ruin much of my life--ruin what happiness there is left in it. 

So, silence is golden.  I will live my lie for a few more years and find solace in the fact that I am the martyr that my dad has taught me to be.

Frickin' rocks my socks.

This song gave me shivers and practically made me cry when I figured out what it was about and then watched this video.

To Billy

Billy, Thank you for all your comments. Thanks to everyone for all your comments. I love getting comments. I do not know if you all look at my responses, but generally, they wrap up what I was trying to say. The last comment you made, Billy, caught my eye. You said that "life does get better".

And I just wanted to say in response to this that I understand that statement. I am sorry if my posts seem angry or depressed or whatever the hell you want to call it. You want happiness, go to a birthday party or the beach or some other such place of joy. I tend to be morbid and critical of my situation. I try not to be, but the point of this blog is for me to have a sort of vent. I can say just about whatever the hell I want to say on here. So it is my place to rant, to jive with the gremlins, and to let off steam.

Perhaps you all getting tired of this, my blog genre. I might make a post here in a bit where I dance in the rainbows of happiness. I'll try. But on to the madness.

We really live in a calm world. It's not truly mad. Just prone to chaos.

I wrote this whilst SAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaddddddd at my summer camp

"June 25th, 2011

Hello,

I am writing this to see if I can write a suicide note. I am not it in my mind to commit suicide; I am too lazy to do that. But I still want to see if I can do it (write this, not commit suicide).

So first off, what makes my life so unbearable? Nothing specific, really. I guess that I just feel lonely too much. I've thought and thought and thought to oblivion about why I'm lonely, and I've come to a few conclusions.

I'm gay (or at least mostly gay), and being gay can be a difficult thing to live through. It is somewhat of a given that gay people are always striving to prove worth (that's what people do), and when this is the goal (and a hefty one at that), everyday is a lonely struggle to distinguish oneself, to prove that my existence is not an insult, not an abomination, not a disorder, not a fluke, but rather a simple thing. So many people seem to be judging me and finding me unworthy.

I'm intelligent, and I think and think and think, all the time, about how fucking retarded it is to always try to struggle. I see the events of the past, and I desire peace. I want wholeness. I want everybody to get along and feel happiness and rainbows and unicorns. I'm not a flamer; I'm a quiet, maybe shy introvert who is generally lazy and yet weary/wary of life with/without anxiety and worry.

When I try to write things like this, essays about feelings and all that crap, I have a strong desire about halfway through to just rip up the paper. I said up there somewhere thatI am an introvert. Well, I am also a loner. In so many social situations, I find myself wanting to just leave, escape from the nauseating small talk, the trivialities of "How are you?"s and the distance, the odd strangeness and unattached disjunction. I find myself seeing everything in a hypocritical light--though I myself am a hypocrite. Ironic, right? Well I guess I keep seeing irony too.

And I miss my friends. I have a friend named AC.  We've been texting alot lately.

Currently I am separated from my friends at a summer school type-thing. The only somewhat good friend I have here is named Friend 1, and she is a red-head. It would be difficult to describe these friends in detail, but I'll include a quick reference chart.

I have another friend named Friend 2. He's hot, totally straight, and such a fun thing to loook at. What can I say? I'm smitten. Apparently, he gets "super gay" when drunk; I'm looking forward to testing that. But I don't just like him for his body; he's also got rather loner-ish tendenceies. And he sees the hypocrisy, too. He sees it and hates it. But he's fun, too. If only, if only, the woodpecker cried.

Now I'm down to two major ones. The first one is named BB; he's a Mormon. We've had many a theistic, meaning-of-life talk. He's such an artist, and his life's ambition is to become a legendary film-maker and reform Hollywood. He is the knower of much about me. (BTW, Friends 1 and 2 don't know about my gayness, but these others do).

And finally, we come to LadyLuck. In the 8th grade, I had a major crush on LadyLuck (it might have started in 7th grade). But either way, she was super cute, smart, and fun. All the things a boy would want. But whether by fate, our mutual shyness, her boyfriend, or some other factor, we never hooked up. And I think I'm glad we didn't. Because now, we are supposedly the best of friends. (It's odd; we don't seem to talk that much anymore.) She was the first person I told, and she must know a whole lot about me. Nobody knows everything, though. Anyway, we're pretty tight.

It's funny. Writing about my friends has vastly improved my mood, though I'm still somewhat in the mood to keep writing. But I have lost my gusto. So, I'll stop here for now. Oh right, I was going to speak to people, my family mostly, and muse about what your lives will be like without me. Okay, so next time. For now, I'm off to play Pokemon."

And I stopped there. I did not resume. But I felt like sharing. So... there it is. Here is the reference chart I said I would include.

BB - (male) Dreamer, boundary breaker, tester, Mormon	Lady Luck - (female) Super nice, somewhat absent, fun and cute	AC - (female) sarcastic, innocent, nice bamf
Friend 1 - (female) Blabbermouth, redhead, nice though a bit of a "leader", best when tired	Friend 2 - (male) Scientific, thinker, of the transvestite, frisbee-playing variety	Friend 3 - (female) Flowery, glomping English major
Friend 4 - (female) fiery, reader, "I won't take your shit", 1/2 redhead	Friend 5 - (male) follower of BB, ex-boyfriend of Friend 1	Friend 6 - (female) Dances with Fire, You should be reading, kind, fun, NAZGUL

I'm back!!

Sorry for leaving you guys with no warning. I realized too late that I had not said goodbye. I was stuck on a college campus for five weeks with only university computers to use--and apparently they monitor those. I didn't really want to risk it. But I'm back now!!

YAY!! Ok, so a lot has happened in the past 6 weeks. Just expositing it to you is a daunting task. But basically, I was at this camp-type-thing where we took a couple college classes in 5 weeks. And it rocked!!

I had a roommate who was my interest double. He was a LotR geek. He liked Naruto and Bleach. He even had the same gameboy (color, broken battery cover and all) and gameboy game I had. Twas freaky. The only two ways we majorly differed were our sexuality and our religion. Also, he was a slight bit more outgoing and social than I am. (friend 1) (I tried to sneak peaks of him in the shower in the morning. I saw him through the foggy shower door several times, but nothing much more than an outline of him. I was kind of disappointed.)

I had a few a good friends while there. Besides my roommate, there were these two girls--one a country-ish blonde, the other a brunette introvert. I think the blond one liked me a bit, but as always I played the role of heart-breaker. I think the brunette really liked me the first two weeks, but then her roommate and I had a bit of a fight--and we became less-close friends because her roommate was an overbearing, self-centered whore sometimes. (friends 2 and 3 and some of 7)

There was this tall guy who was rather fun to be around. He was interesting, really affectionate (he won "most huggable'), and yet not gay. Damn. There was this red-head that I met there, and she was really nice and acted cute. There was a Japanese girl who liked manga and could draw manga-style. I guess our group was full of folks who had random loves and so were somewhat of odd fits in many social groups. (friends 4,5, and 6)

And finally the overbearing, self-centered female from above. She goes to my high school, and we've been good friends for the past year or so. She's a nice girl. She's also a red-head. And she can be really loud. She goes through boys like Sherman through Georgia. And apparently, she is really easy to begrudge. I took her phone for like 20 minutes one night and started 5 conversations with some of OUR friends from before this camp (none of them cared). And she decided to ignore me for a week with the intent of no longer being friends. (She even unfriended me on facebook.) So I'm not on the best terms with her at the moment, but whatever, ya know. If she's that easy to offend, then I don't know if I want to be that good of friends with her. Oh, and the final member of our "group" of friends at the camp: her boyfriend. He was always embarrassed to be around us because we did some stupid things--like shout French and korean words in the university cafeteria to see if people would look (only a few people ever looked, surprisingly)--but he loved hanging out with us. (friends 7 and 8)

And those are the main friends that I made in the past 6 weeks. I'll exposit more later on. For now, I'm going to continue listening to Sufjan Stevens so that I don't feel lonely.

The one thing I've never had

A sense of belonging.  I'm almost always an outsider.  I just don't fit anywhere.  People love me, but I don't feel like I am a part of their world. 

And again, I don't care.

When all goes to hell

http://concessioncomic.com/

Concession was a good comic.  I looked up to Immelmann for a while.  I'm abit apathetic about Immelmann now--Concession still elicits good thoughts.

For the past few weeks, I just have not cared about posting.  I truly have nothing to say--well nothing that is worth saying and that I can articulate well.  The French word for nothing is "rien".  The latin for it is "nihil".  The French use "of nothing" (de rien) for "you're welcome" (or at least that's what my French teacher told me).

Perhaps I have not cared about posting because I have had nothing to care about lately.  In general, there has been nothing worth lamenting lately--at least, that's how it is in my little neck of the woods.  Or at least, my life has been going so well that it has drowned out the bad.

Something is growing on me, though.  That same loneliness.  AC, BB, and a few others have been greatly awesome the past couple weeks, but I want more (not with them; they're fine as is).  No, I want a man skilled at pleasing.  A scientist worthy of my efforts.  A philosopher to teach me.  A compatriot to enjoy.  A third willing to threesome with me and my nonexistant numero uno.  LOOOOOOL.

Something else is now growing on me.  Why is life good?  I had been assuming that this was a true statement.  But now,  I realize that I was just making the most of the situation.  My life could be so much more.  LOL.  (btw, lol is not el oh el.  It is loll.  Like troll with an L at the beginning instead of tr.)

LIFE, WHY CAN'T YOU BE IDEAL!?!?!?!  AAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTRRRRRRRRROOOOOPPPPPHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't care.

Big whoop

I just don't see the big deal about not following tradition.  What's wrong with deviating from the norm?  Hell, my ideal future--in its simplest form--is finding at least one good mate.  But i think that having alot of mates would be pretty awesome.  Maybe I'll be a non-married polygamist (i.e. pimp-daddy prof).  P.S. "mate" is just a better word than "lover" or "significant other" because lover is too intense and significant other is lamely PC.

Image from http://www.weknowawesome.com/2011/03/10/the-sanctity-of-marriage-no-for-gays-yay-for-celebrities-edition/

Address to the people--be you anonymous or known

Hello, my fellow blogians.  I have been busy lately, and it seems sometimes a drag to write these posts.  But I do my best.  So, I want to revisit an event that happened to me around the date of March 9, 2011.  I was pickpocketed by a dirty rotten thief.  What a preposterous thing to do.  Don't worry if you had not read that post; I succeeded in reclaiming my property (an expensive calculator Ti84 for those of you wondering). Despite my father's prodding, I did not pursue the matter with a principal of the school or other administrator. 

But I wanted to talk about the young man that committed the act.  His name is Lucas.  I won't tell you a fictional story about how he was really just trying to call out for help or for a friend.  I will tell you, however, that we have coexisted from that point until now with no other problems.  We have even spoken as equals with no qualms against each other.

This did not happen because I did not rat on him.  It did not happen because he realized the error of his ways.  No, several things have happened since then, and I doubt that a single one made us "peaceful coexisters" moreso than the facts that I dislike conflict and am generally willing to forgive--provided that there is no umbrage of an unjust act overhanging the situation--and the fact that he did not continue to pursue the issue (i.e., we left each other alone mostly). 

In the 2.5 months since this happened, the boy's mother died.  As my teacher put it, he has a not-great family situation and was possibly close to some very bad decisions.  But he pulled through.  I would like to thank my teacher for that.  I feel like he was the main reason that Lucas did not fall into a very bad situation.  I feel like he had a profound effect on Lucas.  As the semester progressed, he gained Lucas's respect, and by the end of the semester, Lucas basically saw the teacher as a good adult figure in his life--possibly the best adult figure in his life.  By the end of the year, Lucas was always polite to the teacher, and he actually stayed awake every class (along with that, he tried to come to class every day).

I do not necessarily think that I had any big impact on Lucas.  I think that just being around decent human beings was what made him change.  From the first day of the year, our teacher said that his impression of his students was based on what actions they took in his class room--not by some prejudice from their looks, wealth, race, sex, past actions in the school, reports of past teachers, or any such prejudgments.  And I really think that that decency is what changed Lucas.  I also think that perhaps his mother's death freed him from certain things--be it his role in society, his place UNDERNEATH another human being, or the immediate amount of money that he might have had.

Anyway, Anonymous (not Ladyluck), I hope that answers your questions.  I don't really remember them now.  Anyway, I want you to read this.  And feel like you have had an impact.  And feel like man has some sort of decency to it.

Haha, Everybody has had finals

I have become a gleek.  Damn.  Sort of.  I've seen like 3 episodes.  And I don't care how stereotypical it is, I love it.

Are you a dreamer?

We live in an imperfect world.  This is something that we eventually have to accept.  It does not mean that life can be made fair, that we can have a just society.  There is no such thing as natural justice--things happen based on cause and effect.  Granted, there are a lot of causes that bring about lots of effects, are skewed by other causes and effects, and skew other causes and effects.  But as a whole, the universe is rather logical.  So does that really mean we live in an imperfect world?  Yes, while nature is perfect and logical, humans are not.  Humanity corrupts the nature of nature.  It is the one great scourge upon life.

That is where we dreamers come into the picture.  We create.  We identify and seek.  We make things out of what was not there to begin with.  And that is a wonderful occurrence.  If not for dreamers, would life be worth living?  (Yes, yes it would.)

The true question is not 'what do dreamers do?'  It is not 'why would I want to be one?'  It is 'How can I become a dreamer?'  And the answer is that it is generally a natural thing--not something that can be emulated well.  Now, luckily we all have a natural capacity to dream.  But it is up to you to fulfill your dreams.  (BTW, that's how you become a dreamer--you strive for your dreams.)  Tata, I'm off to school for our last week this semester.

I got bored in some class.

Poem #1

She's running, running
Running for the races.
This terrible evil
This immoral mass.
insurmountable, immaculate, unkind.
Man's creation and downfall
Concerned with God, she flies.
Yet running, running.
Running for the races.

Poem #2

Let's Dream.
Let's fly.
Let's imagine.
In that blue, blue sky
We'll sail.
We'll run, we'll jump,
we'll prance the clouds.
As if we have something
SUPERIOR
something grand--so great
that it beats jabberwocky's,
sponges, and purple dogs.
Yet we'll do; we'll know,
We'll BE.
In that land of fluff, that lifetime of limited possibility.
We'll be.

LOL

Sore throat, Bad score, Space Jam

Somewhat self-explanatory.

My throat hurts.  Supplemental to that is the fact that my nose is running, and I can't think very well.

We took the ACT a while back.  And I didn't get to finish two of the sections because I paced myself incorrectly.  So...  I got a 32 out of 36--which, admittedly, is pretty good.  But, I wanted a higher score.  If I had finished, I probably would have gotten a 34 or something.  Anyway, I guess that's why the tests are timed--and timed so that people have to answer on a dot.  Snap snap snap.

Anyway, I also watched Space Jam the other day.  It reminded me of when I was a little kid.  I would go to my grandfather's house with my brother.  We would watch Bulls games (basketball), old westerns, and 90s cartoons.  It was a great time.  Sometimes, we would go to McDonald's and eat food.  Usually a Big Mac.  Sometimes a whopper from Burger King.  Either way, it was fun.

Something else about when I was a kid, I was religious.  Yep, I thought that when we prayed, a visage of God would appear in the room to make sure all heads were bowed.  I knew how I was supposed to act.  I knew it, and I knew it well.  I was a very "good" child.  I always followed the rules, and if I didn't--punishment.  In third grade, I cheated on a spelling test, did something else bad, and was "caught" play-fighting on the playground.  The one I remember most is the cheating one.  I got caught because some goody two-shoes told on me after I boasted about my devilry.  Then the teacher called my mom and had a conference about it, and I was so ashamed.  Anyway, this was the first time in my school career that I had gotten into any trouble, and I hated that teacher because of it.  And then...  she died.  Of cancer.  And, I still don't know how to feel about that.  We only had her as our teacher for like 5 weeks; so none of us were terribly attached to her.  But it was even less for me because I didn't like her.  I mean, it's ironic now.  You would think that she, being the righteous punisher would be rewarded.  But no, I--the sinning third grader--was given a second chance for the year. 

Anyway, that's all for today (This was one of the posts that got edited AC).  I have to do some homework.  So ciao.

SO SAD. We should move forward.

I got a 96 on the Chem Test.

I am watching Slumdog Millionaire at the moment.  It's sad.  Definitely gives me pause.  Difficult to discuss.  Scary.  I decry injustice here.  I do not know their injustices.  Yet I suppose I could try.  Not now, though.  Too sad. 

forward Toward idealistic circumstances.  Globally.

HA. I WISH.

Acids, bases, salts, buffers, solubility

In chemsitry, we are doing Ka, Kb, and Ksp.  This includes the awesomeness of RICE tables--often called ICE tables but our teacher likes to include the R reaction.  So, basically, we are using:

Ka = [product 1][H3O+]/[reactant]
Kb = [product 1][OH-]/[reactant]
Kw = Ka times Kb =1.0 X 10^-14

Ka is the equilibrium constant for weak acids
Kb is the equilibrium constant for weak bases
Kw is the constant of water and it is the multiplication of Ka by Kb

pH = -log[H3O+]
pOH = -log[OH-]
pH + pOH = 14
pH of 7 is neutral, below 7 is acidic, above 7 is basic
(p stands for -log)

pH = pKa - log(acid/base)

and Ksp is difficult to explain.  It is determined by solubility.  Essentially, it tells what concentration of ion you have at equilibrium.  It is used for weak electrolytes.  

Billy, I thought you might enjoy this.  I dont want to get into the reactant -x, product + x, common ions, titrations, or pH and common ion Ksp.

We are having a test tomorrow.  I think the teacher said it would be like 12 questions (but a good number will have a,b, c, d, e, f extras to the problems.  So its really like a 30/40 question test), and I think I am going to struggle with it. 

This one

I love this one more than the Teamwork one.  No Different.  This is why I like Sasunaru and asuka-sama.

So... we are reading The Crucible in English.  It's a decent book; it's about the Salem witch trials.  And it is an allegory of McCarthyism.  I liked the intro to the book.  It pointed out how it is no longer pertinent as an allegory.  But its remarks on human nature are what make it pertinent to society, now.  VERY Basically, when someone is accused, that accused person denies it.  When the accuser does not accept this, the accused admits to a little bit of it and then exposes others so that the blame is shifted from themselves.  It is society against the individual on a societal level.  It also spoke on the change in the colonial times from submission to the big ruler to the gaining of personal power.  This is illustrated in the accusers who can now attack whoever they want with a simple accusation (libel/slander).


What was it I wanted to say?  Oh yes, I don't hate you.  I just want to save you.  jk

Really though, I wanted to discuss Brave New World by Aldous Huxley.  So yeah, i saw sth the other day that compared Brave New World to 1984.  Where 1984 is about subjugation through power, BNW is about subjugation through pleasure.  I haven't read 1984, but I have read part of BNW because my older brother is lazy and had me read it to him...  We were in the car and he coerced me into reading it--blackmailing me about how he drives me to school everyday (a school to which he went as well and which i had to go to... but anyway, i read parts of it a year or two ago).  So, the sex and drugs and whatnot in BNW are meant to tame society--keep it down.  This can be seen to have come true at least in America where fast food, television, and even the internet (e.g., facebook and other tedious sites/programs) are tying down the people.  These things supposedly keep the population from their potential.  It's true for some--while not true for others.  I just thought that was kind of interesting.

I'm listening to "Satellite" by Rise Against.  Have a good day, folks.  Enjoy the porn, the literature, and the music.

Rise Against

So,  Rise Against, friends.  Do not standby while everyone around you is falling apart.

All we are is entertainment
Caught up in our own derangement
Tell us what to say and what to do
All we are are pretty faces
Picture perfect bottled rage
Packaged synthesized versions of you

We've all made petty fortunes but we can't afford a life
Confined to pull-out quotes and hotel rooms
They all scream California and its toppling empire
But can't you see the end is coming soon

Come on come on the new sensation
Guarantees then obligations
Spotlights follow every single move
Basking here on ten foot stages
Pouty lips and oh so jaded
All as if we have something to prove

Despite these petty fortunes we still can't afford a life
Confined to pull-out quotes and hotel rooms
They all scream California and its toppling empire
But can't you see the end is here

And if we cared at all
about this unknown plight
then we'd do something more
to finally make this right

Is this only entertainment
Pull the curtains, places please
We've learned to sing and dance and cry on cue
But this is more than entertainment
In a world so sick with pain
This is the only thing that's real or true

We've all made petty fortunes but we can't afford a life
Confined to pull-out quotes and hotel rooms
They all scream bloody murder over graves already dug
But can't you see the end

The most recent of my obsessions is to go to omegle.com and see if i cant talk to somebody smart.  The gay boy is a plus, as is the nice girl.  But the funnest part of going there is to question somebody about their religion.

Damn, i reaaaaaaallly want to post my research paper here, in so far as it is

But it's not been turned in yet so i cant.  My teacher might search for it and find it on here.  Which would result in either him finding the site or him thinking i plagiarized.  So i cant post it.  I'll post it eventually.  i guess when we get the grade back.  Actually, i dont know if i will post it. It just seems like a hassle.  In other news, I'm almost done.  I have 1867 of the required 2500 words and like eight more paragraphs to write.  Maybe like six more.  Something like that.  Anyway, i developed an awesome rock playlist that i will also not post here for a while if at all.  This blog is going to have to be secretive from now on.  Like a spy organization.

Master passion and Greed.  Awesome song.  Metal rocks.  Anyway, its midnight.  So i want sleep.  night yall.  alexei nemov is telling me to go to sleep.  So i will.  Remind me to make a couple posts on the following:  free will, naturalist perspectives, and the idea of following/gaining followers.  Alright, for real, bye.

You know what, I don't care

I was going to talk about synthetic happiness, bad days due to changes of plan, and the oddity of the memory.  But i honestly don't give a shit.  So there, world.  I laugh at you.


I've been wondering why happiness is supposedly so important.  And the only answers i have come up with are nihilistic.  A friend of mine said I'm acting like a child who dismisses sex because he cannot conceive of the idea as so pleasurable. I wanted to dismiss the idea at once.  But i considered it.  I ended that conversation with the text, "Lol".

I honestly don't know why.  Not too hard to believe.  I dont know why i am afraid of life, afraid of messing up, afraid of gaining disrespect, afraid of failure.  But its shit.  I want you to look all around you.  If there is a creepy darkness, go turn on the light, and do your homework.  Then do the ballerina act of socializing.  Then just say fuck it.  Sleep on it.  And realize that im stupid.  That you are stupid. That verbal abuse is not the answer.  And then sleep on it some more.  And realize that nihilism is a paradox.  If life is nothing, then there is something there.  But when you start to believe in something, it will begin to become nothing again.

I hate the world.  So much.  Don't tell me that my philosophy is a failure.  Dont try to prove it to me.  I know that it is not a failure and at the same time is a failure.  So shut the hell up.  I'm a liar.  a compulsive one at that.  It's almost spring, you all.

It makes me want to cry.  It makes me want to attack the pillow and punch until the rage leaves.  It makes me want to punch somebody.  Just clobber them the moment they do something that just seems SSSSSOOOO stupid.  I dont want to talk to you all; nor do i want to talk to my friends.  Nor to my teachers, my family, or my "role models".  I don't want to go to church.  And i dont want to go to some lab exercise.  I dont want to write this research paper, and i dont want to listen to crappy music.  For hours.  I dont want to feel alone.  i do want to be alone.  I want freedom.  But i so love this cage.  I want to be strong, but a shield of weakness is a seductive thing.

I feel everchanging.  I feel like a hero of war.  I feel like saying a prayer of the refugee.  And i want a savior.

Just One

So i have one moment to breathe.  For the next two weeks, i will probably be not so very active socially online.  I have a research paper to do which i should have done last week, but yeah, procrastination.  So, i just wanted to keep you up to date.  I did some cell culture today and it was good.  I like being in the lab.

Have a good week.  I'm now obsessed with the Rolling Stones' Paint it Black.

Attention, FP (2)

There is no sense in just pretending.  I would ask though that you do not read this blog.  It is no offense or anger at you, but I would just rather you not read it.  It is somewhat personal.  You know who you are--your initials are FP.  This isn't reverse psychology.  However, if you decide not to heed my request, just keep it to yourself.

LOLOLOL

Attention, FP

There is no sense in just pretending.  I would ask though that you do not read this blog.  It is no offense or anger at you, but I would just rather you not read it.  It is somewhat personal.  You know who you are--your initials are FP. 

So I found that post that I worked on for a while.  It wasn't great, but it was decent.  Here ya go:

Sufjan Stevens is a winner.  His Illinois album is great.  That's not why I'm here though.

School is kicking my ass.  Because I still have perfectionist ideas, and I am prone to the whims of the men in educator uniforms.  But that's not why I'm here.

I have had more pageviews in the past 12 days than the best of my months so far.  That's not why I'm here.

I delude myself that about 5 internet people that I don't even know are going to give me some sort of awesome network of older gay friends, and we're going to form the League of Homocites.  And it will all be daisies and Red Rover.  Is that why I'm here?

I'm not rebelling.  I'm hardly questioning.  I'm not stabbing.  I'm taking.  But I do give for my products.  I have a dog to my family's name.  I have a computer to my father's name.  I have a house to my parents' name.  I have my virginity.  Is that something?  I haven't had my first kiss.  I hung out with 10 girls tonight, and I felt awkward.  My "best" friend and I have hardly hung out at all in the past month.  I spend less time sleeping than I should.  I spend more time eating than I might should.  I spend more time studying than about 90% of my school.  I spend my time reading things that are completely relevant to philosophy but not to anything else.  i spend my time reading things that are relevant to life but not to thinking.  I spend my time reading porn--I read something with French in it the other day, and I was really happy about that.  I eat chicken, pork, and ground beef.  But I do not eat steak or fish--if I can help it.  I love bread.  I like fruit.  I don't especially like vegetables.

I figure out that my friends are no longer dating 2 months after the breakup and only learn that they are dating someone 5 months after they started.

 I had more to add, but I don't feel like continuing it.  I was just going to ramble until i got angry about the post and ended it abruptly.  (Abruptness is a social comment)

Lost

Fooly Cooly is my favorite anime ever.  It tops Avatar, Naruto, Bleach, DBZ, and even Bobobo bo bobobo.  It's about this kid named Nauta.  He gets hit by this alien girl, and then robots and stuff pop out of his head.  And I was watching the final episode of the 6-episode anime, but Megavideo decided that i had watched too much and cut me off.

Those bastard nazis.  Sorry  about the last post; i really hope you will still continue to read my mindless drivel.  I just wanted to let you all know that I am overstressed at the moment.  I have this university class that i am supposed to devote like 14 hours of my time to, and it's working out wonderfully (sarcasm--language of the weak).  I have 5 normal classes to keep up with, which wouldn't be that hard if i wasn't doing the university thing.  But i am, so yeah.  i have a research paper to do for english.  i have to worry about my ap tests, ACT tests, SAT tests, and a butt-load of other things.  I have to worry about school clubs, school activities, and grades.  I have soccer to do--which apparently has informed me that i am out of shape.  I have to improve my music tastes.  And on top of that, I have to worry about life.  About meaning.  Ooh voila; there's nothing there.  And so...

I'm in a heap.  Stuff on top of me, stuff below me, and i can't help but wonder if there is a giant mouth somewhere below me, chomping all this stuff into little tiny bits.  I would like to go into some interesting imagery to describe just how i feel, but that would take too long.  So uh, stfu.  Leave me alone.  (if i had to do the imagery, it would be of a jail-cell and me acting like tom sawyer--because i am so frazzled that i cannot decide which plan to go with, huck finn ftw).  The worst part of it is that i'm doing it alone.  All of it, there isn't a person that i can confide in and be happy about my self-centered life with.
Do you ever stop to wonder if life is just a dream?  If we are all just fermenting in an egg--until we have lived every possible life and at once become GOD?  I kind of do.

I can’t help but wonder if there’s some moon inside me, spinning and shifting without my consent, making here over there and over there here,and I’m afraid I’ll end up rolling out, beyond the lifeguard stand, up and over the dunes and into the parking lot, sprawling into the roads, unearthing houses and lampposts, drowning children I’ve knocked from their bikes. I stare at the farthest reaches of the tallest trees, jutting up like the tips of an explosion, and I imagine touching them but it feels all wrong, like fingering the corners of my heart–somewhere that shouldn’t be touchable, a place that shouldn’t be reached. And wherever that is, I know that’s where I am. -Everything I’m Cracked Up To Be

But then again, i don't.  I'm just a helpless 17-year old.  I don't care about people (lie)--and they only sometimes give a rat's ass about me.  And then, i just pity, pity, pity.  It's my only function anymore (lie).  And it just gets so hard sometimes.  Be calm, be calm (quote?).  So i follow my rut lines.  And i trap myself by conditioning myself to think morbidly, self-centeredly,  and "analytically".  And it's shit.  Vie du merde.  Yeh, profanity.  Get used to it.  Don't get used to it.  Be Holden Caufield.  See that "F" "U" "C" "K" and erase it.  Get so flaming mad that you want to kill whoever wrote it.  Be a righteous NAZI!!!!  or a righteous fox--whatever the hell that means.  Be happy.  Be happy.  Be happy.  Be healthy.  Be happy Be happy be happy be happy behappybehappybehappybehappy.  What about the mold?  No just do what i say. 

Even with freedom, even with thought, all the world is still not yours.  Your mind is not even your own.  You should be happy.   You shouldn't be told to be happy.  Agg, this silence is killing me.  Come on.  Come on.  What's it not to you.  I don't know.  I've lost my thunder.  I just don't get the product anymore.  It's like i've calculated the sum--and im unwilling to pay it.  So i go for lower quality--and that may as well be the lowest possible.  Ahhhhh,,  so many thoughts.  They are took control.  I are can't think.  Not are in the way that i want.

Nothing

F, I just spent like an hour writing this post, and then accidentally closed the tab.  Anyway, I have more pageviews for the past 12 days than I do for my best month so far.  I've also noticed that when i post once a day, i get less pageviews.  I guess that it relates to how the farmers made less when they produced more produce.

This is kind of stupid.  You are stupid.  Do you know that?  lkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
So, um.  I have nothing to say.

Annoyed, peeved, self-conscious

If people believe that autism is supposed to breed smart/pattern-seeing abilities, then they need to qualify it with the possibility of some of the most hopeless possibilities of delusion possible.  Possificated in a possified possibility.  Type thingy.  For the record, i do not hate autistic people or feel that they are responsible for all of their shortcomings.  In this case, it is probably much more of the way he was raised.

I personally just don't understand why people are gay. Is it a cope out? a perversion? or both? Never the less it is a weakness. It is so wrong that even science has proven it's existence is both a myth and a drag on evolution. Gay's can't reproduce naturally so it is a perversion by definition. Yes we are free so we can do what ever we want. we can jump off a bridge! we can subside to the practice of being gay. but it is so wrong that it is even stupid to science! come on people grow a pair! Just because politics says it's ok dosen't mean you have to support it. Dummies!

and:

Prejudice at gays in the work place is wrong. We are all children of our heavenly Father and deserve love and respect from our fellow man. However as a society we should not support immorality in any form. I think that being gay is immoral and their sin should not be supported.

I don't think that I could make this up.   *Shakes head in shame of man* 


In other news, I was basically pick-pocketed today.  The person stole my calculator from my backpack.  But i noticed it happening--though i wasnt sure if someone was just pushing me along down the stairs (they do that sometimes).  So I checked my calculator pocket at the end of the stairs while looking to see who i thought had done it.  He was a classmate of mine.  He never brings a backpack to class and i'm pretty sure that he doesn't give a shit about school.  So i caught up to him, called his name, and asked if he had taken something from my backpack.  He of course said no, and then he began to walk off.  He got about 5 feet before i began following him, and then after following him for about thirty feet, he reached in his clothes (pants? shirt?) and produced the missing calculator.  I took it back. 

I was prepared not to tell anyone.  But it's been bothering me all day.  So i told my dad what happened because i wanted to know if he would have done anything differently.  He said he probably would have done the same thing, while making sure to protect himself.  But then he said that he would go with me to school the next day, and we would tell the principle--because he wants to make sure there is some prior basis of theft or other bad stuff in case the guy does it again.  And i dont like it.  Partly because i feel like a rat, no matter how many times i try to tell myself im not and justify.  But also because i dont want to do anything bad to the guy.  I dont hardly want to do anything bad to anybody.  But justice is justice.  I'm going to do my best to keep this from getting him into any immediate trouble when we talk to the principle.  I don't know whether that is right or wrong.  I care a lot though, and it is bugging me.  It doesn't help matters that he is in one of my classes. 

Alright, now i have to ask it.  What do you all think of me?  I mean, i think of myself as the best thing since squeezable cheese, but you all probably have much more variegated ideas of me.  And sorry, but i am a teenager.  I have to make my way in the world based on experience, knowledge, and the opinions of people i respect.  (Please put two and two together, there.)  I am wondering more on a personality/character scale than a writer/story-teller scale.  So yeah, what is your opinion of me?

Mitchell Heisman

Article about it

IT

So, I think that I should read this.  But, I do not like reading big huge books that I can only access as .pdfs.  What i've read so far is kind of... AWEsome.  But i don't want to read 1905 pages...

Uncertain of uncertainty, skeptical of skepticism, it seems
that the most important question is whether there is an
important question. The only serious question is whether
there is anything to take seriously. What has previously been
considered of value or importance appears as only an
expression of myth, bias…error.

 And then of course.

We open the successive doors in Bluebeard’s castle because
“they are there,” because each leads to the next by a logic of
intensification which is that of the mind’s own awareness of
being. To leave one door closed would be not only
cowardice but a betrayal—radical, self-mutilating—of the
inquisitive, probing, forward-tensed stance of our species.
We are hunters after reality, wherever it may lead. The risk,
the disasters incurred are flagrant. But so is, or has been
until very recently, the axiomatic assumption and a priori of
our civilization, which holds that man and truth are
companions, that their roads lie forward and are
dialectically cognate….We cannot turn back. We cannot
choose the dreams of unknowing. We shall, I expect, open
the last door in the castle even if it leads, perhaps because it
leads, onto realities which are beyond the reach of human
comprehension and control. We shall do so with that
desolate clairvoyance, so marvelously rendered in Bartók’s
music, because opening doors is the tragic merit of our
identity.

This stuff is pretty interesting.  See, this is how i want to spend my hours.  Reading, proliferating knowledge or examination, speculating.  Not just constantly following the rules of a society.  It is a selfish desire, but do you think we could perhaps stop the equivocating--at least for certain people?  I don't want any change.  I truly don't.  But i have to question.  And analyze.  And sift.  So that I can be power.  So that I can distinguish.  So that I can.

I want new.  I don't want, "Oh, you have to check yourself based on this event/phenomenon/rule."  I want creativity.  I want imagination.  I want the right-brain, uncentrifuged by the left-brain; then I want the left-brain.  Stop taking from the ism and start feeding your own ism.  But make sure it isn't an ism.  Make sure that you don't tie it down.  Make sure that it can live on its own--with the back-up of the national internationality of self.  Let it draw from every idea, ever.  Let it so remain.  Then let it be destroyed.  Let water into it, and have it degrade.  Let the sun melt it, turn it white, and nourish.  Let the flies have it.  Then make a new one.  Then decide that you want the old one back.  Clean it up a bit.  Then decide on the other, of whichever other you have.  Then merge the two.  And repeat.  Invent.