REBELLION

Sometimes I think that my entire goal in life is to rebel and distance myself from things.  That's why I consider myself a hipster--and not a mainstream hipster (my ace in the hole is either japanese music from Naruto, Charge of the Light Brigade by The Three D's, or Voltaire; very few people can top that).  That's why I fear relationships.  That's why I'm gay?

Those who know do not talk.
Those who talk do not know.

Stop talking,
meditate in silence,
blunt your sharpness,
release your worries,
harmonize your inner light,
and become one with the dust. 
--From Tao Te Ching, Chapter 56 

No.  I'm legitimately gay, or at least bisexual.  I REALLY want a boyfriend, not a girlfriend.  I pity girls because they don't have penises (I actually wondered earlier what life would be like if EVERYONE had a penis--surely we would have tons more wars).

"People live their lives bound by what they accept as correct and true. That's how they define "reality". But what does it mean to be "correct" or "true"? Merely vague concepts ... their "reality" may all be a mirage. Can we consider them to simply be living in their own world, shaped by their beliefs?" -Itachi 

I live in a conservative family in Knoxville, Tennessee.  My family is Methodist, and everyone but my mother is a Republican (my mother is only a Democrat because she wants more money allocated to the field of education).  I am an atheist.  I am gay/bi (there's a somewhat thin line, and I decided that I like boys a substantial bit more than girls... so... gay).

John Proctor: God in Heaven, what is John Proctor, what is John Proctor?

John Proctor: Because it is my name! Because I cannot have another in my life! Because I lie and sign myself to lies! Because I am not worth the dust on the feet of them that hang! How may I live without my name? I have given you my soul; leave me my name!

John Proctor (his eyes full of tears): I can. And there's your first marvel, that I can. You have made your magic now, for now I do think I see some shred of goodness in John Proctor... (Elizabeth, in a burst of terror, rushes to him and weeps against his hand.) Give them no tear! Tears pleasure them! Show honor now, show a stony heart and sink them with it! -The Crucible

In my closeted state, I have stood by as my brothers and father boast of their hatred for gays.  I have stood by as my mother said she would hate for one of her children to be gay.  I have lied when asked about my sexuality upon not wanting to go to prom (so that I could get drunk with some of my favorite bitches, booya-peggyhill).

The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.-Albert Camus  

So this life goal of rebellion.  It is a quiet kind of thing.  It's not like I just yell out anarchy all the time.  I sometimes hold myself as separate from the flow of society and see that society needs rules, though I only follow them to avoid trouble.  In this rebellion, my skirmishes, conquests, and defeats are private: only I can see the bloodshed.  Egotistical, yes.  But it still makes for one damn fine dramedy--lots of irony.

You pursue the negative. You want to not give a damn, to exist without responsibility, without faith or friends or warmth.- In Cold Blood

I feel like when I am older and have lived this life to its end I will be able to look back and tell people that I made a lot of mistakes, and that is what made my life perfect.

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith. -The Bible, 2 Timothy 4:7

Not God's fight, my own fight.  I have stood up to and withstood the face of evil on this planet: close-mindedness could not take me down.  I rebelled against it.