Sometimes I think of how life is, and I do not like what I think of. But that's only sometimes. The vast majority of the time, I'm just moving along. The majority of the other time though (when I'm actually thinking for myself), I think that life is beautiful.
I still stand by my idea that I want to be an observer. I am afraid of love; I've realized it. I'm afraid of boxes. I'm afraid of anything that does not include me. I am obsessed with the easy; I might have convinced myself that the ultimate goal of life is leisure (the word "leisure" is said with a soft e, not a hard e. Like in "let", not "leaf"). I laugh often; mostly I am laughing AT something. It just seems ridiculous.
I would like to think of myself as this super deep individual who can delve into his own mind and into silence. I like to think of myself as a loner: I don't want your help. I want to build and then only show you the result when it is either finished or magnificent. I do not want you to see the work in progress; I am afraid you will condemn me. I cannot be condemned until I have the finished product.
There is this wonderful post on Hyperbole and A Half where the author expresses her bout with depression. I feel like that is the sum total of my life so far: I have gone through some "terrible" experiences and come out the other side with this distinct outlook on life. I am invincible because nothing can bring me that low again. I always have knowledge: I can maintain my inner self no matter what you do to my outer body (theoretically).
I don't even know what I am doing here. I feel rejected and loathsome. I have embraced my role as the person who honestly dislikes the status of society but seeks its acceptance at the same time. I just want to have food and drink and a place to chill and feel quiet. I honestly dislike speaking to people. I think it is super-frivolous, and I can only handle it for a little while.
I have this issue, you see? It's a confidence issue. If people reject me, I feel ridiculously low and awful: it's the human condition. So I have taught myself. I would rather leave and go off on my own than try to fit into some small role. I just don't belong here. And the only reason that is true is that I don't WANT to belong here. Don't put me in your little box.
