I was going to talk about synthetic happiness, bad days due to changes of plan, and the oddity of the memory. But i honestly don't give a shit. So there, world. I laugh at you.
I've been wondering why happiness is supposedly so important. And the only answers i have come up with are nihilistic. A friend of mine said I'm acting like a child who dismisses sex because he cannot conceive of the idea as so pleasurable. I wanted to dismiss the idea at once. But i considered it. I ended that conversation with the text, "Lol".
I honestly don't know why. Not too hard to believe. I dont know why i am afraid of life, afraid of messing up, afraid of gaining disrespect, afraid of failure. But its shit. I want you to look all around you. If there is a creepy darkness, go turn on the light, and do your homework. Then do the ballerina act of socializing. Then just say fuck it. Sleep on it. And realize that im stupid. That you are stupid. That verbal abuse is not the answer. And then sleep on it some more. And realize that nihilism is a paradox. If life is nothing, then there is something there. But when you start to believe in something, it will begin to become nothing again.
I hate the world. So much. Don't tell me that my philosophy is a failure. Dont try to prove it to me. I know that it is not a failure and at the same time is a failure. So shut the hell up. I'm a liar. a compulsive one at that. It's almost spring, you all.
It makes me want to cry. It makes me want to attack the pillow and punch until the rage leaves. It makes me want to punch somebody. Just clobber them the moment they do something that just seems SSSSSOOOO stupid. I dont want to talk to you all; nor do i want to talk to my friends. Nor to my teachers, my family, or my "role models". I don't want to go to church. And i dont want to go to some lab exercise. I dont want to write this research paper, and i dont want to listen to crappy music. For hours. I dont want to feel alone. i do want to be alone. I want freedom. But i so love this cage. I want to be strong, but a shield of weakness is a seductive thing.
I feel everchanging. I feel like a hero of war. I feel like saying a prayer of the refugee. And i want a savior.
People who are older than 'teenagers' have a habit of 'not understanding' why most have such a problem with the world. Sure, plenty of older people have a problem with the world too - but probably not as many.
ReplyDeleteMaybe each of us makes fuck-ups and mistakes when a 'teenager' so that by the time we're older then that we've come to terms with life and society and everything a bit.
If you have sex with someone you like and (s)he likes you then if both of you relax and stop worrying about 'what I should be doing/saying/feeling' and just let it happen then it can be THE most rewarding and lovely thing in the world. Honestly.
i think the sex thing was just supposed to be an analogy. and i understand that sex can be awesome. Change is the reason we have such trouble, if we are normal. if we are speculative, nihilism is the reason. if we are grammar freaks, using "then" when we should be using "than" is the reason. Also, older people have a lot more opportunity.
ReplyDeleteMicky: "Than" not "then" in the second paragraph of your comment.
Again, older people are relatively free to choose MANY things.
When you're a teenager you control so few of the major forces which rule your life. Anger and frustration.
ReplyDeleteAs you get older you make more of the big decisions, but they inevitably end up being compromises, many of them shitty ones. Depression and desperation.
Finally you realise you've no choice but to live with their consequences, and make the best of them, enjoy yourself. A kind of nihilism reigns.
Meanwhile, I need to go and find someone to fuck...