I call a foul

On you and you and you.

I and Love and You

Romanticism is now being eclipsed by studyism.  Every night, I spend hours reading at least fifty pages (23 minutes per 10 pages approx) of In Cold Blood or reading and note-taking over 30 pages of a History book (2 hours reading, 30 min-1 hour noting the next morning), The American Pageant.  And I don't want to have this much on my plate right now.  I have to worry about next year's classes, AP Chemistry (i think i failed a test today because i didnt know that the test was today...), college, Standard tests, research classes, and the orchestration of all these events when i do not have a car...  And its a 30 minute drive to anywhere you want to go (school, college) from my house.  My parents arent home when i need them to be, and so i cannot decide that i need to go somewhere on the dot.  It has to be planned.

I hope that all of you have had a wonderful day.  I hope that you have enjoyed it, any smells, the colors, the nice people out there, the learning frenzy called life, the abstract thoughts, the pleasurable moments, the little babies crying, the birds singing, the newly bright weather, the people that are friends, the people that are inspiring, the ideas that we so dearly love.  I sincerely hope you are enjoying it.

Remember a while back when i said that i liked that freshman, well i am going to go talk to him tomorrow.  He apparently has the same lunch as me (i eat outside; he inside.  Thereby, it went over my head that we have the same lunch.), and he was sitting all alone today.  So whether or not it seems creapy or anything, I shall go sit down with him.  And we shall commence a conversation.  I might even bring some cookies...  And it shall be wondrous.

Your Existing Situation

"Insecure with himself, needs stable roots and emotional security. Seeking an environment which provides comfort and few problems, but is reluctant to put any effort or energy into it."

Your Stress Sources

"Unfulfilled hopes have left him feeling uncertain and even a little fearful about the future. Needs to feel secure and avoid further disappointment; fears he will be looked over, lose his position, or lose respect. Has little hope that things will get better in time and his negative attitude leads him to place impossible demands on others or to compromise or bargain."

Your Restrained Characteristics

"Self-centered, tends to take this personally and is easily offended."
Feels unhappy and isolated because he is unable to succeed in finding the cooperation and understanding he desires.
Feels unhappy and isolated because he is unable to succeed in finding the cooperation and understanding he desires.
His arrogance causes him to take offense quickly. Only those closest to him know deep down he is sensitive and sentimental.

Your Desired Objective

"His current situation is viewed as unpleasant and demanding to much out of him. He is stubborn and close-minding, feeling his way is the only correct way."

Your Actual Problem

"Is disappointed and let down, feels there is no point in making new goals as they will leave him feeling the same way. Is unable to admit to his short comings, which leads him to act out in an aggressive and resentful way."

Stagnance

It's as if everything is standing still.  There is only so much of straight up school-life you can take.  Eventually, you are going to become fed up with/bored of it all, and your entire life is going to seem lack-luster.  You get burnt-out on it.  And you start to develop that slowly constant growch mood, where everything seems like a hassle and nothing seems beneficial.

I'm sorry to simply talk about negative things, but i just am having trouble seeing the good/the important lately.  Mortality is a daunting figure.  And it is difficult to cope with life.  I should be over this hump, but it just seems to keep coming back.  And as it does, i feel constantly as though i am slowly becoming more and more distanced from people.  Maybe poetry is the answer.

O Captain! My Captain!

1

O CAPTAIN! my Captain! our fearful trip is done;
The ship has weather’d every rack, the prize we sought is won;
The port is near, the bells I hear, the people all exulting,
While follow eyes the steady keel, the vessel grim and daring:
But O heart! heart! heart!	5
O the bleeding drops of red,
Where on the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.
2 O Captain! my Captain! rise up and hear the bells;
Rise up—for you the flag is flung—for you the bugle trills;	10
For you bouquets and ribbon’d wreaths—for you the shores a-crowding;
For you they call, the swaying mass, their eager faces turning;
Here Captain! dear father!
This arm beneath your head;
It is some dream that on the deck,	15
You’ve fallen cold and dead.
3 My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still;
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will;
The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done;
From fearful trip, the victor ship, comes in with object won;	20
Exult, O shores, and ring, O bells!
But I, with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead. Walt Whitman (1819–1892).  Leaves of Grass.  1900.

Eiffel 65

It's whatever.

I need sleep.  But sleep is a giving-in to needs.  Yet at the same time, sleep awakens happiness sometimes in that i become no longer miserable.  And yet, i am wasting my time typing obvious things onto a keyboard and post.  And Its really shitty.  I feel lonely lately.  Moreso than usual.  It's annoying.  Why do i have to feel like everybody else is somebody else.  Why cant we just be friends?  Good friends?  Why do people write books like In Cold Blood?  Or better yet, why oh why is there a need for such a reminder of human hatred.  Because that's what Dick and Perry were doing.  They were hatin'.  While one is a predatorial child molester and professional bad guy, the other is a "sensitive," artistic, damaged person.  It's unfair.  They shouldn't have killed the Clutters.  They shouldn't have done it.  Just plain and simple.  It annoys me when i read a book like this because it makes me see so much hate in everything.  It bothers me, you know.  It helps that i watched a bit of Capote before reading the book, but at the same time, it still hurts my view of humanity to read such a story.  it is basically an incredibly well-written version of Law and Order except with a huge level of character development within the family and especially the two murderers.  And it just bothers me.  I keep thinking about it, and i hate it more and more as time goes by.  That shouldn't exist.  That shouldn't be able to exist as a true story.  Life should not end so abruptly, and with the audience so attached, whether they want to be or not, to the murderers.  It's tragic.  and all for forty dollars.  F.  That is what you get, life.

When i say "i", i hope that you can get a bit of thought by substituting in your own "I" or a "we".

To the blondes:

This is why.

God, i hate 20 page lab reports.

FFFFffff!!!!! Literally, that's what i got when i received it back after he graded it.  55%  After the first correction, it was "in the B range".  And i just submitted it a final time; the goal (needed in order to stay in the class) is a 95%.  I hope that i dont make it.  This is extra-curricular, y'all.  I have been asking my parents to let me drop it for a while, but my dad says that i should stick it out.  So yes, i am sticking it out and giving my best, but if thats not enough, who can blame me?

Yata!!  i cant wait until thursday.  We get to see Kakashi go into beast mode.  Hopefully.  Or at least see Gaara fuck up some sand people/plant people.

The tag for this post defines everything.

And it was all yellow.  (Im going to start saying that after many of the things i say from now on.  Either that or "as according to prophecy")

Have a good one.

God, I love her

God... a being whose only definition is that he is beyond man's power to conceive.

When I die, I hope to go to Heaven, whatever the Hell that is.

I think my favorite part of facebook is the quotes section.  I have like 20, 30, 40, or so.  And they are boss.  I have at least one from each of the six religions.  I have Churchill, Rumi, Aristotle, Nietzsch, Trotsky, Tolkein.  And they are so awesome.  So yeah, if i could compile an essay entirely made of quotes and not be called a terrible plagiarist/writer, i would.  

---

Modern life is so thin and shallow and fake.I look forward to when... wild grasses take over. -Hayao Miyazaki

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking at the stars. -Oscar Wilde

Be sincere; be brief; be seated. -FDR

Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential. -Churchill

It is wiser to find out than to suppose. -Mark Twain
...
I have lived on the lip of insanity, wanting to know reasons, knocking on a door. It opens. I've been knocking from the inside. -Rumi

Damn the (insert your name here). You have no right to act like you're better, to label us and use us... -omg unattributed

If you’re going through hell, keep going -Winston Churchill

He who wonders discovers that this in itself is wonder. -M.C. Escher

Not all those who wander are lost. -J. R. R. Tolkein

Where is the horse and the rider? Where is the horn that was blowing? They have passed like rain on the mountain, like wind in the meadow. The days have gone down in the West behind the hills into shadow. How did it come to this? -Theoden, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

This was my choice... Whether by your will or not, there is no ship now that can bear me hence. -Arwen, The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King

I always liked going south, somehow it feels like going downhill. -Treebeard, The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

Frodo: I can't do this, Sam.
Sam: I know. It's all wrong. By rights we shouldn't even be here. But we are. It's like in the great stories, Mr. Frodo. The ones that really mattered. Full of darkness and danger, they were. And sometimes you didn't want to know the end. Because how could the end be happy? How could the world go back to the way it was when so much bad had happened? But in the end, it's only a passing thing, this shadow. Even darkness must pass. A new day will come. And when the sun shines it will shine out the clearer. Those were the stories that stayed with you. That meant something, even if you were too small to understand why. But I think, Mr. Frodo, I do understand. I know now. Folk in those stories had lots of chances of turning back, only they didn't. They kept going. Because they were holding on to something.
Frodo: What are we holding onto, Sam?
Sam: That there's some good in this world, Mr. Frodo... and it's worth fighting for. -The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers

You are waiting for a train, a train that will take you far a way. You know where you hope this train will take you, but you can't be sure... But it doesn't matter because you'll be together. -Inception

I found a loose string dangling from the hem of my existence. When I pulled it, the world around me began to unravel. -William Reschke

Love never dies a natural death. It dies because we don’t know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings. -Anaïs Nin

For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Everyone has the right to believe and accept what he or she wants, but reality doesn’t discriminate. Reality is not different for different people. Not once has reality excused anyone for good intentions ignorance or stubbornness. Reality shows no mercy, accepts no excuses, and issues no pardons. -Gary Ryan Blair

Most people fail at whatever they attempt because of an undecided heart. Should I? Should I not? Go forward? Go back? Success requires the emotional balance of a committed heart. When confronted with a challenge, the committed heart will search for a solution. The undecided heart searches for an escape. A committed heart does not wait for conditions to be exactly right. Why? Because conditions are never exactly right. -Andy Andrews

The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not ‘Eureka!’ (I’ve found it!), but ‘That’s funny…' -Isaac Asimov

The world is not the most pleasant place. Eventually your parents leave you and nobody is going to go out of their way to protect you unconditionally. You need to learn to stand up for yourself and what you believe and sometimes, pardon my language, kick some ass. -Queen Elizabeth II

I will insist the Hebrews have [contributed] more to civilize men than any other nation. If I was an atheist and believed in blind eternal fate, I should still believe that fate had ordained the Jews to be the most essential instrument for civilizing the nations ... They are the most glorious nation that ever inhabited this Earth. The Romans and their empire were but a bubble in comparison to the Jews. They have given religion to three-quarters of the globe and have influenced the affairs of mankind more and more happily than any other nation, ancient or modern. -John Adams, Second President of the United States

16For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life. -The Bible (KJV), John 3:16

Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the LORD thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. -The Bible (KJV), Joshua 1:9

1 The fool hath said in his heart,
There is no God.
They are corrupt,
they have done abominable works,
there is none that doeth good.
2 The LORD looked down from heaven upon the children of men,
to see if there were any that did understand, and seek God.
3 They are all gone aside,
they are all together become filthy:
there is none that doeth good, no, not one. Rom. 3.10-12
4 Have all the workers of iniquity no knowledge?
who eat up my people as they eat bread,
and call not upon the LORD.
5 There were they in great fear:
for God is in the generation of the righteous.
6 Ye have shamed the counsel of the poor,
because the LORD is his refuge.
7 Oh that the salvation of Israel were come out of Zion!
When the LORD bringeth back the captivity of his people,
Jacob shall rejoice, and Israel shall be glad.
-The Bible (KJV), Psalm 14: 1-7

The way to see by Faith is to shut the Eye of Reason.
-Benjamin Franklin

God... a being whose only definition is that he is beyond man's power to conceive. -Ayn Rand

Mister, there's nothing I've got to do except die. -Ayn Rand

All gods are one. There is no difference between a Hindu and a Muslim. Mosque and temple are the same. - Sri Sathya Sai Baba

All that we are is the result of what we have thought. If a man speaks or acts with an evil thought, pain follows him. If a man speaks or acts with a pure thought, happiness follows him, like a shadow that never leaves him. -Buddha

And mankind is naught but a single nation. -Quran

Where ye are, death will find you, even if ye are in towers, built up strong and tall. -Quran

There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness. -Friedrich Nietzsche

Everything is relative in this world, where change alone endures. -Leon Trotsky

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims. -Aristotle

And that's all I have to say about that. -Forrest Gump

---

 

You're such a Narcissist

So facebook says i'm a sexy nerd.  ;)

I wish that i could meet myself in another person.  I have often felt that either i am super immature or rather overly mature.  Though that is a relative term.  So whatsywhosits won't especially be useful in relating personality.  I think that i started this blog to get out my personality and have people adulate it.  Now is that not almost entirely naricissistic?  I suppose the justifiers would say it is a cry from someone who has always been praised for his intelligence and now wants to be praised for his uniqueness.  Then others would say that it is in fact super duper narcissistic.  Then others will say, Oh i know, you are so interesting.  tell me more about life.  Then others will glance and be like Meh...  And still others will think wat a dumbass.  Some will say that i dont appreciate what i have.  Others will try to prove that they are better than me and some will actually adulate me.  Me, im gonna just keep going.  Stupid, i know.

The reason that we don't just straight up work our whole lives anymore is because we dont have to.  There is welfare, soup kitchens, and sympathetic people who want to feel like they have helped someone.  You can almost always find food in three days.  And water is easy enough.  Go to a store and ask for some water.  Go to walmart and ask for a water fountain.  go to a hospital.  everywhere has water.  The only thing you actually have to worry about is if you are not going to "just get by".  The people who worry about jobs are worried about money.  They are selfishly trying to accumulate it.  and thats not a bad thing because money usually means comfort.  but it is no longer essential.  (This is all relative to my location in  the US).

So what is necessary?  People tend to think that it is happiness.  You live to be happy.  You have to have someone with which to share that happiness too.  And god knows that you need a legacy; so you have to procreate, or at least adopt.  Then once you have food, family, friends, money; you look for a way to make it better--whether referring to your own situation or that of the world.  That's when you get into humanitarianism.

But the only part of that that i want is someone to talk to and a bit of comfort.  So, i will work for money, and i will look out for that unique soul that can challenge me and lead me to new levels of intrigue.  And that will be my life.  I will not make a big difference.  I can't unless i want a result that will ultimately be disappointing (not important enough to matter, to have taken up my life).  So Nerstes, maybe unlife is the answer.  Maybe ununlife is the answer.  Maybe it is actually life, and i have just over-considered it.  But in the general scheme of things, our lives will be almost gone within the next century.  Just a memory that will doubtless become less and less sincere as the generations progress until the only record of us is objective or from a source that does not have any bearing to us.  And finally, our life and legacy has no bearing.  Sure, you could develop a cure for cancer and people would adulate you, but the only reason people want a cure is to find some sort of hurdle-leap over the idea of mortality and to spend that extra time with people.

If you care about life, I'm sorry if i've offended.  But think about it, if this is all you have, then you have almost nothing.  And if there is something more, then this is just a big old joke of meaningless suffering. Ok maybe not suffering; some would call it living/being happy.

All life originates from selfishness.  We want companions.  We want to help.  We want to improve.  We want to live and let live.  We want to look like we are good.  We want to look like we are bad.  That's the trouble with emotion and decision.  We want to be happy.  We want others to be happy so we can see how it's done.  We want to do anything for others to assuage the idea that we have failed.  We want.  And we take.  And we hold.  And we do all these meaningless little things that are not going to matter.  The very idea of eternity begs an ending.  But there isn't one?

tenses

i we he she it they you you all

I felt productive today.  i wrote a Document based question, and i finished a jack-rabbit of a huge lab report.  So haha world.  It wont last though. something will go wrong tomorrow


Head Full of Doubt/Road Full of Promise

Statistics

BTW, I voted like 12 times on the last poll.

Feeling poetically full of it

Somebody once told me
how i was different.
I told them fa ha.
What do you know?
But then a storm came
and i realized
they were right all this time.

I would be a Jeremy Bentham if i were a philosopher.  However, i would base all my presumptions on the opposite of what he did.  He chose superficial thoughts and observations, and i would choose deep thoughts and observations.

50

Woot woot.  radda radda.  oh i see.  chowder.  church revivalish music.  staring at the screen l'ecran trying to think but feeling utterly empty and numb.  wondering why.  not knowing why.  asking why dont you know.  defensive idk.  realise one handed typing.  looking back at screen.  un petit poisson un petit poisson nage nage nage gloup gloup glouuuuup. laughing with french-class buddy.  think to reader, 'yess, i took french and latin duh'.  i've fb chatting with like ten girls for the past hour...  wow.  i think you need a nap.  I think you need a stfu. 

Ive been dreading this day all my life, but now that it's here, i feel even more scared shitless that half my life is done.  NO shit sherlock.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims

It's going to get better.  It will, it will.  Don't worry about the loneliness; don't worry about the pain.  Forget the boredom for it will be alright.  Hush, hush.  Don't make me come over there.  If you... if you want, we could be friends.  But i have to tell you that i don't know why.  Do you know why?  my only answer is because.  But that is not an answer at all.  Why? because.  What?  whatnot.  Who? no one and yet everyone.  There is a plurality and duality in all things.  And yet, it is all simply one.

So come over, just be patient, and don't worry.  At night, they would go walking til the breaking of the day.  The morning is for sleeping.  Through the dark streets they'd go searching to see God in their own way.  Save the night time for your weeping, your weeping.  Singing la la la la la la ehh. And the night over London lay.

And it was all yellow.

Is that quite necessary?  Yes, quite.  Ma'am, if you have a problem with my presence, there is no reason you need stay.  Well I never! What impudence!  Young man, do you realize that I am your superior--that i am better than you?  No ma'am, I did not realize any such falsity.  Hmmph, where do you young people get off being this rude?  Wherever did you learn this?  We learned it from you ma'am.  And from books and television.  if you don't like the way the world is going, why don't you try to change it?  There is nothing you can do, but at least you might feel like you've accomplished something at night, rather than knowing that you are a failure.  But if you ask me, you will always be a failure, just like i am a failure.  There is no such thing as success.  Have you not learned that yet?

Attempt

Save Me

And Cleanse me from my sin.

Don't let me fall;

WE can't handle being alone.

For I fear my own mind.

It loves and feeds me,

but it is my own worst enemy,

For in our thought, I am trapped.

I kind of cheated.  The seventh sentence on the seventh page of the seventh book is the first sentence of the poem.  But the prompt said nothing about the title. ^.^  Hmm, i wonder if its too clique.  But watevs its not important.  This took me like five years to work out.  (jk like half a minute)

Snow!!

We got tons of it and by that i mean that we got like somewhere between 3-5 inches.  So we are out of school today and tomorrow.  And its nice.

There was a tree down on the road behind me as well as before me.  So i was going to be clever and take a picture of both views, to show i was trapped.  But I had to make more space on the camera after taking the first shot, and so i tried to take the other shot.  But apparently i forgot which way i was facing.

 A little bit of artistry there.

 Up in the woods.  I went after some tracks.  Most of them were deer tracks, but there were several that looked as if they came from a large animal, but in every place i found them, they seemed to originate from a tree.  So, maybe a small animal that just happens to hop from place to place.  With all four appendages in the same position when it lands each time?

 I couldn't get any fir tree branches, but this was similar so i settled.

 Truck!!!!

 That much snow?

 Too big for one shot

Joanna Newsom

I killed my dinner with karate
Kick 'em in the face, taste the body
Shallow work is the work that I do

-the Book of Right On

While outside, the wild boars root
Without bending a bough underfoot
Oh it breaks my heart
I don't know how they do it
So don't ask me

And as for my inflammatory writ
Well, I wrote it an' I was not inflamed one bit
Advice from the master derailed that disaster
He said "Hand that pen over to me, poetaster!"
While across the great plains, keening lovely and awful
Ululate the last Great American Novels
An unlawful lot, left to stutter and freeze, floodlit
But at least they didn't run, to their undying credit

-Inflammatory Writ

Svetlana sucks lemons across from me,
and I am progressing abominably.
And I do not know my own way to the sea
but the saltiest sea knows its own way to me.

...

And Jamie has eyes black and shiny as boots
and they march at you, two-by-two (re-loo, re-loo)
when she looks at you, you know she's nowhere near through:
it's the kindest heart beating this side of the blue.

And the signifieds butt heads with the signifiers,
and we all fall down slack-jawed to marvel at words!
While across the sky sheet the impossible birds,
in a steady, illiterate movement homewards.

-This Side of the Blue

And all day long we talk about mercy
Lead me to water, Lord, I sure am thirsty
Down in the ditch where I nearly served you
Up in the clouds where he almost heard you

And all that we built and all that we breathed
And all that we spilt, or pulled up like weeds
Is piled up in back and it burns irrevocably
And we spoke up in turns 'til the silence crept over me

And bless you, and I deeply do
No longer resolute, oh and I call to you
But the water go so cold
And you do lose what you don't hold

This is an old song, these are old blues
And this is not my tune, but it's mine to use
And the seabirds where the fear once grew
Will flock with a fury and they will bury what'd come for you

And down where I darn with the milk-eyed mender
You and I, and a love so tender
Stretched on a hoop where I stitched this adage:
"Bless our house and its heart so savage"

And all that I want, and all that I need
And all that I've got is scattered like seed
And all that I knew is moving away from me
And all that I know is blowing like tumbleweed

-Sadie

Joanna Newsom.  The Milk-Eyed Mender

Is it normal?

Have kids always been idealistic dreamers.  It seems that kids are becoming less and less innocent at earlier ages.  They've seen gunfights, slit people's throats, and blown up countless objects in an attempt to "pwn u".  The cartoons these days are all about pretty colors and simpleness so that they attract attention but aren't really funny.  They just have a plot and that's it.  And do they even teach anything?  I know that at the least Tom and Jerry taught me not to mess with Bulldogs or pick on those smaller and/or more clever than myself.  But what do the new cartoons teach?

It's annoying.  I have hardly any toleration for little children.  I'm really kind of bad about it. 

I think you're fucking retarded, all of you people (ok maybe not all of you, but most of you; my followers arent fucking retarded.  Theyre fine).  Goddamn it.  Fucking hell.  I'm so tired of this bullshit.  It is all bull shit.  All of it.

I'm so tired of being alone.  So tired.  I dont hardly even care anymore.  Everybody else seems to think that they are bound by their talents.  They put too much emphasis on things that don't even matter at all.  And they don't care about the other stuff.  It's so stupid.

Why am i still trying?

Nah, nevermind.

Louis Armstrong is my favorite

What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world. What a wonderful world.

Back to bored

I really need some sort of hobby. I guess school being back tomorrow will help with that. The only resolution i have for this year was made before new years. im actually going to read my chemistry book along with the teacher's lessons. Btw, Billy, I got an 85% on my chem 2 final, if i didnt tell you.

it did however snow today. They were the biggest snowflakes i have ever seen. But the temperature wasnt even below freezing so it didnt stick to the roads. though it might ice over tonight. Its all silly.

im listening to punk music at the moment. its kinda fun. have you guys read the narnia series? Im rereading it and im on the horse and his boy right now. Its decent. Not one of my favorites, but its all good. i really just wanted to read the last battle when i started this crusade, but i figured it would make more sense to read through the entirety of the series.

i had a bit of a music day today. I listened to joanna newsom's The Milk-Eyed Mender. and i listened to Coldplay in Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends. The miles just keep rolling. as do my eyes. ive heard this life is over but i hope that it gets better as we go. ive heard a lot of things and they all seem like very important pieces of wisdom. But you have to wonder how important is wisdom. In fact, how important is anything. There are two answers. Either super important or not important. And at the moment, i can only see the latter. *sigh*






I have this female friend who is large and she keeps saying that she has clinical depression.  And im pretty sure that we all do if its what she has.    She is one of the only ones ive been able to talk to the past couple days and im barred from discussing anything "depressing".  So its depressing me and making me angry.  I want to talk to somebody about meaning and its distressing me to be void of super intelligence. There is no challenge right now.  And i am SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO bored.

Confident?

I feel like i have mastery. I'm not arrogant. I know it now. I'm just confident now. It's pretty odd. I feel like i could do anything. All of those sentences started with the letter "i". At least i can still recognize it.
But its still true. i feel strong once more.

Because i had a male friend over for the day, I keep thinking about the fanfiction "Claimed". The idea is that you have to feed and then overcome your prospective mate. And then you claim them. And I pretty much did that today. I prepared and gave him turkey quesadilla, i conquered him in SSB: Melee, and then we ate some more (corndogs this time). But I didn't do this purposefully. And I probably wouldn't be thinking it if he hadn't left seeming inferior to me. I was totally in control. Perhaps it happened from us being at my house, but he just seemed even somewhat nervous. It was odd. I had liked him before today, but i gave up on it because i'm almost 100% sure that he's totally straight. And we are pretty great friends. So im really confuzzled by the way he acted. It was just me and him. No one else. Guh maybe a mountain out of a molehill?

But whatever. He left right after looking at a drawing that i had done of the church-that-i-go-to's interior. It was a great drawing, and we had it pinned to the refrigerator. And then he started asking if i had tried any writing. Because he knows that I'm bored with everything at the moment. So maybe he had mastery and i was in a delusion state. Maybe we are just equals. Maybe i was right. Idontknow.

Control.

BTW, BB if you're reading this, it's just that you seemed odd when you left. And you've been acting kind of odd in the last couple days. The show you seem to be putting on is that you just remembered/ realized that i'm one of your better friends (not saying that i am, but that that's how it seems). Idk, is it just an act? If it is, you've sprung it just at the right moment to catch me though idk why you would. Paranoid, no. Just speculating. I wish i could be light yagami or L in Deathnote. Everything would be so much more interesting. But really, i do feel confident. How could i not?

Hmm

Facebook...

I tried it. I got one. And I'm afraid that it is a sign of conforming. So very afraid of being raped again and again. But the purpose was to friend a mildly autistic person who I had been told had just joined the facebook nation. And I sent the request. So we'll see. And I guess I just knew that i would eventually need one.

On a side note, here is an anecdote from the infinitely wise Patrick Star:

"Once there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died. The End."

When I was a little kid, I thought this was the most hilarious thing... And I still think that. : )

Have a wonderful day, silly people.