Boxes

Finishing high school and moving onto college is a complicated process.  So many missed opportunities because of my shyness and mistakes because of drama, pride, and carelessness.  I would definitely do it over again.

Sometimes I think of how life is, and I do not like what I think of.  But that's only sometimes.  The vast majority of the time, I'm just moving along.  The majority of the other time though (when I'm actually thinking for myself), I think that life is beautiful.

I still stand by my idea that I want to be an observer. I am afraid of love; I've realized it.  I'm afraid of boxes.  I'm afraid of anything that does not include me.  I am obsessed with the easy; I might have convinced myself that the ultimate goal of life is leisure (the word "leisure" is said with a soft e, not a hard e.  Like in "let", not "leaf").  I laugh often; mostly I am laughing AT something.  It just seems ridiculous.

I would like to think of myself as this super deep individual who can delve into his own mind and into silence.  I like to think of myself as a loner: I don't want your help.  I want to build and then only show you the result when it is either finished or magnificent.  I do not want you to see the work in progress; I am afraid you will condemn me.  I cannot be condemned until I have the finished product.  

There is this wonderful post on Hyperbole and A Half where the author expresses her bout with depression.  I feel like that is the sum total of my life so far: I have gone through some "terrible" experiences and come out the other side with this distinct outlook on life.  I am invincible because nothing can bring me that low again.  I always have knowledge: I can maintain my inner self no matter what you do to my outer body (theoretically).

I don't even know what I am doing here.  I feel rejected and loathsome.  I have embraced my role as the person who honestly dislikes the status of society but seeks its acceptance at the same time.  I just want to have food and drink and a place to chill and feel quiet.  I honestly dislike speaking to people.  I think it is super-frivolous, and I can only handle it for a little while.  

I have this issue, you see?  It's a confidence issue.  If people reject me, I feel ridiculously low and awful: it's the human condition.  So I have taught myself.  I would rather leave and go off on my own than try to fit into some small role.  I just don't belong here.  And the only reason that is true is that I don't WANT to belong here.  Don't put me in your little box.

Box-Cutter To Bowie

I am definitely an introvert.

About a year ago(?), I decided that I wanted to see if I could cut my own skin and withstand the pain.  I just wanted to see if I could do it.  So, I did it.  I locked the door to the bathroom, and started hacking at my thigh.  I was very clean about it and all that.  Afterward, I took a shower and watched the slight tinge of pink come out of my cat-scratches.  I didn't know that I was supposed to use a better knife than a box cutter...

Well, now, when I cut (I time it based on when the last cuts seem to have almost fully healed), I use a bowie knife that my dad has on a shelf in his office.  It is much easier to cut with and it does not hurt nearly as much.  With the box cutter, i would have to cut several times in the same place to make much of any headway.  And it stung A LOT and it was just not fun.  But with the bowie, one good slice does the same thing as about 4 or 5 harder slices of the box-cutter (also helps that it is longer than a razor blade).

I did not cut because I wanted to alleviate the pain of loneliness.  *FAINTS DRAMATICALLY*

No, I tried this
A) to prove that I was mentally strong enough to face pain and fight against it and
B) to give myself some scars that very few people will ever see.

I'm not suicidal, nor am I addicted.  I just think it gives me something DIFFERENT to do.  When I was in middle school, I always wanted to be the EMO kid, but I never had the guts to actually do it.  So I wore nondescript clothes, spoke scarcely, and focused on learning and grades.  I suffered quietly and personally.  I think I'm a Buddhist, you guys.

I still perform this ritualistic cutting session relatively often (keyword relatively, meaning not often).  Sometimes i just want to see what happens when I start to tear the world apart (Donnie Darko/The Destructors/Rise Against reference).  I stand by what i said a LONG time ago, "I want to see the end."