I am definitely an introvert.
About a year ago(?), I decided that I wanted to see if I could cut my own skin and withstand the pain. I just wanted to see if I could do it. So, I did it. I locked the door to the bathroom, and started hacking at my thigh. I was very clean about it and all that. Afterward, I took a shower and watched the slight tinge of pink come out of my cat-scratches. I didn't know that I was supposed to use a better knife than a box cutter...
Well, now, when I cut (I time it based on when the last cuts seem to have almost fully healed), I use a bowie knife that my dad has on a shelf in his office. It is much easier to cut with and it does not hurt nearly as much. With the box cutter, i would have to cut several times in the same place to make much of any headway. And it stung A LOT and it was just not fun. But with the bowie, one good slice does the same thing as about 4 or 5 harder slices of the box-cutter (also helps that it is longer than a razor blade).
I did not cut because I wanted to alleviate the pain of loneliness. *FAINTS DRAMATICALLY*
No, I tried this
A) to prove that I was mentally strong enough to face pain and fight against it and
B) to give myself some scars that very few people will ever see.
I'm not suicidal, nor am I addicted. I just think it gives me something DIFFERENT to do. When I was in middle school, I always wanted to be the EMO kid, but I never had the guts to actually do it. So I wore nondescript clothes, spoke scarcely, and focused on learning and grades. I suffered quietly and personally. I think I'm a Buddhist, you guys.
I still perform this ritualistic cutting session relatively often (keyword relatively, meaning not often). Sometimes i just want to see what happens when I start to tear the world apart (Donnie Darko/The Destructors/Rise Against reference). I stand by what i said a LONG time ago, "I want to see the end."
I've never liked pain. I bear it if I must, but I avoid it where I can. Some people fetishise it, I don't get that. To seek it out in conquest, of your psychic self over your corporeal self, I've felt that self-loathing. But there are so many better ways to conquer your body. Get your endorphins from running or cycling, or boxing or something physical. There is nothing so exhilarating as getting to the point where you run like you can run forever, of riding fast across the city, one with the machine. It's a great feeling. At 18 you can do that.
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