Damn, i reaaaaaaallly want to post my research paper here, in so far as it is

But it's not been turned in yet so i cant.  My teacher might search for it and find it on here.  Which would result in either him finding the site or him thinking i plagiarized.  So i cant post it.  I'll post it eventually.  i guess when we get the grade back.  Actually, i dont know if i will post it. It just seems like a hassle.  In other news, I'm almost done.  I have 1867 of the required 2500 words and like eight more paragraphs to write.  Maybe like six more.  Something like that.  Anyway, i developed an awesome rock playlist that i will also not post here for a while if at all.  This blog is going to have to be secretive from now on.  Like a spy organization.

Master passion and Greed.  Awesome song.  Metal rocks.  Anyway, its midnight.  So i want sleep.  night yall.  alexei nemov is telling me to go to sleep.  So i will.  Remind me to make a couple posts on the following:  free will, naturalist perspectives, and the idea of following/gaining followers.  Alright, for real, bye.

You know what, I don't care

I was going to talk about synthetic happiness, bad days due to changes of plan, and the oddity of the memory.  But i honestly don't give a shit.  So there, world.  I laugh at you.


I've been wondering why happiness is supposedly so important.  And the only answers i have come up with are nihilistic.  A friend of mine said I'm acting like a child who dismisses sex because he cannot conceive of the idea as so pleasurable. I wanted to dismiss the idea at once.  But i considered it.  I ended that conversation with the text, "Lol".

I honestly don't know why.  Not too hard to believe.  I dont know why i am afraid of life, afraid of messing up, afraid of gaining disrespect, afraid of failure.  But its shit.  I want you to look all around you.  If there is a creepy darkness, go turn on the light, and do your homework.  Then do the ballerina act of socializing.  Then just say fuck it.  Sleep on it.  And realize that im stupid.  That you are stupid. That verbal abuse is not the answer.  And then sleep on it some more.  And realize that nihilism is a paradox.  If life is nothing, then there is something there.  But when you start to believe in something, it will begin to become nothing again.

I hate the world.  So much.  Don't tell me that my philosophy is a failure.  Dont try to prove it to me.  I know that it is not a failure and at the same time is a failure.  So shut the hell up.  I'm a liar.  a compulsive one at that.  It's almost spring, you all.

It makes me want to cry.  It makes me want to attack the pillow and punch until the rage leaves.  It makes me want to punch somebody.  Just clobber them the moment they do something that just seems SSSSSOOOO stupid.  I dont want to talk to you all; nor do i want to talk to my friends.  Nor to my teachers, my family, or my "role models".  I don't want to go to church.  And i dont want to go to some lab exercise.  I dont want to write this research paper, and i dont want to listen to crappy music.  For hours.  I dont want to feel alone.  i do want to be alone.  I want freedom.  But i so love this cage.  I want to be strong, but a shield of weakness is a seductive thing.

I feel everchanging.  I feel like a hero of war.  I feel like saying a prayer of the refugee.  And i want a savior.

Just One

So i have one moment to breathe.  For the next two weeks, i will probably be not so very active socially online.  I have a research paper to do which i should have done last week, but yeah, procrastination.  So, i just wanted to keep you up to date.  I did some cell culture today and it was good.  I like being in the lab.

Have a good week.  I'm now obsessed with the Rolling Stones' Paint it Black.

Attention, FP (2)

There is no sense in just pretending.  I would ask though that you do not read this blog.  It is no offense or anger at you, but I would just rather you not read it.  It is somewhat personal.  You know who you are--your initials are FP.  This isn't reverse psychology.  However, if you decide not to heed my request, just keep it to yourself.

LOLOLOL

Attention, FP

There is no sense in just pretending.  I would ask though that you do not read this blog.  It is no offense or anger at you, but I would just rather you not read it.  It is somewhat personal.  You know who you are--your initials are FP. 

So I found that post that I worked on for a while.  It wasn't great, but it was decent.  Here ya go:

Sufjan Stevens is a winner.  His Illinois album is great.  That's not why I'm here though.

School is kicking my ass.  Because I still have perfectionist ideas, and I am prone to the whims of the men in educator uniforms.  But that's not why I'm here.

I have had more pageviews in the past 12 days than the best of my months so far.  That's not why I'm here.

I delude myself that about 5 internet people that I don't even know are going to give me some sort of awesome network of older gay friends, and we're going to form the League of Homocites.  And it will all be daisies and Red Rover.  Is that why I'm here?

I'm not rebelling.  I'm hardly questioning.  I'm not stabbing.  I'm taking.  But I do give for my products.  I have a dog to my family's name.  I have a computer to my father's name.  I have a house to my parents' name.  I have my virginity.  Is that something?  I haven't had my first kiss.  I hung out with 10 girls tonight, and I felt awkward.  My "best" friend and I have hardly hung out at all in the past month.  I spend less time sleeping than I should.  I spend more time eating than I might should.  I spend more time studying than about 90% of my school.  I spend my time reading things that are completely relevant to philosophy but not to anything else.  i spend my time reading things that are relevant to life but not to thinking.  I spend my time reading porn--I read something with French in it the other day, and I was really happy about that.  I eat chicken, pork, and ground beef.  But I do not eat steak or fish--if I can help it.  I love bread.  I like fruit.  I don't especially like vegetables.

I figure out that my friends are no longer dating 2 months after the breakup and only learn that they are dating someone 5 months after they started.

 I had more to add, but I don't feel like continuing it.  I was just going to ramble until i got angry about the post and ended it abruptly.  (Abruptness is a social comment)

Lost

Fooly Cooly is my favorite anime ever.  It tops Avatar, Naruto, Bleach, DBZ, and even Bobobo bo bobobo.  It's about this kid named Nauta.  He gets hit by this alien girl, and then robots and stuff pop out of his head.  And I was watching the final episode of the 6-episode anime, but Megavideo decided that i had watched too much and cut me off.

Those bastard nazis.  Sorry  about the last post; i really hope you will still continue to read my mindless drivel.  I just wanted to let you all know that I am overstressed at the moment.  I have this university class that i am supposed to devote like 14 hours of my time to, and it's working out wonderfully (sarcasm--language of the weak).  I have 5 normal classes to keep up with, which wouldn't be that hard if i wasn't doing the university thing.  But i am, so yeah.  i have a research paper to do for english.  i have to worry about my ap tests, ACT tests, SAT tests, and a butt-load of other things.  I have to worry about school clubs, school activities, and grades.  I have soccer to do--which apparently has informed me that i am out of shape.  I have to improve my music tastes.  And on top of that, I have to worry about life.  About meaning.  Ooh voila; there's nothing there.  And so...

I'm in a heap.  Stuff on top of me, stuff below me, and i can't help but wonder if there is a giant mouth somewhere below me, chomping all this stuff into little tiny bits.  I would like to go into some interesting imagery to describe just how i feel, but that would take too long.  So uh, stfu.  Leave me alone.  (if i had to do the imagery, it would be of a jail-cell and me acting like tom sawyer--because i am so frazzled that i cannot decide which plan to go with, huck finn ftw).  The worst part of it is that i'm doing it alone.  All of it, there isn't a person that i can confide in and be happy about my self-centered life with.
Do you ever stop to wonder if life is just a dream?  If we are all just fermenting in an egg--until we have lived every possible life and at once become GOD?  I kind of do.

I can’t help but wonder if there’s some moon inside me, spinning and shifting without my consent, making here over there and over there here,and I’m afraid I’ll end up rolling out, beyond the lifeguard stand, up and over the dunes and into the parking lot, sprawling into the roads, unearthing houses and lampposts, drowning children I’ve knocked from their bikes. I stare at the farthest reaches of the tallest trees, jutting up like the tips of an explosion, and I imagine touching them but it feels all wrong, like fingering the corners of my heart–somewhere that shouldn’t be touchable, a place that shouldn’t be reached. And wherever that is, I know that’s where I am. -Everything I’m Cracked Up To Be

But then again, i don't.  I'm just a helpless 17-year old.  I don't care about people (lie)--and they only sometimes give a rat's ass about me.  And then, i just pity, pity, pity.  It's my only function anymore (lie).  And it just gets so hard sometimes.  Be calm, be calm (quote?).  So i follow my rut lines.  And i trap myself by conditioning myself to think morbidly, self-centeredly,  and "analytically".  And it's shit.  Vie du merde.  Yeh, profanity.  Get used to it.  Don't get used to it.  Be Holden Caufield.  See that "F" "U" "C" "K" and erase it.  Get so flaming mad that you want to kill whoever wrote it.  Be a righteous NAZI!!!!  or a righteous fox--whatever the hell that means.  Be happy.  Be happy.  Be happy.  Be healthy.  Be happy Be happy be happy be happy behappybehappybehappybehappy.  What about the mold?  No just do what i say. 

Even with freedom, even with thought, all the world is still not yours.  Your mind is not even your own.  You should be happy.   You shouldn't be told to be happy.  Agg, this silence is killing me.  Come on.  Come on.  What's it not to you.  I don't know.  I've lost my thunder.  I just don't get the product anymore.  It's like i've calculated the sum--and im unwilling to pay it.  So i go for lower quality--and that may as well be the lowest possible.  Ahhhhh,,  so many thoughts.  They are took control.  I are can't think.  Not are in the way that i want.

Nothing

F, I just spent like an hour writing this post, and then accidentally closed the tab.  Anyway, I have more pageviews for the past 12 days than I do for my best month so far.  I've also noticed that when i post once a day, i get less pageviews.  I guess that it relates to how the farmers made less when they produced more produce.

This is kind of stupid.  You are stupid.  Do you know that?  lkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk
So, um.  I have nothing to say.

Annoyed, peeved, self-conscious

If people believe that autism is supposed to breed smart/pattern-seeing abilities, then they need to qualify it with the possibility of some of the most hopeless possibilities of delusion possible.  Possificated in a possified possibility.  Type thingy.  For the record, i do not hate autistic people or feel that they are responsible for all of their shortcomings.  In this case, it is probably much more of the way he was raised.

I personally just don't understand why people are gay. Is it a cope out? a perversion? or both? Never the less it is a weakness. It is so wrong that even science has proven it's existence is both a myth and a drag on evolution. Gay's can't reproduce naturally so it is a perversion by definition. Yes we are free so we can do what ever we want. we can jump off a bridge! we can subside to the practice of being gay. but it is so wrong that it is even stupid to science! come on people grow a pair! Just because politics says it's ok dosen't mean you have to support it. Dummies!

and:

Prejudice at gays in the work place is wrong. We are all children of our heavenly Father and deserve love and respect from our fellow man. However as a society we should not support immorality in any form. I think that being gay is immoral and their sin should not be supported.

I don't think that I could make this up.   *Shakes head in shame of man* 


In other news, I was basically pick-pocketed today.  The person stole my calculator from my backpack.  But i noticed it happening--though i wasnt sure if someone was just pushing me along down the stairs (they do that sometimes).  So I checked my calculator pocket at the end of the stairs while looking to see who i thought had done it.  He was a classmate of mine.  He never brings a backpack to class and i'm pretty sure that he doesn't give a shit about school.  So i caught up to him, called his name, and asked if he had taken something from my backpack.  He of course said no, and then he began to walk off.  He got about 5 feet before i began following him, and then after following him for about thirty feet, he reached in his clothes (pants? shirt?) and produced the missing calculator.  I took it back. 

I was prepared not to tell anyone.  But it's been bothering me all day.  So i told my dad what happened because i wanted to know if he would have done anything differently.  He said he probably would have done the same thing, while making sure to protect himself.  But then he said that he would go with me to school the next day, and we would tell the principle--because he wants to make sure there is some prior basis of theft or other bad stuff in case the guy does it again.  And i dont like it.  Partly because i feel like a rat, no matter how many times i try to tell myself im not and justify.  But also because i dont want to do anything bad to the guy.  I dont hardly want to do anything bad to anybody.  But justice is justice.  I'm going to do my best to keep this from getting him into any immediate trouble when we talk to the principle.  I don't know whether that is right or wrong.  I care a lot though, and it is bugging me.  It doesn't help matters that he is in one of my classes. 

Alright, now i have to ask it.  What do you all think of me?  I mean, i think of myself as the best thing since squeezable cheese, but you all probably have much more variegated ideas of me.  And sorry, but i am a teenager.  I have to make my way in the world based on experience, knowledge, and the opinions of people i respect.  (Please put two and two together, there.)  I am wondering more on a personality/character scale than a writer/story-teller scale.  So yeah, what is your opinion of me?

Mitchell Heisman

Article about it

IT

So, I think that I should read this.  But, I do not like reading big huge books that I can only access as .pdfs.  What i've read so far is kind of... AWEsome.  But i don't want to read 1905 pages...

Uncertain of uncertainty, skeptical of skepticism, it seems
that the most important question is whether there is an
important question. The only serious question is whether
there is anything to take seriously. What has previously been
considered of value or importance appears as only an
expression of myth, bias…error.

 And then of course.

We open the successive doors in Bluebeard’s castle because
“they are there,” because each leads to the next by a logic of
intensification which is that of the mind’s own awareness of
being. To leave one door closed would be not only
cowardice but a betrayal—radical, self-mutilating—of the
inquisitive, probing, forward-tensed stance of our species.
We are hunters after reality, wherever it may lead. The risk,
the disasters incurred are flagrant. But so is, or has been
until very recently, the axiomatic assumption and a priori of
our civilization, which holds that man and truth are
companions, that their roads lie forward and are
dialectically cognate….We cannot turn back. We cannot
choose the dreams of unknowing. We shall, I expect, open
the last door in the castle even if it leads, perhaps because it
leads, onto realities which are beyond the reach of human
comprehension and control. We shall do so with that
desolate clairvoyance, so marvelously rendered in Bartók’s
music, because opening doors is the tragic merit of our
identity.

This stuff is pretty interesting.  See, this is how i want to spend my hours.  Reading, proliferating knowledge or examination, speculating.  Not just constantly following the rules of a society.  It is a selfish desire, but do you think we could perhaps stop the equivocating--at least for certain people?  I don't want any change.  I truly don't.  But i have to question.  And analyze.  And sift.  So that I can be power.  So that I can distinguish.  So that I can.

I want new.  I don't want, "Oh, you have to check yourself based on this event/phenomenon/rule."  I want creativity.  I want imagination.  I want the right-brain, uncentrifuged by the left-brain; then I want the left-brain.  Stop taking from the ism and start feeding your own ism.  But make sure it isn't an ism.  Make sure that you don't tie it down.  Make sure that it can live on its own--with the back-up of the national internationality of self.  Let it draw from every idea, ever.  Let it so remain.  Then let it be destroyed.  Let water into it, and have it degrade.  Let the sun melt it, turn it white, and nourish.  Let the flies have it.  Then make a new one.  Then decide that you want the old one back.  Clean it up a bit.  Then decide on the other, of whichever other you have.  Then merge the two.  And repeat.  Invent.

Empiricism

STEPHEN FRY: WHAT I WISH I'D KNOWN WHEN I WAS 18 from Peter Samuelson on Vimeo.

:)

Nuts and Reasons, You absolutely made my day.  Link to The Post that made my day.

In English class, we have been reading The Grapes of Wrath.  It's kind of funny how there is so much religious imagery going on in that book while at the same time there is so much suffering.  The word passion means suffering.  So all the passion of the Christians, yeah, that's suffering.  Not any sort of good quality.  The funny part is that it is so nonsensical.

This train of thought invariably got me thinking of how the current order of society is breeding sheep-mentality into the nation.  There are always outliers that go in the opposite direction, but as a general rule, most of the people are held within the rules.  Whether it be that of a bureaucratic system or that of a communist dictatorship is irrelevant.  The fact of the matter is that we as a generation are being taught to stay within all the lines in school--to search for the answer, not strive for an idea.  I think that this is good for society--at least somewhat.  I really cannot bring myself to hate this in the broad spectrum.  Nor can I bring myself to hate it on the individual spectrum because of those outliers--the loners and the artists.

It is difficult to remark on society.  In fact, ours is so very complex that the line between politics, economics, religion, and social aspects are almost indistinguishable.  It's all just one mass.  Now, again, I do not know if this is good or bad.  And it definitely comes from a narrow scope.  So take it with a grain of salt.

Back to Grapes of Wrath.  I think it is one of the funniest books i have ever read.  Honestly, it is hilarious and depressingly hopeless all at once.  The humor factor is augmented by the fact that I am in a class full of upper-intelligence students who can notice some of the humorous things very easily.

Sorry for not posting so much recently  (haha, as if you all deserve it).  I've been a bit stressed lately.  I have soccer, school, science stuff, society, salliteration, etc to worry about.  So, I haven't been doing that much abstract thinking lately.  But I appreciate my readers.  It seems they have increased in the past week or so.  Huzzah for accomplishments.  And now, I bid you adieu until next time, whoever "you" are.  Have a crimminy jim-jams week.  (I love Spongebob and Courage.)  ;)