Daddy Problems

A friend of mine said something interesting to me recently.  She said, "We all have daddy problems."  Of course, this applies much more to some than others, but in general, almost everybody has some problem with their father that fucks them up. 

Whether it be the absence of a father, some form of neglect, or just the idea that your father hindered you, we all have problems with our dads.  For me, it's a little different, but I do have "daddy problems".

I can't speak for most others, but maybe explaining my situation might help.  Honestly, I would consider my relationship with my father to be a good one.  There are some poisonous raptors in the closet, but that closet isn't used too often. 

I mean, we don't talk too much; so, maybe our decent relationship is a result of superficiality?  He always told me how proud he was of me.  Over this past summer, my brother drove home from a bar or something slightly tipsy and ran over a mailbox; the whole event caused a pretty decent riff in the family between my father and my brother.  One of the most recent times where my father said he was proud of me was after an argument between my father and brother concerning the accident/screw-up.  His reasoning was personified in this one image he had in his mind.  Basically, I used to do gymnastics but quit after a year's struggle with some fractures in my back.  Anyway, the image of me that made him proud was that before we knew there were fractures, I would  basically struggle through it.  After every vault or floor or hi bar practice/competition routine, I would bend over and try to stretch my back because, who woulda thought, it turned out to be broken.  (I'm fine now, btw)

My daddy problems do correspond around my sexuality and atheism, but as of yet, they are not problems.  They are future problems--or never problems, depending on which one comes first.

My father thinks I am close to the perfect son.  He and my grandfather have always favored me because I'm good at everything (but socializing).  I think they really like me because of my brains.  I don't know; it's a relationship.  It's complex. 

I think my relationship with my father is similar to my relationship to God.  I don't want him to exist the way he does, and if I so chose, I could end the relationship.  But there are times where I think of him, and I can't help but have these feelings.  Of happiness? Of contentment? Of love?


I guess when it all boils down, it's always me striving for approval and him seeking to give it.  I wonder when our dance will fall apart.

Last year or so, I had this general idea that I owed my father nothing because it was his JOB to raise me.  It was HIS burden.  But now, I think I had it completely wrong.  It was his burden; it was his JOB to raise me.  BUT, I did owe him something.  For every moment he gave to me.  For every favor he gave to me.  For every time that he said, "I'm proud of you" and genuinely meant it.  For every second he spent trying to raise me in the way he thought best.  I owe him everything and yet nothing.

Literary twins and brothers

Holden Caufield definitely.  We were to read this over the summer, and some people in my class said that they did not understand Holden at all.  I was like, wtf is wrong with you?  (Catcher in the Rye- J.D. Salinger)

Bazarov, Yevgeny Vasilyevich is second place.  I am at heart a bit of a nihilist. (Fathers and Sons- Turgenev)

Donnie Darko comes in third only because he is only characterized in a certain light in the movie.  And as well, he is different from me to at least a certain degree. (Donnie Darko: Director's Cut)

Prometheus- If I were in the Great "We" society, I would like to think that I would be the one to bring fire back to man.  (Anthem- Ayn Rand)

Wiley- If you have yet to read "Pictures of You", I implore you to read it in so far as it has gone.  Patrick is a bit more fiercely angry/sour than I am, but he's just about right.  Wiley is probably the better fit for me, though.   In fact, Wiley only comes in fifth because this is not literature or a movie, but it seems to be as good as literature to me. ("Pictures of You"- no idea the author's name, but great nonetheless)

I did not relate to ANYBODY in The Scarlet Letter or Wuthering Heights.  They were the crappiest wastes of my time that I have ever read.  (On a side note: Did nobody like my taste in music [EDIT: other than Pink Floyd]?  At least enjoy fun.  They are a good band with good lyrics, sound, and vocals.)