Yo look at this update

I listened to the lyrics of a song today (5 Years Time by Noah and the Whale), and they kind of spoke to me.  They reminded me of a girl I know (named Ashley) who probably represents a lot of my friends from high school. 

In five years time I might not know you
In five years time we might not speak
In five years time we might not get along
In five years time you might just prove me wrong

Oh there'll be love love love
Wherever you go
There'll be love

I know it's supposed to have a hipster love song feel, but it made me think of how I steadily and surely do not know people.  We are everchanging, and because I do not go to college with my old friends, we are drifting apart.  The last part made me think of Ashley because right after it, a Florence + the Machine song came on--which is basically her jam.

These days, I would normally post this kind of consideration on my tumblr, but I felt like giving you all an update, sort of.  I somehow still get pageviews every day on this blogger page.

Anyway, I'm doing fine, growing older as time goes by.  I'm a sophomore in college now, and my overall GPA is like a 3.7; so I guess we could say I'm doing fine in my profession as a student.  I've made friends at my university, and I've kept in good contact with some friends from high school. I'm working on getting a summer internship so that I can get another internship next year (for the summer of my junior year) so that I can build my career experience as a chemical engineer.  Once I finish college, I hope to use said internship experience(s) to get a decent job and proceed with my life as an adult who does adult things like die slowly. 

I'm still a weak-willed, sarcastic man-child with a strong sense of self-deprecation and silliness, and I have no major goals besides living life to some extent.  As long as I'm alive and enjoying some things, I am successful.  Another year has come and gone, and I'm still here.

Yo my autoplay is perfect.

I moved into my new dorm for this year today.  I said goodbye to my parents; I met my new roommate.  My room is absolutely frozen (which is a good thing).  I have made up my mind to go join all the engineering and chemistry clubs I can find, the LGBTQ organization on campus, an anime club, a soccer team, and maybe frisbee again.  We'll see.

I spent my summer working and dicking around, watching anime, loving tumblr, and hating reddit.  It was time well-wasted.  One of my friends remarked the other day that all of the really intelligent people she knows are falling into this pattern of having no ambition.  It seems to be pretty silly.  Some of the smartest people I know just don't want to do anything.  I've felt that way for a while; I made a goal a while back to become an old man.  I've long espoused that I am an observer; I don't really care about my own gains.  I mean, they kind of make me happy, but I prefer not to go out of my way to be particularly successful.  It's kind of silly.

I've been thinking a good deal lately.  And by that I mean that I've had ideas in the back of my mind for a while now.  I have told you all before about that one girl back home whom I consider to be my best female friend.  She might still check this page every now and then.  We made an agreement to marry each other after college if neither of us had any other person that we were interested in.  That seems incredible, exciting to me.  We would get married and do married people stuff and it would be great.  We would eventually have children, and we would be the parents who just want their child to be happy, no matter what.  And I feel that I could make a really good father, and thus a decent husband. 

But at the same time, I really want to go out with a guy.  I want to experience everything I can in terms of a gay relationship.  It's just something that I feel I need to experience.

Anyway, I am well; I'm healthy and content.  A little anxious about school and needing to find an internship/research project this year.  I don't want to jump into a career where I have to try really hard to be professional.  I just want to do my job and be done with it.  Why do I have to impress employers and all that stuff?  It seems silly.  But I am well, overall.  I'm hoping that my classes will turn out alright.

And yeah, my autoplay on tumblr is perfect.  Don't try to tell me otherwise.

I'm doing spiffy, how about you>>

I'm sorry for not coming around blogger... like at all in the past month.  anime and work and tumblr have consumed me.  tumblr is hilarious and beautiful and SO SO SAD.  All the fandoms and the people, and it's just great.  I'm not sure how long this will last though.

Happy Mother's Day

I've been a bit out of sorts this past week.  A woman from my church, happily married with a 20 year old daughter, died last week of very acute leukemia.  They had the funeral for her yesterday, and it was terribly sad, terribly touching, but rather well done.  This was mostly due to our excellent pastor.  Her husband and her daughter both spoke, and when the daughter started crying, a floodgate was opened.  Probably everyone in that church (like 300-400 people) just started bawling.  I was no exception.  When the husband spoke, he said that his wife would have wanted him to lighten the mood, but you could tell that he was terribly pained while speaking.  I can't imagine that kind of loss.  Thinking about it makes me realize just how much I should and do love my mother.  I was sitting alone, but my only goal after the service was to find and hug my mom. 

It was a crazy week.  My thoughts are with the family as they grieve their loss.

Merrrrrr

I have 2 of my 3 finals behind me, and the next/last one isn't for another 5-6 days.  So I'm spending my days stalking tumblr, stalking the three subs I interact in on reddit, mildly checking facebook for this one girl who consistently posts puns, playing video games, playing pokemon whilst watching Inazuma Eleven (the soccer version of YuGiOh), exercising, and reading gay romance stories like a fourteen year old girl reading "normal" romance stories.  AND I'M LOVING EVERY SECOND OF IT.  Except that the gay romance stories are depressing me because the main one I'm reading is so SUPER happy.  (And no, I'm not linking you to it or telling you the title.)

But I'm really ready to get home.  I'll probably spend the summer working by day and spending time with friends at night--or not interacting with people (because that's what I do now).

I've been thinking a lot lately.  About a lot of things.  About being shy.  About what kind of people I want to meet.  About how to go about meeting such people.  About going up and randomly meeting people.  About this girl at home and the category of the immense feelings I have for her.  About how I haven't written back to my best friend who is a man on a mission at the moment.  About all of the times in my life when I have been uninteresting or cold.  About how much I desperately hate having a roommate and not sleeping in my bed at home.  About home.  About forsaking the benefits of my education here at Vandy and transferring to UTK back home. 

I really haven't made any rather good friends here or even people who would have mutual interest in being good friends (besides my roommate, but that relationships is and forever will be strained).  I don't know if I'm cut out for college.  I can't make male friends because I am neither interesting on my own, nor do I have much of any interest in sports or girls.  I can't make female friends because I am somewhat shy/afraid of being labeled a creeper--and I can't seem to get past the idea that new female friends aren't worth that much to me.  I can't help it.  I see these girls that are interested in their own friends, in parties, in having fun in college, in boys.  And I just don't want to be part of that crowd.  It does not entice me.  But I am trying.  Sometimes.

I don't know.  I just feel really silly and tired.  After having written all this out, I am HEAVILY considering not even posting it and deleting all of it.  But whatever, I felt like I should update.  I'll just... bye.

God this is superb and makes me cry every gotdamn time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TQLSITaxUoM&feature=player_embedded

Imma makin' me a list

of shit to be done.  This is so that I know all the things I gotta do in the next week or two.

Physics test tuesday. (9) Ch. 29-32

Comp. Sci. test Wednesday. (10) Sections 2.6-2.7

Chem lab + quiz Friday. (12) Everything from the beginning of Chem lab

Orgo test next Monday. (15) Ch. 21-23

FAFSA, CSS, all that financial aid shit DUE next Monday. (15)

Comp. Sci. project due next Tuesday. (16) Has not taught it yet

Physics lab quiz either Wednesday or next Wednesday. (10) or (17) SEVERAL labs

Ok, not as bad as I thought--especially since I'm most of the way through the comp. sci. project already.  Yay for Saturday night homeworking.  The only bad part is that I pretty much have to boss all three of these tests out of the water.  Shouldn't be too hard though.  At least Diff. eq. is basically over with for this month.

Stoicism

Hey.  I had an excessively frustrating day today.  Three main lows:  starting at little sleep because I was studying most of the night, losing many more points on the subsequent test than I meant to, and spending 4 hours in orgo lab only to realize I trashed my organic layer instead of my aqueous one.  On my way home, I tried to sing a couple words from "Have You Ever Seen the Rain" by CCR and I couldn't because the tears choked me up as thoughts of my mother reeled through my head.  but it's not all bad.  If today was any day other than Friday, I would be supremely upset, though.

I miss my friends.  I miss my family. 

Oh and hey, I got a tumblr.  If you're interested, leave a message.

k bye

So, an update or two.

Since starting college, I have become a bit reclusive in many ways.  I've become a social media expert, approximately, but I kind of fail at making friends otherwise.  I'm getting better, though--little by little. 

I have gone through tons of anime and manga in this past semester and a quarter.  I am currently caught up on Naruto, Bleach, Fairytail, and Hunter x Hunter (which is really good and would be awesome if it wasnt on semi-permanent hiatus).  I am ALMOST caught up on One Piece; I spent the last 2-3 weeks marathoning through the anime/skimming the boring parts of the manga. I got through probably 150 episodes in 2-3 weeks; what is my life?  At some point, I need to tackle Fullmetal Alchemist and actually make it through Stein's Gate instead of flaking after the first episode. 

Naruto is 621 chapters so far, Bleach 529, Fairytail 321, HunterxHunter stuck at 340 with a couple extra side chapters for a movie that came out recently in Japan. Bakuman was 176 chapters, Death Note 109, M.A.R. 161.  One Piece is 699 chapters (I'm at 610 currently).  Each of these chapters is going to be at least 15 pages, probably more like 20.  So lets do some math.  Let's say each chapter is 18 pages long; with Naruto alone, I have made it through approximately 11,178 pages of manga.  Adding all of the others together, 621 + 529 + 321 + 342 + 176 + 109 + 161 + 610 = 2,869 chapters of manga.  So, 2,869 chapters x 18 pages/chapter = 51,642 pages of manga.  What is my life?  Granted, I did not read through all of bleach or all of One Piece (I watched big portions of them), but still, that's a ton of manga.

I haven't let my academic life fall off a cliff, either.  I had about a 3.8 GPA last semester, and I made all As on the first round of tests for this semester.

Perspective

You are in a room with 99 other people.  50 men, 50 women.  If you play your cards right, you have a shot at a (romantic) relationship with ~48 of these.  You are straight.

If you play your cards right, you have a shot at a romantic relationship with ~1 of these.  You are gay.

If you play your cards right, you have a shot at a romantic relationship with 0 of these.  You are asexual.

When straight people complain about having trouble finding relationships, I'm just like, "You're shitting me, right?"  How do you think trans people feel?  How do you think gay people feel?  Of the 250 people around my age I know decently well, probably 12 are gay or bi.  Do you know how lonely and discouraging that is?  95% of the people that I might someday be attracted to are PHYSICALLY UNABLE to return that attraction.

Now fast forward in that perspective.  How do you determine if you are interested in someone?  Typically, you start with looks and move in on the personality or stumble upon the personality, correct?  After gender, that is.  How do gay people determine if they are interested in someone?  Largely the same way.  However, they have to go through a lot more people to find someone who might like them back, and even then, the chances aren't the best.

Of a room of 100 people of the opposite sex, how many would you probably initially dismiss based on looks and personality?  Let's say you only dismiss 20.  So we're left with 80 people. Take the number you have left and divide it by about 40.  So for our example where we dismissed 20, we are left with 2.   Now divide by 2.  That's the percentage of the population that a gay person might be interested in based on typical straight methods of relationship hunting. 1%

Alright I'm tired.  I don't know quite what I was trying to do with this post, but basically, the world can look discouraging for LGBT people (Well, maybe not the B people).  But you see my point, yes?

Good day.

I have a problem

Middle school.  Everything from 2005-2008.  I cannot think about it.  I can't remember it.  I can't.  And if I see something, hear something, watch something about middle school, I can't.  My heart feels empty and I die a little bit.  The first half of this video destroys my insides: 

Anytime people mention a first kiss.  I just lock up and I can't deal with it.  It throws me into ridiculous despair.  And the most ridiculous part is that nothing THAT bad happened in middle school.  In fact, I don't know if I could consider it bad at all.  I just, I can't deal with it.  I have to consider it a weakness.