I have 2 of my 3 finals behind me, and the next/last one isn't for another 5-6 days. So I'm spending my days stalking tumblr, stalking the three subs I interact in on reddit, mildly checking facebook for this one girl who consistently posts puns, playing video games, playing pokemon whilst watching Inazuma Eleven (the soccer version of YuGiOh), exercising, and reading gay romance stories like a fourteen year old girl reading "normal" romance stories. AND I'M LOVING EVERY SECOND OF IT. Except that the gay romance stories are depressing me because the main one I'm reading is so SUPER happy. (And no, I'm not linking you to it or telling you the title.)
But I'm really ready to get home. I'll probably spend the summer working by day and spending time with friends at night--or not interacting with people (because that's what I do now).
I've been thinking a lot lately. About a lot of things. About being shy. About what kind of people I want to meet. About how to go about meeting such people. About going up and randomly meeting people. About this girl at home and the category of the immense feelings I have for her. About how I haven't written back to my best friend who is a man on a mission at the moment. About all of the times in my life when I have been uninteresting or cold. About how much I desperately hate having a roommate and not sleeping in my bed at home. About home. About forsaking the benefits of my education here at Vandy and transferring to UTK back home.
I really haven't made any rather good friends here or even people who would have mutual interest in being good friends (besides my roommate, but that relationships is and forever will be strained). I don't know if I'm cut out for college. I can't make male friends because I am neither interesting on my own, nor do I have much of any interest in sports or girls. I can't make female friends because I am somewhat shy/afraid of being labeled a creeper--and I can't seem to get past the idea that new female friends aren't worth that much to me. I can't help it. I see these girls that are interested in their own friends, in parties, in having fun in college, in boys. And I just don't want to be part of that crowd. It does not entice me. But I am trying. Sometimes.
I don't know. I just feel really silly and tired. After having written all this out, I am HEAVILY considering not even posting it and deleting all of it. But whatever, I felt like I should update. I'll just... bye.
I'm sure you are glad that school is just about over for the summer! And reading gay romance is awesome! (Please tell me what you're reading so I can get it, too!)
ReplyDeleteMaddy, I know you find it hard to make friends. Have you considered looking for an LGBT group on campus? There are fewer male/female stereotypes there, and certainly no one will expect you to chase after the girls or be a sports expert (though there are gay guys who love sports as much as the straight guys).
I can identify with not liking a roommate (though I must say that if you posted why your roommate is a strain, I have forgotten, please forgive me). But next year you can find an apartment, and while you would have flatmates, you'd have a room (and sometimes a bathroom) to yourself. Perhaps even on campus there are suites that are typically 4 bedrooms, a common area, and 2 shared bathrooms.
Your thoughts are all pretty normal. Many freshmen have exactly the same ones. Moving away is tough, it is an adjustment larger that just about any other you've made in your entire life. But you can handle it. Just the fact you're thinking says to me that you are OK. And you say you are trying to make friends. That's a start.
One thing is for sure: you are NOT SILLY! These are NOT silly thoughts at all. And writing them out will help you focus on the answers. I think you're doing well, despite the challenges. Keep in mind that you do have friends here in the blogworld who do care about you, don't find you shy or silly or a creeper.
Holler if you ever need to talk. I'm around.
Peace <3
Jay
Thanks Jay. It's really awesome how you're here to help everybody in the community, and I really appreciate it.
DeleteI don't know if I specifically mentioned my roommate before, but I just can't deal with having only an 8 X 15 room to live in and no actual space that is entirely mine. He's a pretty nice guy, but he farts and scratches his balls in his sleep/while trying to fall asleep. He also smells, and has very odd sleeping patterns that make me uncomfortable. That's why our relationship is strained. Also that he's not quite my type of person. He has his moments where I just want to be best friends, but then he has even bigger moments where I'm just like, why are we friends? Maybe I'm judging too harshly, but I'm just not a fan.
I've already picked out my room for next year, and it is a bit further from campus, but also a liitle bigger. I will have a roommate, but I think we'll be good friends. I'm going to try MUCH harder for a single if I'm still living on campus junior year.
With sports, it's not so much that I dislike them; it's just that I'm not interested in obsessing over them.
Thank you for the encouragement. Again, I really appreciate it. And about the gay romance, it's called "No, I'm not telling you" by Sorry McIapologizepants.
Hmmmm, can't find the book via Google. Any info on where to get it?
DeleteJay
I will not budge.
Deletehttps://i.chzbgr.com/maxW500/2285207808/h50BC936F/
Yep, it's the male condition for so many of us, being too shy. You've just got to make the effort. Write that email, send that text, make that call... Get involved in things on campus, lgbt or other, you don't need to "be interesting" yourself, just be involved in interesting things. Don't let yourself make excuses.
ReplyDeleteHousing options will improve, later year classes will be smaller and more friendly, all that stuff. My life fell apart in 1st year, for basically the same reasons. I ended up sitting my exams while staying in a seedy hotel in the seediest part of town. I didn't do very well. But I kept on going and yes, things did get better.
Billy, you are SOOOO right! I know I did OK my first 2 semesters, then almost bombed out for many different reasons, almost all having to do with uncertainly and doubt in myself.
DeleteMaddy, you can DO IT! And we got your back, friend!
Jay
Thanks Billy. I'm definitely going to make a much more concerted and determined effort next year to get involved with the LGBT group here on campus. I think I will also be more generally, genuinely friendly. It's a goal, and although I never let my goals get in the way of my dreams, I WILL keep this one.
DeleteIm not too sure what its like at college for you, but what i've found in my time at 'college' or what we'd call 'university' here, is that it is quite difficult to make friends without putting in quite a lot of effort and being proactive. I'm a bit of a shy person myself and never really had the courage to actually talk and befriend random people, but the very few that I did talk to, I'm still friends with. Most of my friends are actually those people i met in the two years I lived in on campus accommodation, a residence hall i guess you could say - funny, that we actually call it a residential college.
ReplyDeleteGood luck with your final exam!
Hi there, Maddy
ReplyDeleteI hope you don't mind me dropping in out of the blue - I found your blog from your comment on Sergio's.
One more suggestion: how about trying to find friends who are interested in the same things as you? Manga and anime would seem to be obvious areas, and I'm sure there are other people around you who like them.
And I agree with Jay: you're not being silly. You're living through probably the single biggest change in your life, and you're having to learn to cope with it as you go. It's quite understandable that you're thinking about it a lot.
Take care
Mark
Dropping in is much appreciated, as is the advice. The basic conclusion that I have come to is that I need to be more diligent about spending my time with other people rather than with the internet. I'm going to talk to as many people as I can in my new dorm at the beginning of next semester and get to know those people pretty well.
DeleteI also met some fun people at the end of last semester, and I'm hoping that I can become better friends with them.