I do not know if I have written on this subject before. It has been popping in and out of my head lately. I love the guy. Well, mostly. Sometimes, I hate him. But we'll get to that later.
My father is a general contractor--he builds stuff. He is presently somewhere in his late-forties, and he married my mother when he was in his twenties. They met in college. He was striving to become an engineer; she an educator. Only one is now what he/she tried to be. He could not complete his degree program and switched his major; she (eventually) became the director of a preschool and then a teacher of teachers. In summary, he did not quite live up to his college goal.
He is always doubting himself when it is not something that he knows--he knows building and sports. When it comes to writing, spelling, using any new technology, he is an intimidated puppy. He shields himself by hiding behind his lack of early school-training prowess, dyslexia, and his unhelpful parents. If he is not winning, he hides behind his spotty ignorance and occasional stupidity, and he will try to be the martyr. He will take on as much weight as he can, and when he fails, it is because everyone else gave him too great of a burden. Perhaps that is his biggest flaw. I guess he would be termed as lacking confidence and self-destructive.
He can be a kind individual. He socializes and can talk to people for hours. But he is also partly where I got my loner-ish qualities from. Think back to how he wants to be a martyr. He is large of girth and stuck in many of his ways. He likes to be funny, and he is the best person I know at putting words in people's mouths. He is known to quote people on things they've never said. But he means well.
He is flawed in a number of ways though. Certain members of my family are flawed in certain ways (what a universal statement: people are flawed). My brothers are bigots: they are racist against pretty much every race but their own (the white folks down south), they hate gay people, and they call themselves Christians. What a horrible combination. My mother is not too bad in the tolerance section of life, though I'm pretty sure she said that she would hate for one of her children to be gay. : / Poo. And finally, the man about whom this post is written.
My father is racist because two of his sons are racist and the other has given up on making his family politically correct. All the failed attempts condition a man to realize that some people are just not worth the effort. My father hates gay people and has said that he would either disown or kill his son if he had a gay one (I believe the latter threat was an exaggeration and a boast). He, too, is a Christian--a Methodist. Perhaps hypocrisy has trained me to hate the idea of Christianity as practiced by so many bigots and hypocrites.
My relationship with my father is one of ambivalence and secrecy. He is proud of me and yet disappointed--he would be almost hateful of me if only he knew about my sexuality. I love him and yet at once hate him--hate the ideals he stands for, the prejudices he holds, the fact that those prejudices can exist in a good man. I've cried because of the fact that he hates me for my existence, regardless of my qualities. It's irrational.
Of course, since I am not out of the closet and our relationship in that aspect IS one of secrecy, I cannot say for sure his actions. Perhaps he has lived in this need-to-be-PC world long enough to forgive me of my "inequities". Maybe his words are all just idle and subject to peer and familial pressure. I would like to think that he would still love me if he discovered I was gay. But I find that situation doubtful. If I was to tell my family, I honestly believe that I would not be allowed to live in this house anymore. And damn them, too, if that is how it would turn out. But it is quite possible that that would ruin much of my life--ruin what happiness there is left in it.
So, silence is golden. I will live my lie for a few more years and find solace in the fact that I am the martyr that my dad has taught me to be.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Thursday, July 21, 2011
Sunday, July 17, 2011
To Billy
Billy, Thank you for all your comments. Thanks to everyone for all your comments. I love getting comments. I do not know if you all look at my responses, but generally, they wrap up what I was trying to say. The last comment you made, Billy, caught my eye. You said that "life does get better".
And I just wanted to say in response to this that I understand that statement. I am sorry if my posts seem angry or depressed or whatever the hell you want to call it. You want happiness, go to a birthday party or the beach or some other such place of joy. I tend to be morbid and critical of my situation. I try not to be, but the point of this blog is for me to have a sort of vent. I can say just about whatever the hell I want to say on here. So it is my place to rant, to jive with the gremlins, and to let off steam.
Perhaps you all getting tired of this, my blog genre. I might make a post here in a bit where I dance in the rainbows of happiness. I'll try. But on to the madness.
We really live in a calm world. It's not truly mad. Just prone to chaos.
And I just wanted to say in response to this that I understand that statement. I am sorry if my posts seem angry or depressed or whatever the hell you want to call it. You want happiness, go to a birthday party or the beach or some other such place of joy. I tend to be morbid and critical of my situation. I try not to be, but the point of this blog is for me to have a sort of vent. I can say just about whatever the hell I want to say on here. So it is my place to rant, to jive with the gremlins, and to let off steam.
Perhaps you all getting tired of this, my blog genre. I might make a post here in a bit where I dance in the rainbows of happiness. I'll try. But on to the madness.
We really live in a calm world. It's not truly mad. Just prone to chaos.
Friday, July 15, 2011
I wrote this whilst SAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaddddddd at my summer camp
"June 25th, 2011
Hello,
I am writing this to see if I can write a suicide note. I am not it in my mind to commit suicide; I am too lazy to do that. But I still want to see if I can do it (write this, not commit suicide).
So first off, what makes my life so unbearable? Nothing specific, really. I guess that I just feel lonely too much. I've thought and thought and thought to oblivion about why I'm lonely, and I've come to a few conclusions.
I'm gay (or at least mostly gay), and being gay can be a difficult thing to live through. It is somewhat of a given that gay people are always striving to prove worth (that's what people do), and when this is the goal (and a hefty one at that), everyday is a lonely struggle to distinguish oneself, to prove that my existence is not an insult, not an abomination, not a disorder, not a fluke, but rather a simple thing. So many people seem to be judging me and finding me unworthy.
I'm intelligent, and I think and think and think, all the time, about how fucking retarded it is to always try to struggle. I see the events of the past, and I desire peace. I want wholeness. I want everybody to get along and feel happiness and rainbows and unicorns. I'm not a flamer; I'm a quiet, maybe shy introvert who is generally lazy and yet weary/wary of life with/without anxiety and worry.
When I try to write things like this, essays about feelings and all that crap, I have a strong desire about halfway through to just rip up the paper. I said up there somewhere thatI am an introvert. Well, I am also a loner. In so many social situations, I find myself wanting to just leave, escape from the nauseating small talk, the trivialities of "How are you?"s and the distance, the odd strangeness and unattached disjunction. I find myself seeing everything in a hypocritical light--though I myself am a hypocrite. Ironic, right? Well I guess I keep seeing irony too.
And I miss my friends. I have a friend named AC. We've been texting alot lately.
Currently I am separated from my friends at a summer school type-thing. The only somewhat good friend I have here is named Friend 1, and she is a red-head. It would be difficult to describe these friends in detail, but I'll include a quick reference chart.
I have another friend named Friend 2. He's hot, totally straight, and such a fun thing to loook at. What can I say? I'm smitten. Apparently, he gets "super gay" when drunk; I'm looking forward to testing that. But I don't just like him for his body; he's also got rather loner-ish tendenceies. And he sees the hypocrisy, too. He sees it and hates it. But he's fun, too. If only, if only, the woodpecker cried.
Now I'm down to two major ones. The first one is named BB; he's a Mormon. We've had many a theistic, meaning-of-life talk. He's such an artist, and his life's ambition is to become a legendary film-maker and reform Hollywood. He is the knower of much about me. (BTW, Friends 1 and 2 don't know about my gayness, but these others do).
And finally, we come to LadyLuck. In the 8th grade, I had a major crush on LadyLuck (it might have started in 7th grade). But either way, she was super cute, smart, and fun. All the things a boy would want. But whether by fate, our mutual shyness, her boyfriend, or some other factor, we never hooked up. And I think I'm glad we didn't. Because now, we are supposedly the best of friends. (It's odd; we don't seem to talk that much anymore.) She was the first person I told, and she must know a whole lot about me. Nobody knows everything, though. Anyway, we're pretty tight.
It's funny. Writing about my friends has vastly improved my mood, though I'm still somewhat in the mood to keep writing. But I have lost my gusto. So, I'll stop here for now. Oh right, I was going to speak to people, my family mostly, and muse about what your lives will be like without me. Okay, so next time. For now, I'm off to play Pokemon."
And I stopped there. I did not resume. But I felt like sharing. So... there it is. Here is the reference chart I said I would include.
Hello,
I am writing this to see if I can write a suicide note. I am not it in my mind to commit suicide; I am too lazy to do that. But I still want to see if I can do it (write this, not commit suicide).
So first off, what makes my life so unbearable? Nothing specific, really. I guess that I just feel lonely too much. I've thought and thought and thought to oblivion about why I'm lonely, and I've come to a few conclusions.
I'm gay (or at least mostly gay), and being gay can be a difficult thing to live through. It is somewhat of a given that gay people are always striving to prove worth (that's what people do), and when this is the goal (and a hefty one at that), everyday is a lonely struggle to distinguish oneself, to prove that my existence is not an insult, not an abomination, not a disorder, not a fluke, but rather a simple thing. So many people seem to be judging me and finding me unworthy.
I'm intelligent, and I think and think and think, all the time, about how fucking retarded it is to always try to struggle. I see the events of the past, and I desire peace. I want wholeness. I want everybody to get along and feel happiness and rainbows and unicorns. I'm not a flamer; I'm a quiet, maybe shy introvert who is generally lazy and yet weary/wary of life with/without anxiety and worry.
When I try to write things like this, essays about feelings and all that crap, I have a strong desire about halfway through to just rip up the paper. I said up there somewhere thatI am an introvert. Well, I am also a loner. In so many social situations, I find myself wanting to just leave, escape from the nauseating small talk, the trivialities of "How are you?"s and the distance, the odd strangeness and unattached disjunction. I find myself seeing everything in a hypocritical light--though I myself am a hypocrite. Ironic, right? Well I guess I keep seeing irony too.
And I miss my friends. I have a friend named AC. We've been texting alot lately.
Currently I am separated from my friends at a summer school type-thing. The only somewhat good friend I have here is named Friend 1, and she is a red-head. It would be difficult to describe these friends in detail, but I'll include a quick reference chart.
I have another friend named Friend 2. He's hot, totally straight, and such a fun thing to loook at. What can I say? I'm smitten. Apparently, he gets "super gay" when drunk; I'm looking forward to testing that. But I don't just like him for his body; he's also got rather loner-ish tendenceies. And he sees the hypocrisy, too. He sees it and hates it. But he's fun, too. If only, if only, the woodpecker cried.
Now I'm down to two major ones. The first one is named BB; he's a Mormon. We've had many a theistic, meaning-of-life talk. He's such an artist, and his life's ambition is to become a legendary film-maker and reform Hollywood. He is the knower of much about me. (BTW, Friends 1 and 2 don't know about my gayness, but these others do).
And finally, we come to LadyLuck. In the 8th grade, I had a major crush on LadyLuck (it might have started in 7th grade). But either way, she was super cute, smart, and fun. All the things a boy would want. But whether by fate, our mutual shyness, her boyfriend, or some other factor, we never hooked up. And I think I'm glad we didn't. Because now, we are supposedly the best of friends. (It's odd; we don't seem to talk that much anymore.) She was the first person I told, and she must know a whole lot about me. Nobody knows everything, though. Anyway, we're pretty tight.
It's funny. Writing about my friends has vastly improved my mood, though I'm still somewhat in the mood to keep writing. But I have lost my gusto. So, I'll stop here for now. Oh right, I was going to speak to people, my family mostly, and muse about what your lives will be like without me. Okay, so next time. For now, I'm off to play Pokemon."
And I stopped there. I did not resume. But I felt like sharing. So... there it is. Here is the reference chart I said I would include.
| BB - (male) Dreamer, boundary breaker, tester, Mormon | Lady Luck - (female) Super nice, somewhat absent, fun and cute | AC - (female) sarcastic, innocent, nice bamf |
| Friend 1 - (female) Blabbermouth, redhead, nice though a bit of a "leader", best when tired | Friend 2 - (male) Scientific, thinker, of the transvestite, frisbee-playing variety | Friend 3 - (female) Flowery, glomping English major |
| Friend 4 - (female) fiery, reader, "I won't take your shit", 1/2 redhead | Friend 5 - (male) follower of BB, ex-boyfriend of Friend 1 | Friend 6 - (female) Dances with Fire, You should be reading, kind, fun, NAZGUL |
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
I'm back!!
Sorry for leaving you guys with no warning. I realized too late that I had not said goodbye. I was stuck on a college campus for five weeks with only university computers to use--and apparently they monitor those. I didn't really want to risk it. But I'm back now!!
YAY!! Ok, so a lot has happened in the past 6 weeks. Just expositing it to you is a daunting task. But basically, I was at this camp-type-thing where we took a couple college classes in 5 weeks. And it rocked!!
I had a roommate who was my interest double. He was a LotR geek. He liked Naruto and Bleach. He even had the same gameboy (color, broken battery cover and all) and gameboy game I had. Twas freaky. The only two ways we majorly differed were our sexuality and our religion. Also, he was a slight bit more outgoing and social than I am. (friend 1) (I tried to sneak peaks of him in the shower in the morning. I saw him through the foggy shower door several times, but nothing much more than an outline of him. I was kind of disappointed.)
I had a few a good friends while there. Besides my roommate, there were these two girls--one a country-ish blonde, the other a brunette introvert. I think the blond one liked me a bit, but as always I played the role of heart-breaker. I think the brunette really liked me the first two weeks, but then her roommate and I had a bit of a fight--and we became less-close friends because her roommate was an overbearing, self-centered whore sometimes. (friends 2 and 3 and some of 7)
There was this tall guy who was rather fun to be around. He was interesting, really affectionate (he won "most huggable'), and yet not gay. Damn. There was this red-head that I met there, and she was really nice and acted cute. There was a Japanese girl who liked manga and could draw manga-style. I guess our group was full of folks who had random loves and so were somewhat of odd fits in many social groups. (friends 4,5, and 6)
And finally the overbearing, self-centered female from above. She goes to my high school, and we've been good friends for the past year or so. She's a nice girl. She's also a red-head. And she can be really loud. She goes through boys like Sherman through Georgia. And apparently, she is really easy to begrudge. I took her phone for like 20 minutes one night and started 5 conversations with some of OUR friends from before this camp (none of them cared). And she decided to ignore me for a week with the intent of no longer being friends. (She even unfriended me on facebook.) So I'm not on the best terms with her at the moment, but whatever, ya know. If she's that easy to offend, then I don't know if I want to be that good of friends with her. Oh, and the final member of our "group" of friends at the camp: her boyfriend. He was always embarrassed to be around us because we did some stupid things--like shout French and korean words in the university cafeteria to see if people would look (only a few people ever looked, surprisingly)--but he loved hanging out with us. (friends 7 and 8)
And those are the main friends that I made in the past 6 weeks. I'll exposit more later on. For now, I'm going to continue listening to Sufjan Stevens so that I don't feel lonely.
YAY!! Ok, so a lot has happened in the past 6 weeks. Just expositing it to you is a daunting task. But basically, I was at this camp-type-thing where we took a couple college classes in 5 weeks. And it rocked!!
I had a roommate who was my interest double. He was a LotR geek. He liked Naruto and Bleach. He even had the same gameboy (color, broken battery cover and all) and gameboy game I had. Twas freaky. The only two ways we majorly differed were our sexuality and our religion. Also, he was a slight bit more outgoing and social than I am. (friend 1) (I tried to sneak peaks of him in the shower in the morning. I saw him through the foggy shower door several times, but nothing much more than an outline of him. I was kind of disappointed.)
I had a few a good friends while there. Besides my roommate, there were these two girls--one a country-ish blonde, the other a brunette introvert. I think the blond one liked me a bit, but as always I played the role of heart-breaker. I think the brunette really liked me the first two weeks, but then her roommate and I had a bit of a fight--and we became less-close friends because her roommate was an overbearing, self-centered whore sometimes. (friends 2 and 3 and some of 7)
There was this tall guy who was rather fun to be around. He was interesting, really affectionate (he won "most huggable'), and yet not gay. Damn. There was this red-head that I met there, and she was really nice and acted cute. There was a Japanese girl who liked manga and could draw manga-style. I guess our group was full of folks who had random loves and so were somewhat of odd fits in many social groups. (friends 4,5, and 6)
And finally the overbearing, self-centered female from above. She goes to my high school, and we've been good friends for the past year or so. She's a nice girl. She's also a red-head. And she can be really loud. She goes through boys like Sherman through Georgia. And apparently, she is really easy to begrudge. I took her phone for like 20 minutes one night and started 5 conversations with some of OUR friends from before this camp (none of them cared). And she decided to ignore me for a week with the intent of no longer being friends. (She even unfriended me on facebook.) So I'm not on the best terms with her at the moment, but whatever, ya know. If she's that easy to offend, then I don't know if I want to be that good of friends with her. Oh, and the final member of our "group" of friends at the camp: her boyfriend. He was always embarrassed to be around us because we did some stupid things--like shout French and korean words in the university cafeteria to see if people would look (only a few people ever looked, surprisingly)--but he loved hanging out with us. (friends 7 and 8)
And those are the main friends that I made in the past 6 weeks. I'll exposit more later on. For now, I'm going to continue listening to Sufjan Stevens so that I don't feel lonely.
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