I wrote this whilst SAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaddddddd at my summer camp

"June 25th, 2011

Hello,

I am writing this to see if I can write a suicide note. I am not it in my mind to commit suicide; I am too lazy to do that. But I still want to see if I can do it (write this, not commit suicide).

So first off, what makes my life so unbearable? Nothing specific, really. I guess that I just feel lonely too much. I've thought and thought and thought to oblivion about why I'm lonely, and I've come to a few conclusions.

I'm gay (or at least mostly gay), and being gay can be a difficult thing to live through. It is somewhat of a given that gay people are always striving to prove worth (that's what people do), and when this is the goal (and a hefty one at that), everyday is a lonely struggle to distinguish oneself, to prove that my existence is not an insult, not an abomination, not a disorder, not a fluke, but rather a simple thing. So many people seem to be judging me and finding me unworthy.

I'm intelligent, and I think and think and think, all the time, about how fucking retarded it is to always try to struggle. I see the events of the past, and I desire peace. I want wholeness. I want everybody to get along and feel happiness and rainbows and unicorns. I'm not a flamer; I'm a quiet, maybe shy introvert who is generally lazy and yet weary/wary of life with/without anxiety and worry.

When I try to write things like this, essays about feelings and all that crap, I have a strong desire about halfway through to just rip up the paper. I said up there somewhere thatI am an introvert. Well, I am also a loner. In so many social situations, I find myself wanting to just leave, escape from the nauseating small talk, the trivialities of "How are you?"s and the distance, the odd strangeness and unattached disjunction. I find myself seeing everything in a hypocritical light--though I myself am a hypocrite. Ironic, right? Well I guess I keep seeing irony too.

And I miss my friends. I have a friend named AC.  We've been texting alot lately.

Currently I am separated from my friends at a summer school type-thing. The only somewhat good friend I have here is named Friend 1, and she is a red-head. It would be difficult to describe these friends in detail, but I'll include a quick reference chart.

I have another friend named Friend 2. He's hot, totally straight, and such a fun thing to loook at. What can I say? I'm smitten. Apparently, he gets "super gay" when drunk; I'm looking forward to testing that. But I don't just like him for his body; he's also got rather loner-ish tendenceies. And he sees the hypocrisy, too. He sees it and hates it. But he's fun, too. If only, if only, the woodpecker cried.

Now I'm down to two major ones. The first one is named BB; he's a Mormon. We've had many a theistic, meaning-of-life talk. He's such an artist, and his life's ambition is to become a legendary film-maker and reform Hollywood. He is the knower of much about me. (BTW, Friends 1 and 2 don't know about my gayness, but these others do).

And finally, we come to LadyLuck. In the 8th grade, I had a major crush on LadyLuck (it might have started in 7th grade). But either way, she was super cute, smart, and fun. All the things a boy would want. But whether by fate, our mutual shyness, her boyfriend, or some other factor, we never hooked up. And I think I'm glad we didn't. Because now, we are supposedly the best of friends. (It's odd; we don't seem to talk that much anymore.) She was the first person I told, and she must know a whole lot about me. Nobody knows everything, though. Anyway, we're pretty tight.

It's funny. Writing about my friends has vastly improved my mood, though I'm still somewhat in the mood to keep writing. But I have lost my gusto. So, I'll stop here for now. Oh right, I was going to speak to people, my family mostly, and muse about what your lives will be like without me. Okay, so next time. For now, I'm off to play Pokemon."

And I stopped there. I did not resume. But I felt like sharing. So... there it is. Here is the reference chart I said I would include.

BB - (male) Dreamer, boundary breaker, tester, Mormon	Lady Luck - (female) Super nice, somewhat absent, fun and cute	AC - (female) sarcastic, innocent, nice bamf
Friend 1 - (female) Blabbermouth, redhead, nice though a bit of a "leader", best when tired	Friend 2 - (male) Scientific, thinker, of the transvestite, frisbee-playing variety	Friend 3 - (female) Flowery, glomping English major
Friend 4 - (female) fiery, reader, "I won't take your shit", 1/2 redhead	Friend 5 - (male) follower of BB, ex-boyfriend of Friend 1	Friend 6 - (female) Dances with Fire, You should be reading, kind, fun, NAZGUL