Light Chasers - Cloud Cult

Christmas was kind to me.  I got some new clothes, notably jeans, shoes, and a light jacket or two.  Back when I got my laptop for college, there was a deal for an xbox 360 with the laptop.  So I got an xbox 360 with a couple new games and a small tv for my dorm.  I did not get a nice new razor like in past years, but I can go get my own razor, I suppose.  And finally, my aunt gave me The Silmarillion and The Shaping of Middle Earth by J.R.R. Tolkien.  So all in all, I racked up.  I have eaten approximately 5 Christmas dinners now (3 of which being leftovers rehashed).  And I am probably as spoilt as a lower-middle class pig can be.

I have not posted many Music posts recently, have I?  Well, prepare your ears and mind's anuses.  For I bring you tidings of great joy; I think Cloud Cult is now my favorite band.  I have reached a period of uncertainty.  A while back it was Rise Against, then Coldplay, then fun., then Bon Iver, then Damien Rice, then Manchester Orchestra, and now Cloud Cult.  With all of this change of favorite band in the past couple years, I cannot be certain of my true favorite band.  However, I am certain of where their best album ranks.  The album Light Chasers by Cloud Cult is definitely in my top three--if not first, second only to The Wall by Pink Floyd--in rankings as to my favorite album.  Here are the tracks:

The Mission - Unexplainable Stories
The Departure - Today We Give Ourselves to the Fire
The Invocation (p. 1) - You'll be Bright
The Birth
The Baby - You Were Born
The Lessons - Exploding People
The Interference
The Battles - Room Full of People in Your Head
The Escape - Running with the Wolves
The Acceptance - Responsible
The Surrender - Guessing Game
The Strength - Forces of the Unseen
The Invocation (p. 2) - Blessings
The Awakening - Dawn
The Contact
The Arrival - There's So Much Energy in Us

Of these, I think that either "The Mission", "The Invocation", or "The Battles" is my favorite.  Really, this entire album has incredible lyrics.  The sound itself seems pretty unique, typically rather showy and loud, but overall, very well put together.  I love the french horns; they add so much with their presence.  I'll admit that it took a few listens to get into the album, but once I got in, I was hooked.  It is the perfect blare in the car and sing as loud as possible album.  IMHO

Anyway, go have a listen.  Here is a link for you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yHGt5ZZeZU&playnext=1&list=PL9B962AC5A5DB58D7&feature=results_main
(Unfortunately, I do not think this is the full album, but it's a start.)

A Review: http://www.sputnikmusic.com/review/53880/Cloud-Cult-Light-Chasers/

Daddy Problems

A friend of mine said something interesting to me recently.  She said, "We all have daddy problems."  Of course, this applies much more to some than others, but in general, almost everybody has some problem with their father that fucks them up. 

Whether it be the absence of a father, some form of neglect, or just the idea that your father hindered you, we all have problems with our dads.  For me, it's a little different, but I do have "daddy problems".

I can't speak for most others, but maybe explaining my situation might help.  Honestly, I would consider my relationship with my father to be a good one.  There are some poisonous raptors in the closet, but that closet isn't used too often. 

I mean, we don't talk too much; so, maybe our decent relationship is a result of superficiality?  He always told me how proud he was of me.  Over this past summer, my brother drove home from a bar or something slightly tipsy and ran over a mailbox; the whole event caused a pretty decent riff in the family between my father and my brother.  One of the most recent times where my father said he was proud of me was after an argument between my father and brother concerning the accident/screw-up.  His reasoning was personified in this one image he had in his mind.  Basically, I used to do gymnastics but quit after a year's struggle with some fractures in my back.  Anyway, the image of me that made him proud was that before we knew there were fractures, I would  basically struggle through it.  After every vault or floor or hi bar practice/competition routine, I would bend over and try to stretch my back because, who woulda thought, it turned out to be broken.  (I'm fine now, btw)

My daddy problems do correspond around my sexuality and atheism, but as of yet, they are not problems.  They are future problems--or never problems, depending on which one comes first.

My father thinks I am close to the perfect son.  He and my grandfather have always favored me because I'm good at everything (but socializing).  I think they really like me because of my brains.  I don't know; it's a relationship.  It's complex. 

I think my relationship with my father is similar to my relationship to God.  I don't want him to exist the way he does, and if I so chose, I could end the relationship.  But there are times where I think of him, and I can't help but have these feelings.  Of happiness? Of contentment? Of love?


I guess when it all boils down, it's always me striving for approval and him seeking to give it.  I wonder when our dance will fall apart.

Last year or so, I had this general idea that I owed my father nothing because it was his JOB to raise me.  It was HIS burden.  But now, I think I had it completely wrong.  It was his burden; it was his JOB to raise me.  BUT, I did owe him something.  For every moment he gave to me.  For every favor he gave to me.  For every time that he said, "I'm proud of you" and genuinely meant it.  For every second he spent trying to raise me in the way he thought best.  I owe him everything and yet nothing.

I royally fucked up

This probably won't make sense to the casual observer unless he/she really makes an effort to study what I say.  And even then, it probably wouldn't be meaningful to them.  This post is mostly personal.
Just don't read it unless you want to be bored.

So, there's this girl from my hometown.  There are about 3 (4 if you count my mom) girls in my life that I really care for.  One of them has been slipping out of my life recently, and that does feel weird.  But I think (maybe I'm mistaken), but i think she has her own set of good friends that sort of take care of her as far as emotional needs go.  We were really close in middle school.

One of the other two, I have talked about before.  She's much more social than I am, and she definitely has many other friends that like her.  She actually went out to a gay bar recently (or is going soon) with a weird straight boy that she's becoming friends with.

This post does not concern these other two girls.  The girl I'm talking about, we were on the same soccer team when we were little.  She's the ONLY other player I remember from the team so so so many years ago.  We went to the same elementary school and middle school.  I have no elementary school memories of her besides soccer as like 5 year olds or 7 year olds or sth.  In middle school, I remember seeing her in the halls, but we never really talked or had classes together.  In high school though, we became close.  I don't know if it was "really close", but she was one of the most important people in my life.  If I had to place an absolute rank, she would be either THE second-most important person in my life or tied for second.  (The first is this boy that I've been friends with since 6th grade--more than 7 years now, and no one can really compare)

We both really like music.  Unfortunately, she has problems with rock music that I've been trying to soothe out of her, unsuccessfully.  She actually got me hooked on folk-type music.  Whenever I hung out with people, it was always either (1) her and this group of girls or (2) that guy friend I mentioned end of last paragraph.

We are both supremely awkward.  A lot of our interaction actually comes from just looking at each other.  I don't know.  I really like her face.  Like, she has awesome facial expressions.  Whereas I am always really calm, she gets really fiery when something gets at her.  Like, she won't take your shit.

When I left home for school this year, I didn't think I would get very lonely or homesick.  But one of the things I most DEFINITELY missed was seeing this girl.  Like, I felt heartbroken that I would hardly ever see her anymore.  When I walked to class, I would typically think about the people from back home.

After my first test, which I failed, I cried a little bit because the absence of my friends, all the new stuff, the fact that I no longer have my own room/share it with pretty much a stranger, and the F on the test just all descended on me.  I felt... AWFUL.  Miserable.  I was a failure.  I was worthless.  I was alone.  I just wanted to be home with the people I know.  What really prompted the tears was calling home and telling my mom that I had failed.  I barely kept it together until after the call because she kept saying she was proud of me, and that it was all so new.  It's shameful to tell you all this, but I feel like it relates some aspect of the story.

Anyway, the title of this post.  I have this facebook group that I created with my friends which we like to call a discussion group.  We try to be philosophical and intellectual and all that.  But the friend I've been talking about for this whole post posted a fox news article about some ridiculous gender war (honestly, it's fox news; their completely full of shit).  Somehow, it claimed that women were waging the war on women and that men were feeling the side-effects most.  It basically advocated women being normal wives.  It was miraculously written by a woman, too.

The females of the group all jumped on the ridiculousness of the post.  They were infuriated.  Being a dumbass, I tried to be sort of funny by trolling all over it.  Like, I just said anything I could to make them angry.  I pulled the whole, "I'm not allowed to have an opinion," card.  The girl I've been talking about said not to pull that card and said i could comment as much as i like as long as i didnt derail the conversation to make it about me.  And for some idiotic reason, I decided to do that.  Just comment after comment, I completely ignored the subject.  I thought it was kind of witty, but still REALLY mean.  so i tried to find an out of it and so chalked it all up to trolling.

The point of the story: the girl I've been talking about feels REALLY strongly about feminism--and I knew that beforehand--but I just steamrolled all over her post.  I don't even know why I did it.  Some possible excuses: I felt left-out, I wanted to be a total asshole by fucking with these people, I have a deep-seated fear/disdain for women, I have a subconscious superiority complex toward women.  I don't know.  I can claim no excuse.  I was just a total asshole.  I should have been sensitive to what they thought and felt strongly about.

Again, to the casual observer, this seems relatively small/unimportant.  But it amounts to a genuine betrayal that has already built a wall between us.  I just want to go snuggle up to this person and beg forgiveness.  I want to be the best of friends with her again.  There is this lump in my chest that says "you fucked up, man.  you just lost a friend (not in the "she's completely abandoned you" sense, but in the "we are no longer besties" sense)".  And it hurts.

I have to make it right, somehow.  I talked to her about it (after offering a light apology and then a mucho genuine one).  She said she thought we were okay.  But I still feel horrible about it.

I need to learn to not make these things about me.  I admire her courage and maturity at ultimately shrugging off such a (to her) heavy insult.  I go home sometime between the 12th and 15th, and I offered for her to go with me and my family to this awesome nativity pageant at the colloseum in my hometown.  I don't know yet if my family is actually going, but I'm excited because it really is a cool show, regardless of religion.

I hope you didn't read this novel only to find it was truly as boring as it at first seemed.  I don't think it characterizes how truly regretful I am at my immaturity.  I really need to stop attacking things that are so precious to me.  A couple weeks ago, I asked this girl if she would marry me (on the condition that we are both somehow single after college).  I at once hope that it happens and that it doesn't.  I want her to meet this great guy that can replace any and all vestiges of friendship that I might have offered simply so that I don't ruin any part of her life.  I don't know.  Life is hopeless.  Love is hopeful.  What are you going to do with it?

Uggghhhh, college

The break this past week was awesome.  However, I'm coming back to school to the welcome of two tough tests this week.  I'm just going to have to power through.  I think I'll be alright.  I doubt either test could really do TOO much damage (because I plan to be prepared for them), but it's still a hassle.  Anyway, hope you had a wonderful break as well (if you are American and enjoyed American Thanksgiving like an American... Yes, several of you didn't celebrate AMERICAN Thanksgiving and are probably super tired of hearing about it from your American friends.  But I love you foreigners; you're all so wise and reasonable.  Thanks for being there.)

I'm still here, and so confused.  But now I finally see how much I stand to lose.

Mah, country music, yeehaw.  Except not.  Because it's a sad, old, slow song.  meeeerrrrrrrrrrr.

I apologize for my spastic rambling.  I'm not usually like this.  I just feel stressed with these two tests.  Well, maybe I'm like this sometimes, but not most of the time.  So... moving along.

One of the tests is a math test on multivariable calculus.  I should feel super prepared for it because I've always been good at math, but I've been slightly challenged learning it all with my professor--who does an excellent job of presenting the material (sarcasm).

I wouldn't feel stressed about the Organic Chemistry test, except I failed the first test and pretty much am forcing myself to get a 100% on this test and the final.  So it's somewhat of a high standard that I set.  But I can do it!  I will do it!

Anyway, Imma go study.

I'm just trying to get through

Lately, I have done my best to be utterly solitary--by being myself and making love to the internet.  facebook, reddit, and the anime/manga scene have kept me company during this semester.  The few people I do see in my life ask my plans for the weekend, and I'm just like, I'm going to sleep.  But then, I never do sleep.  I get behind on schoolwork, and then cram the week of the test.  But I legitimately do nothing productive or worthwhile.

I do have a few things I've learned lately--mostly revolving around manga and anime.  First, I should tell you all what I have done over the past few months.  I have watched through at least three animes

• Cowboy Bebop
• Samurai Champloo
• Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann

All three of which are incredible.  I have read through a number of mangas.

• I caught back up on Bleach (I was about 100 chapters behind)
• I read all the way through Death Note (about 100 chapters total)
• I finished Bakuman (by the same author as Death Note, read through the last 150 chapters or so out of about 300)
• I started and finished hunterxhunter (340 chapters, on hiatus right now but may pick back up later)
• I got all the way through the 30 or so chapters of No. 6 (cute manga, main characters are two guys that act moderately gay for each other)
• I've stayed caught up on Naruto
• And I tried to restart reading One Piece.  However, I never could accumulate enough interest to read or watch more than one episode or chapter of One Piece
• Tonight, I was going to watch the Neon Genesis 1.0, but my computer was finecky and did not get past about 10 minutes of the 98 minute film
• (Not anime/manga related, but I also watched all three of the Batman movies and Wall-E.)

So, I've been busy doing anti-social nothings, lately.  I've been trying to meet interesting people, but there just aren't that many that are easy to like at first.  Of the people who are easy to like at first, they are concerned with other things.  Ramble ramble ramble introverted Idontlikepeople rant.

And finally, my roommate really likes girls, and he is a bit of an anime snob, which irks me.  Maybe it's just that he doesn't always like the same things I do.  Either way, I don't especially like living with him.  But that's because he smells.  Sometimes, REALLY REALLY bad; like, I have to open the window and flood the room with AC and Old Spice spray just to keep from vomiting.  He also has sleep patterns that can frustrate my own.  He will occasionally take naps during the day but then not sleep at night.  As a rather light sleeper, this saddens me.

Anyway, I don't really know what I'm doing.  This is all a side-effect of having (a) no purpose and (b) a crippling reliance on introversion.  And again, I don't say this for sympathy.  I don't say this for the idea of declaring a problem.  I'm just giving an update.  Some of you have expressed interest in me in the past.  So, my life is slow and easy except in that I'm at a tough college taking a couple slightly challenging classes while trying to adjust to not having friends thrust upon me.

Going to be 19 in a few days

Gosh, I feel so old.  LOL, what am I talking about?  I'll never be old.  ;P

I've had a few college shocks.  I failed my first test (57%, woohoo!), aced my first test in a different class (99%, yay!), and probably failed my first test in a third class (still don't know).  I have another test from the first class on Friday and I am studying my ass off to make up for that first failure.  Organic chemistry is tough stuff, man.

I'm definitely going to plan my next semester and the rest of my college classes so that a greater percentage of the grade is given to homework--if possible--and so that there is just a generally wider spread of the grade.

I could fail a test in high school, do well the rest of the year, and still make an A.  In college if you fail a test, you're destined for a B or more probably lower.  I may have a 3.0 GPA this year, but hopefully that won't be too bad.  Luckily there is a good policy here for retaking a class if you do TOO poorly.

I was sick for a week or two (the week of that first test), and let me tell you, IT SUCKS TO BE SICK IN COLLEGE!  Like, it's absolutely awful.  No one cares about you.  You cannot reschedule tests very well.  And skipping class is not conducive to a good grade.  You basically have to stick it out with little help.  I fell victim to a virus; fuck me, right?

(I'm not looking for sympathy; just giving an update)

I went to a concert on Friday with some high school friends who came over here for the weekend.  It was spectacular; like honestly, the best concert I've been to.  By the way, there should be more concerts.  Have ALL the concerts ALL the time. 

Anyway, just thought I'd give a boring little old update to tell you all that I'm doing fine and adjusting.  I'm probably not following nearly enough of you: leave a link to your blog in the comments and I'll come check you out.  HAVE A GREAT DAY, MINE FRIENDS!

This is Just SHAMEFUL

http://www.rawstory.com/rs/2012/09/30/judge-cites-bible-to-deny-name-change-to-transgender-woman/

I mean, if the woman was suspected of a crime, it might make sense--as long as you left out the Bible stuff.  But when you try to rule against it because "it goes against God's will", you are just a terrible human being.  Your opinions are bad, and you should feel bad.

Emotions and Happiness

I don't know if I believe this or not, but it is well-put and quite pause-worthy.

"One reason, I think a lot of good ideas go unspoken is because they don't always have an immediate impact or they're assumed as common knowledge. A lot of good information has slipped into obsecurity over the years because of this.

I think another possible reason is that the foundation for almost all marketing is to make us think, at some level, that what we're feeling about things right now isn't okay, and some product will make our lives better. They keep us off balance so we'll buy. This is advertising 101.

Since we're bombarded with messages like this, people get conditioned to think that's what life really is. To work at feeling good and to do whatever it takes to improve the shitty parts of their lives so they can, again, feel good. There's some truth in that, since we experience pain and pleasure for a reason, and they are useful emotions, but they're also very basic emotions. The net effect of these constant messages, I think, is that we become reduced to creatures who are basically just looking for the next high.

But we didn't always think that way. I don't think we did, anyhow. I don't know, actually, I just know that we can think beyond just pain or pleasure.

In any case, the fact is, encouraging deep personal satisfaction hurts the bottom line or, at the very least, it doesn't sell. And since most of the ideas we live by are filtered through a screen of marketers or have been filtered through that screen long ago, we just don't see ideas that don't sell as often. Its just not common knowledge anymore.

I mean, think about the people you know. The vast majority of them don't think critically enough about information to be able to pick out good ideas and discard bad ones. Lots of people were basically raised by the media, or at least they picked up their mores from the media somehow or another.

Mass marketing, in other words. Ideas that sell. They were raised by parents who were bombarded by mass marketed messages, too. It was more basic back then, but it was still an important influence. So, ideas, even important ones that came through their parents were influenced, to some extent, by manufactured messages that sell.

That's why there are a shitload of poor people voting for Romney. Its why people are chucking phones they bought a year ago to go buy the newest one. Its why the divorce rate is through the roof and rising. The messages people hear are intended to make them chase emotional highs. To sell. When the high wears off, its time to buy something new. Or buy into something new. You've got people who, their entire lives, have only heard that stuff or things or these really popular ideas or this or that will make them happy, will change their lives from the outside in. When they buy into products, they experience a thrill and momentary satisfaction that reinforces the belief that x = happiness, but it fades when its newness wears off, but since whatever it is made them feel good, and happiness is feeling good, all we need to do is got get more happiness. The products don't always have to cost money, either. Money isn't the only currency we possess. We've also got time and attention.

So they get their high, then after a while its back to feeling like shit and being unsatisfied and trying to figure out how to get that good feeling back. So they buy in again. They pick a side. They keep chasing feelings, running from bad ones, and the cycle repeats.

I think, the biggest problem with all of it isn't necessarily that people are chasing happiness, btw, its that they don't understand what happiness is not. It's that they're chasing an illusion of happiness strictly defined as a positive feeling. Or unhappiness strictly defined as a negative feeling.

Happiness isn't something the media or anyone else can define for you. It's up to you to figure out what happiness is for yourself. Your idea of happiness may differ from my idea of happiness, but you'll know it when you see it. But you can't do that if you're convinced that happiness is this or that or whatever, or that its at the end of some endless trail and you'll get there eventually if you follow the breadcrumb emotional highs along the way, and if you buy this product or that it'll help you get further along then your competitors who, incidentally, are racing you there? (da fuck?).

I can't tell you what happiness is. I can't tell you what it is for me, even, cause I'm still figuring it out. 

All I can tell you is that lately, I've been far more interested in pursuing balance than just about anything else, and its helped me gain a perspective I never had the luxury of seeing from. I feel more... myself.

The point is, though, that feelings are weather. Not end states or goal states or happiness or unhappiness. We don't get angry at the world for raining on us even though we might not like it. We might feel better if the sun is shining, but we don't hate it if its hidden behind some clouds or whatever. We don't abandon our lives just to find sunny places. Well, most of the time, anyway. Some people do. Most of us will just take trips every so often (and we should! Its fun!). But the point is, regardless, we live where we live, and the weather is just the weather. We adapt to it, and work with it, we don't stamp our feet at the clouds and yell at them to stop raining. We put on a raincoat. We don't shoot at the sun cause we got a sunburn. We wear sunblock. When it rains, we aren't cursing the planet because it rained, even if we might not be happy with it. We recognize it as a fact of life.

You live in your own world, and emotions are your personal weather. They're a fact of life. They come and go. When you see that, when you understand that, you stop trusting them to lead you to happiness, cause your feelings have no idea how to get you there.

TLDR:

Mass marketed memes have been passed down as prevailing wisdom with content tailored to teach us discontent, not personal contentment. Your emotions aren't you, they're all temporary, and they're all okay. You take the first step toward fulfilment when you realize happiness may not neccessarily be what you thought it was."

Meh

I'm so full of it.  I just skimmed through almost all of the previous posts.  There were a few decent moments.  A post called "Lost" had some good characteristics that still fit, but most of it was just... dumb.  Smh.  Funny how things change.

Anyway, I still don't have THAT many friends, but I have more than before.  It's whatever.  I had a major depression moment this weekend.  I straight up FAILED my first hour exam on top of being sick; thus, after calling my mom to tell her and receive her comfort, I cried for half a minute.  All of it was just catching up to me: the being sick, the failing at my ONE JOB, the being a dumb person, all of it.  I feel lots better, I'm meeting with my professor and advisor separately tomorrow, and I feel better--still not alright, but better.

Anyway, life is kind of awesome.  There is really no point in angsting all the time about it.  I mean, we get one life to live.  There's no redos, no do-overs, and rare forgiveness which always costs something.  Everything costs something, and if you are not satisfied with your finance history, change it in the future.  Think of what is and then think of WHAT COULD BE.

So, my precipice: meh.

I have no friends

I moved into college August 18 at Vanderbilt University.  And I have no friends.  Well, I can count about 7 acquaintances and one or two people who might be considered a friend.  So I guess I have a few friends.  But that's all.  I have been cut off from all of my other friends who went to UTK.

So umm... I really need some tips on making and keeping friends.  Like, I'm at a major dilemma.  I don't know how to make friends.  How do I entertain them?  I'm absolutely horrible at small talk and I have this problem where I am absolutely boring.  So...  How does a weird and quiet person make friends?

A Dark Soliloquy

I have no "you."  As of yet, I live alone, metaphorically speaking.  Sad eyes.  Empty.  Wanting escape and yet achievement. Speaking in short sentences.

I am going to kill you all someday.  I don't know when, or how, or where.  Heck, I don't know if I even have the balls, but I promise I will kill you.  In my mind, the subtleties of stance and stature become apparent.  I can no longer see myself as good or even "holy."  I am a learned man.  I know what I know, and it is right in the middle--far from everything, far from nothing.  Sometimes I am dumb, sometimes smarter than I know, but I am always saying "I" and thinking.  I am the gubernator of my own ship even though I sometimes choose passiveness as the ruling power.

Three years ago, I believed in God.  Ten years ago, I believed in Santa Claus.  Now I believe in nothing--but man and everything he encompasses.  I see power but I only wonder about it.  I have developed patience and lost my major goals.  I see no ultimate purpose and I still say "I" every other word.  It's all about me, right? Yes, solipsism is the truth: We are all just in a matrix-like ether in my mind.  I am actually God--the perfect egg.  But do I incubate?  Or am I just a finite entity in the death stage?

I don't care.  I just want to fuck.  With my mate.  My non-existent mate.  I want to be lost in another, so helplessly underwater that I may as well be a fish.  I want to curl up and hibernate: I need to hide and rest.  I am tired of these human thoughts.  I want to be above, but I seem to be trapped in "I."  Because altruism is inherently better than egocentrism?  Ok, so selfishness is necessary, and self is necessary, as is will.  Altruism?  Overrated.

Out of the darkness shall rise a great and powerful patience--one with no equal but the infinity of death.  He shall come, proclaiming the end and desiring the rainbow-ification of the world.  When worst comes to worst, who will prevail?

Life is about initiative and standards: since there is no inherent goal, there is no automatic failure.  If there is no inherent goal or failure, then success is utterly arbitrary.  the Endgame is whatever the hell you want it to be.  Don't let me dictate your dreams.  Do whatever the fuck you want.  It's your life: do with it what you will.

Brothers

Naaaaaaaaaaantz ingonyama bagithi baba
Sithi uhm ingonyama

Naaaaaaaaaantz ingonyama bagithi baba
Sithi uhhmm ingonyama
Ingonyama

Siyo Nqoba
Ingonyama

Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala

This is what I'll be waking up to each morning for the next semester.  That's right, I put THE CIRCLE OF LIFE on my phone as my alarm for the morning.

I made a post a while back about how I was going to be getting a vehicle and new phone.  Well, I didn't get the phone for Christmas.  Actually, it took about 4 months to actually get the phone because my father was dragging his feet even though he promised the phone as a Christmas present.  Which, beggars can't be choosers, nor should I look a gift horse in the mouth.  But still, he promised. -_-  And the car is basically mine, an old-ish van that we call Charlotte.  BY FAR not the coolest ride, but still, it goes from place to place.  These first two paragraphs had nothing to do with the post, I just felt like sharing.

The reason I am posting tonight is because my older brother stopped by the house for dinner tonight, and he legitimately spent an hour or so saying that he couldn't decide whether or not to try for a big Atlanta internship or to take a sure spot in a local internship.  Can't he make up his mind?

Anyway, ever since he left home, my relationship with my brother has been... minimal, I guess?  We hardly talk anymore unless we want something from the other (which is more him, most of the time) or we are simultaneously picking on our younger brother.  I was the sensitive child; I didn't like to watch American football or basketball, I did gymnastics, and I was picked on.  Basically the word that sums up my young life in regard to my brother is TORTURE though more of a Chinese water torture kind of thing than tie up and whip.  Just everyday he would hit me or mess with me or something which was apparently his way of showing affection.  I didn't like it because it didn't feel all that good to be hit or messed with all the time.  Several times, he would make me lose my temper and it sucked.  At one point, we were at the beach, and I told him that I wished him dead.  That is one of those moments that I now regret.  However, I am getting past it by slowly siphoning myself off from my family.  When college comes in a month, I'm going to cut the cord as much as possible.

How much would you expect to be like your siblings?  How similar does your upbringing make you to them?  For me, there is a major difference between myself and my older brother though both of my brothers are also somewhat more quiet than the average person, with my older brother being the loudest and me being the quietest.  I don't know whether to like, dislike, or feel apathetic toward my brothers.  They are both conservatives, whereas I am a liberal (really, I don't like the political system at all and would rather see something other than partisan politics, but I identify more with the left than the right).  They both are religious, whereas I am not.  They both hate gay people, whereas I love them.  They both support the NRA and war, whereas I think diplomacy is cheaper and kinder (though I really can't say that I value life).  I actually became somewhat psychotic for a day after reading Fight Club.  Darn just broke two rules.  Oh well

Anyway, I just want distance now.  I need to get away.

Naruto

You guys, go read Naruto.  Like, for real.  GO READ NARUTO.  It is incredibly good.  Don't believe me? Go read it.  Here's a link to the very first chapter: http://www.mangastream.to/naruto-chapter-1-page-1.html (read RIGHT TO LEFT)

The plot focuses on this ninja named Naruto--who is a boss.  Don't believe me? Go read it.  It is a typical shounen manga in that it's about a young-ish boy who has to beat all the odds against him.  This one really focuses on the proving oneself part, though.  As well as friends.  Like, you need good friends.  Go read it, and tell your friends about its awesomeness.

As a LGBTQ youth, it helped me through a lot.  At one point, I remember saying that it was the one thing that gave me hope to continue on.  It's actually one of the reasons I still continue on.  If the mangaka behind Naruto--Masashi Kishimoto--died, I would also die.  We are intertwined.



At the beginning, it is a bit slow because the main character IS moderately innocent and ignorant.  But the first chapter itself is powerful. Like, it gives me chills to reread it.  It is legitimately THE BEST manga out there.  Nothing compares.

I honestly can't wait for every Wednesday update and it kills me if Kishimoto-san takes a week off.  I have been reading/watching (I started out watching the anime) Naruto since 6th grade (2005/2006), and it is one of the best things in my life.

Saying that, I am not a very extensive manga reader.  The only manga I have read completely (partly because many manga comics are ongoing things.  Like, this one called Detective Conan--interesting mystery comic--has over 900 chapters and is still going) is called M.A.R. and it was also rather good but still not as good as Naruto.

Anyway, if you are an active Naruto reader, I would love to be a co-fan with you.  If you have not tried Naruto before, try it.  If you have tried Naruto before but dropped it for a while, I implore you to take it back up.  It's super legit.  Get to the current chapter and then we can talk about whether or not it is good.  (btw, japanese names put the surname first; so where Westerners call Naruto "Naruto Uzumaki," the Japanese call Naruto "Uzumaki Naruto")



GOSH NARUTO AND SASUKE AND KAKASHI AND ITACHI AND TSUNADE AND NARUTO AND SASUKE AND ITACHI AND ROCK LEE.  OMFG GO READ IT!!

These worthless days

I have been doing nothing lately.  Like, really, I don't do anything: it's summer.  And because of this nothingness, I decided it would be interesting to update you people on this fact.  Ummm, yeah, so nothing.

The entire rest of this post is about being in the closet--which I have spoken on previously.

My gay friend--the one that I'm real friends with--she has apparently been ousted.  Most of her friends know. Her Mom--whom she told--knows.  The only people that don't know are her sister, her "work friends", and her father who is always out of town and whom she jokingly said she would never tell.

With her new-found out-ness, she and one of my other friends offered to bring me out as well.  And like the little pussy I am, I skirted the issue and allowed them to figure it out for themselves.  They decided it would not be a good idea because my family could catch wind of it, and then hate me forever.  ...  That is what I have to say to this.  DOT DOT DOT.  Whatever I am to make of this, I can't think of a good response because I tried to swear off angst.  But I'll give my interpretation:  I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to be out.  But at the same time, I can't help but feel that it is not what I need at this point.

As I have explained previously, my family is anti-gay, and if nothing else, there would be some SERIOUS drama.  So, the way I see my options: 1) keep as quiet as possible and thus play the presumably safest route (assuming that this closeted state does not produce excess despair) or 2) allow my friends and acquaintances to out me (because doing it myself is much too much effort unless I want to do it via facebook) and deal with the consequences.

Now, the worst outcome of option 1 is that I might feel miserable at times and may miss opportunities (which is something that I would have to deal with on my own and not whine about).  The worst outcome of option 2 is that my parents get word and kick me out; this could jeopardize my opportunities for college because I have no money on my own and do not wish to go into debt for student loans or other loans.  From a non-internal viewpoint, option 1 is far superior (strategically speaking).  From a movement viewpoint and an honor viewpoint, option 2 is far superior.

So, the dilemma: do I want to gain an education on my parents money and then drop the ball on them?  Or do I want to go into debt in order to get a college education so that I can feel proud of myself for not disappointing the gay community?

Yes, there are lots of paragraphs up there, and yes, they make me seem like a little pussy cat.  But at this point, I really don't know.  I mean, I feel this biological "love" tie to my family.  They genuinely care about "me", but since they do not know the real me, I cannot know the extent of that care.  Does their son/brother outweigh their religious and southern convictions that gays are immoral scourges on the otherwise upright American-ness of their country and family?  I should hope so.  But I seriously doubt it.  

Also, in addition to the ball that I'm going to have to drop on them about being gay, I am also going to have to drop the atheist and Democrat ball on my otherwise Methodist and Republican family.  At this point, I think I'm just going to clean my conscious--ALL AT THE SAME TIME. And say fuck the consequences when it comes to that (which will not be until I am at least a little bit of a ways into college).

I know that many of you think I am overthinking this.  And I am.  But I am not wrong.  As far as I know.  Trust me, I'm a better judge of my family than you are.  Really, I would love to post to facebook that I am a flaming homosexual and therefore not have to deal with telling all those people.  BUT. But. but. ... And thus: these worthless days.

Curs in the Weeds

Lover of things,
won't you agree
how the winter could bring
the darkest spring?


With hell on your face,
dirt on the walls
in the back of the place,
you grew and complained.


Father of three,
won't you believe,
that the ones in between,
the ones that are blamed.


Of fickle faith,
cynics that seethe,
how their children are cursed,
cursed to believe.


It's like marrow without bone.
To live in a house with no home.
Where the son is the darkest seed.
He crawls with the curs in the weeds.


Where had you been son?
Not in the street, not in the yard.


Only once, I'll call off the dogs, if you call off your guard.


Where had you gone?
Where had you been?

 I'm such an attention whore... ;P

In the MIDDLE of Graduation

I'm curious.  Does anyone besides Billy and Steve actually read this more than once?  If so, please comment; I promise I won't think you're a creeper.

On to the actual note of the day:  I am a high school graduate.  I have my diploma and everything.  I no longer have to step foot into those school halls ever again.  I'm free.

It's rather boring, actually.  I liked some of the people there.  About 50-100 of them, actually (out of about 1800-2500; I don't know the actual number of students and faculty).  A week ago I said that I would do high school over if I had the opportunity.  Now, a week later, I have changed my mind.  I'm just glad I don't have to do it again.  I feel a little bit guilty about this next statement, but I'll make it anyway.  I don't think that school--including the people in it--had THAT much to offer me.  And since I'm a major introvert, I did not offer the majority of the things I had to offer them.

Btw, Imma tell you my demographics.  My family (5 people) doesn't make THAT much money (80-85K per year); we're considered "lower-middle class".  We are considered WASPs unfortunately.  We have a very moderate number of family friends (neighborhood people and church people), and our family is not that huge either (3 families on my dad's side (9 total counting children and funny uncles and family-by-marriages), and 2 families on my mom's side (10 total counting children and my last grandfather)).  My family ranks about like this in order of intelligence: Me, Mom, brothers (not sure which is smarter, prolly older), Dad.  We live in a neighborhood of about 30 houses where we have to drive 15 or 30 minutes to get to most of the places we normally go.  Knoxville is one of the best places in Tennessee as far as I know.  We aren't that hickish and apparently we are one of the most LGBTQ friendly places around, but I'm not so sure about that.  My high school was a public school with less diversity than a number of other places--though we still had some diversity.  My life has been very... Middle.  I'm rather well-rounded.  I never received any grade below a 97% in my high school classes--and I took THE hardest classes (though "hard" in a public Tennessee high school is not THAT outstanding).  I got the Senior English award because the Senior English teacher loves me and they had to spread out the senior awards to many people, but my true strength lies in Math (and science though to a more moderate extent) run-on sentence ftw.  I'm pretty excellent at sports--specifically soccer and previously gymnastics (I've never really tried baseball because it seems super boring but if I practiced a little, I could be good too).  I'm just well-coordinated.  I can be social when I need to be--I'm just really quiet because I have little to say.  So in terms of mental strength, I excel.  In terms of physical ability, I excel.  And in terms of friends, I do alright.  I have yet to have a relationship (and I could blame that on any number of things, but I think that I just generally dislike most of the people I know who actually fit my gender and sexuality preferences).  My grandparents were the first ones in our family (I think) to have gotten high school diplomas.  My parents and their siblings were the first in their families to get their college degrees (mostly bachelor's degrees, though I think my Mom has a master's and my crazy Uncle got a medical degree before totally shutting down and living on money from somewhere--I'm pretty sure it was his from a long time ago). And I will be the first person in our family to be an engineer.  MAJOR LONG PARAGRAPH NO BREAKS 4 U.

And again, graduated. YUS. <--mix between Japanese "yosh" and English "yes"

REBELLION

Sometimes I think that my entire goal in life is to rebel and distance myself from things.  That's why I consider myself a hipster--and not a mainstream hipster (my ace in the hole is either japanese music from Naruto, Charge of the Light Brigade by The Three D's, or Voltaire; very few people can top that).  That's why I fear relationships.  That's why I'm gay?

Those who know do not talk.
Those who talk do not know.

Stop talking,
meditate in silence,
blunt your sharpness,
release your worries,
harmonize your inner light,
and become one with the dust. 
--From Tao Te Ching, Chapter 56 

No.  I'm legitimately gay, or at least bisexual.  I REALLY want a boyfriend, not a girlfriend.  I pity girls because they don't have penises (I actually wondered earlier what life would be like if EVERYONE had a penis--surely we would have tons more wars).

"People live their lives bound by what they accept as correct and true. That's how they define "reality". But what does it mean to be "correct" or "true"? Merely vague concepts ... their "reality" may all be a mirage. Can we consider them to simply be living in their own world, shaped by their beliefs?" -Itachi 

I live in a conservative family in Knoxville, Tennessee.  My family is Methodist, and everyone but my mother is a Republican (my mother is only a Democrat because she wants more money allocated to the field of education).  I am an atheist.  I am gay/bi (there's a somewhat thin line, and I decided that I like boys a substantial bit more than girls... so... gay).

John Proctor: God in Heaven, what is John Proctor, what is John Proctor?

John Proctor: Because it is my name! Because I cannot have another in my life! Because I lie and sign myself to lies! Because I am not worth the dust on the feet of them that hang! How may I live without my name? I have given you my soul; leave me my name!

John Proctor (his eyes full of tears): I can. And there's your first marvel, that I can. You have made your magic now, for now I do think I see some shred of goodness in John Proctor... (Elizabeth, in a burst of terror, rushes to him and weeps against his hand.) Give them no tear! Tears pleasure them! Show honor now, show a stony heart and sink them with it! -The Crucible

In my closeted state, I have stood by as my brothers and father boast of their hatred for gays.  I have stood by as my mother said she would hate for one of her children to be gay.  I have lied when asked about my sexuality upon not wanting to go to prom (so that I could get drunk with some of my favorite bitches, booya-peggyhill).

The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.-Albert Camus  

So this life goal of rebellion.  It is a quiet kind of thing.  It's not like I just yell out anarchy all the time.  I sometimes hold myself as separate from the flow of society and see that society needs rules, though I only follow them to avoid trouble.  In this rebellion, my skirmishes, conquests, and defeats are private: only I can see the bloodshed.  Egotistical, yes.  But it still makes for one damn fine dramedy--lots of irony.

You pursue the negative. You want to not give a damn, to exist without responsibility, without faith or friends or warmth.- In Cold Blood

I feel like when I am older and have lived this life to its end I will be able to look back and tell people that I made a lot of mistakes, and that is what made my life perfect.

I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith. -The Bible, 2 Timothy 4:7

Not God's fight, my own fight.  I have stood up to and withstood the face of evil on this planet: close-mindedness could not take me down.  I rebelled against it.

Boxes

Finishing high school and moving onto college is a complicated process.  So many missed opportunities because of my shyness and mistakes because of drama, pride, and carelessness.  I would definitely do it over again.

Sometimes I think of how life is, and I do not like what I think of.  But that's only sometimes.  The vast majority of the time, I'm just moving along.  The majority of the other time though (when I'm actually thinking for myself), I think that life is beautiful.

I still stand by my idea that I want to be an observer. I am afraid of love; I've realized it.  I'm afraid of boxes.  I'm afraid of anything that does not include me.  I am obsessed with the easy; I might have convinced myself that the ultimate goal of life is leisure (the word "leisure" is said with a soft e, not a hard e.  Like in "let", not "leaf").  I laugh often; mostly I am laughing AT something.  It just seems ridiculous.

I would like to think of myself as this super deep individual who can delve into his own mind and into silence.  I like to think of myself as a loner: I don't want your help.  I want to build and then only show you the result when it is either finished or magnificent.  I do not want you to see the work in progress; I am afraid you will condemn me.  I cannot be condemned until I have the finished product.  

There is this wonderful post on Hyperbole and A Half where the author expresses her bout with depression.  I feel like that is the sum total of my life so far: I have gone through some "terrible" experiences and come out the other side with this distinct outlook on life.  I am invincible because nothing can bring me that low again.  I always have knowledge: I can maintain my inner self no matter what you do to my outer body (theoretically).

I don't even know what I am doing here.  I feel rejected and loathsome.  I have embraced my role as the person who honestly dislikes the status of society but seeks its acceptance at the same time.  I just want to have food and drink and a place to chill and feel quiet.  I honestly dislike speaking to people.  I think it is super-frivolous, and I can only handle it for a little while.  

I have this issue, you see?  It's a confidence issue.  If people reject me, I feel ridiculously low and awful: it's the human condition.  So I have taught myself.  I would rather leave and go off on my own than try to fit into some small role.  I just don't belong here.  And the only reason that is true is that I don't WANT to belong here.  Don't put me in your little box.

College Update

I was wait-listed at Vandy and Duke and denied at Stanford (my 3 dream schools).  I guess that's what I get for being third in my class rather than first.  But oh well.  UT is easy; I'll go there.  Now I just have to decide if I want to take on the Honors College.  I've already been accepted to it; I just have to decide if I want to do it.

Pros: $1000 added to a scholarship + the prestige of graduating from the honors college

Cons: Loads of extra work (which I definitely do not want)

Other: Honors housing

I will stay with a lot of my friends; so it won't be too bad.  I just had this delusion that I could leave this place. But whatever. I'll leave eventually.  Anyway thought I would update you all.

Lent Resolution

So the 40 days of Lent started on Ash Wednesday two weeks ago for you Christians in the audience.  This year for Lent, I decided to make a pretty hefty resolution.  I have decided that I am going to only eat on Sundays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays until Easter.  It's somewhat tough to be in hunger, but it certainly makes you think about other lifestyles.  I mean, I will be fine health-wise because I get a sufficient amount of energy, but many people--those in the poorest parts of Africa, India, China, and South/Middle America--don't necessarily have that LUXURY.  Honestly, America is fat, and although I'm not hugely overweight, I would be most happy to transfer my fat to someone in need.  If only we could attach a First World person's nutrition to that of a Third World person so we could all share.  Life would be so much better for everyone.  The people who would necessarily buy more food would stimulate the culinary economy.  People wouldn't have to vote for Scumbag Santorum because they would be proud of themselves and feel that if they can do something to end world hunger then they can do something for the second class citizens in their own country and become more liberal and open in their views.  God would actually be so pleased with us that he would come down to work a miracle by reducing the cost of college, ending religious war, and appreciating the yuan.  GOD.  Sometimes I love this place, and sometimes I hate it.

If you are too lazy to read that up there, I will summarize:  I'm not eating every other day (disregarding Sundays), and I want a liberal country to live in.

The Gay Rights Movement

Saw this on facebook.  Thought you ought to see:

Box-Cutter To Bowie

I am definitely an introvert.

About a year ago(?), I decided that I wanted to see if I could cut my own skin and withstand the pain.  I just wanted to see if I could do it.  So, I did it.  I locked the door to the bathroom, and started hacking at my thigh.  I was very clean about it and all that.  Afterward, I took a shower and watched the slight tinge of pink come out of my cat-scratches.  I didn't know that I was supposed to use a better knife than a box cutter...

Well, now, when I cut (I time it based on when the last cuts seem to have almost fully healed), I use a bowie knife that my dad has on a shelf in his office.  It is much easier to cut with and it does not hurt nearly as much.  With the box cutter, i would have to cut several times in the same place to make much of any headway.  And it stung A LOT and it was just not fun.  But with the bowie, one good slice does the same thing as about 4 or 5 harder slices of the box-cutter (also helps that it is longer than a razor blade).

I did not cut because I wanted to alleviate the pain of loneliness.  *FAINTS DRAMATICALLY*

No, I tried this
A) to prove that I was mentally strong enough to face pain and fight against it and
B) to give myself some scars that very few people will ever see.

I'm not suicidal, nor am I addicted.  I just think it gives me something DIFFERENT to do.  When I was in middle school, I always wanted to be the EMO kid, but I never had the guts to actually do it.  So I wore nondescript clothes, spoke scarcely, and focused on learning and grades.  I suffered quietly and personally.  I think I'm a Buddhist, you guys.

I still perform this ritualistic cutting session relatively often (keyword relatively, meaning not often).  Sometimes i just want to see what happens when I start to tear the world apart (Donnie Darko/The Destructors/Rise Against reference).  I stand by what i said a LONG time ago, "I want to see the end."

You Can't Handle the Penguin!

So I've talked before about how I love manga/anime (manga is superior).  Well, I have recruited one of my friends.  She is a BAMF and she is reading Naruto.  She's on like chapter 60 or so, and she said it was amazing so far.  And it is.  So, uh, go read Naruto.

Anyway, as a person of gender, it seems that gender is SOMEWHAT important in determining one's course of life.  I often wonder what it would be like to have been born a girl--would certainly be a bit easier in some faculties, but then much more difficult in others.  For instance, I WOULD NOT have to worry about feeling like a girl, but I WOULD have to worry about how much I eat.  Ahh, the conundrums of life.

So what got me started on this thought, you ask?  Well listen close, and I'll tell you.  I am the middle of three boys that my parents created.  Apparently, none of the three of us were quite what the rents ordered: they always wanted a little girl.  A while back my older brother remarked on the somewhat odd names that we were born into: he said that I got the shaft.  A boy with a girl's name?  Who would do such a thing to their child whom they love?  Well, my parents did it (practically unwittingly, since "Madison" was not a popular girl's name 18 years ago).

Anyway, I do not feel like a girl in a boy's body.  I feel like a boy in a boy's body (or should I say man now?).  I simply wonder what it would be like to be a girl.  Introversion would be easier.  When people see a quiet male, they generally think he is weird, but when they see a quiet female, they just think of her as shy or a book-worm, not some outcast whom nobody likes.  Oh gender roles, FOR SHAME!

So I don't quite know where I was going with this.  I guess just wandering through some thoughts.  It's an interesting idea to delve in dreams, but as the Great ALBUS said, "It does not do to dwell on dreams, Harry, and forget to live."  I'm off into the world (of Naruto).  What about you?

Friends

A while back I talked about a friend of mine who has been in all of my classes for the past year or so.  Today, I am going to expound on that.  Well, probably 2 or 3 months back, I asked him straight up if he had any sort of interest in being casual sex friends.  He said no (duh) because he's straight and slightly homophobic, though he has no problem with gay people.  I had gotten my hopes up because he is generally so very friendly and was somewhat touchy-feely.  So, that happened 2 or 3 months ago (I think, I don't remember too well).

Since then, he has gotten a girlfriend whom he really likes and they are almost over the stage where they prefer each other's company more than the company of other people.  So, I get my friend back.

Complications arise, though!  When he said no, my hopes were still up; I thought he might think about it and change his mind a little bit.  I mean, I didn't place all of my hope in this desperation, but I still considered it "possible".  So, when I quickly realized that it was NOT possible, I felt bad...  Like, the lonely, dejected, you-will-never-be-loved kind of bad.  And it took a little bit of time to get over it.  But I'm good now.

However, I know that it left an impression on him.  If we touch accidentally nowadays (our last names are close together so we sit next to each other for that reason as well as because we are friends), he has a mini-panic attack.  Like my touch is somehow purposeful and meant for nefarious purposes.  And I know that that little hint of mistrust is my own fault, but it's still annoying.  So, our relationship is slightly strained.  But we're still good friends.

Recently, I went to a movie with a boy I knew to be gay.  I didn't use the situation for anything but seeing a movie (no confessions, no flirting, no nothing).  BUT! I went to a movie with a gay guy.  So there, world.

I have also encountered a situation that is forcing me a little bit out of my comfort zone.  The guy that this post was primarily about?  His boss is gay, and we went boating during the summer.  Somehow, he figured out that I was gay because of two innocent lake days.  Like, I was shocked at his powers of deduction.  I mean, I don't look or seem gay at all.  So... he's a smart cookie.  But anyway, he has a nephew-type-godson who is also gay.  And he's visibly gay.  Like, he wears girl shirts, acts rather flamboyant, and has "interested in men" on his facebook.  (Not that I'm judging or anything; that's just the way he is)

But this girl-shirt-wearing boy started talking to me at the behest of the gay boss.  And now, the gay boss wants to have coffee with me so he can talk to me about me being gay.  And it's all very ambiguous, but it's a bit intimidating because I have met this man a total of three times.  I'm a cautious person.  So this is putting a strain on me.  I know, #firstworldproblems.  But in a post-materialist country, it seems logical to think post materialistically.

Anyway, vent-rant complete.  I'll try to keep you posted.  (Also, I know I'm not supposed to say anything, but I have begun reading Fight Club)  That is all.

Pizza, Christmas, College, and Naruto

Haven't posted in forever.  Should I fill you with mindless droll topics?  Yes, yeas i should.  Ok, so, yesterday (MLK, Jr. Day), 4 friends and myself had a pizza eating contest.  I am proud to say that I won with 26 slices (well, 2 of us tied for first, but it still counts).  Total, the five of us ate over 100 slices of pieces.  So, you're thinking I am super fat--as are my friends.  Well, I'm only 160 or 170 pounds, so not that fat... and I probably weigh the most of the five of us.  So how did we eat over 20 pieces of pizza each?  The world may never know.

Christmas was good, as was New Years.  I now am in possession of a vehicle of my own, finally.  And my family hopes to upgrade to smart phones soon (I've had the same flip-camera phone for at least 5 years now).  So, materially, things are looking pretty good for me.  I finished all of my college applications and plan to move on to financial aid applications soon.  I pulled out the big guns in applying to Stanford.  One of the essays was: "What matters to you and why?"  So I wrote about how fairness and equality are top on my priorities-list and the way that being gay has influenced that.

I've been pretty stagnant in the coming-out phase, though I did go to a movie with another boy whom I know to be gay.  I didn't tell him anything about me, but I'm working on stepping out some.

Recently, I have fallen back in love with Naruto because it has gotten really interesting considering the ninja-world-war going on and the impending epic showdown of naruto v. sasuke.  If you want to start reading Naruto, I highly recommend it.  Here is a link to mangareader's naruto archives: http://www.mangareader.net/93-1-1/naruto/chapter-1.html
But I warn you, you are 569 manga chapters behind.  If you read constantly, you might finish in 2 to 3 days.  So get cracking.  It really is a good manga--quite emotional for me.

Anyway, that's about all of the important stuff I can think of.  Have a good day.  Remind me to post about the friend from a while back that had started copying some of my mannerisms.  He's in the back of my mind, and I need to vent, somewhat.