I royally fucked up

This probably won't make sense to the casual observer unless he/she really makes an effort to study what I say.  And even then, it probably wouldn't be meaningful to them.  This post is mostly personal.
Just don't read it unless you want to be bored.

So, there's this girl from my hometown.  There are about 3 (4 if you count my mom) girls in my life that I really care for.  One of them has been slipping out of my life recently, and that does feel weird.  But I think (maybe I'm mistaken), but i think she has her own set of good friends that sort of take care of her as far as emotional needs go.  We were really close in middle school.

One of the other two, I have talked about before.  She's much more social than I am, and she definitely has many other friends that like her.  She actually went out to a gay bar recently (or is going soon) with a weird straight boy that she's becoming friends with.

This post does not concern these other two girls.  The girl I'm talking about, we were on the same soccer team when we were little.  She's the ONLY other player I remember from the team so so so many years ago.  We went to the same elementary school and middle school.  I have no elementary school memories of her besides soccer as like 5 year olds or 7 year olds or sth.  In middle school, I remember seeing her in the halls, but we never really talked or had classes together.  In high school though, we became close.  I don't know if it was "really close", but she was one of the most important people in my life.  If I had to place an absolute rank, she would be either THE second-most important person in my life or tied for second.  (The first is this boy that I've been friends with since 6th grade--more than 7 years now, and no one can really compare)

We both really like music.  Unfortunately, she has problems with rock music that I've been trying to soothe out of her, unsuccessfully.  She actually got me hooked on folk-type music.  Whenever I hung out with people, it was always either (1) her and this group of girls or (2) that guy friend I mentioned end of last paragraph.

We are both supremely awkward.  A lot of our interaction actually comes from just looking at each other.  I don't know.  I really like her face.  Like, she has awesome facial expressions.  Whereas I am always really calm, she gets really fiery when something gets at her.  Like, she won't take your shit.

When I left home for school this year, I didn't think I would get very lonely or homesick.  But one of the things I most DEFINITELY missed was seeing this girl.  Like, I felt heartbroken that I would hardly ever see her anymore.  When I walked to class, I would typically think about the people from back home.

After my first test, which I failed, I cried a little bit because the absence of my friends, all the new stuff, the fact that I no longer have my own room/share it with pretty much a stranger, and the F on the test just all descended on me.  I felt... AWFUL.  Miserable.  I was a failure.  I was worthless.  I was alone.  I just wanted to be home with the people I know.  What really prompted the tears was calling home and telling my mom that I had failed.  I barely kept it together until after the call because she kept saying she was proud of me, and that it was all so new.  It's shameful to tell you all this, but I feel like it relates some aspect of the story.

Anyway, the title of this post.  I have this facebook group that I created with my friends which we like to call a discussion group.  We try to be philosophical and intellectual and all that.  But the friend I've been talking about for this whole post posted a fox news article about some ridiculous gender war (honestly, it's fox news; their completely full of shit).  Somehow, it claimed that women were waging the war on women and that men were feeling the side-effects most.  It basically advocated women being normal wives.  It was miraculously written by a woman, too.

The females of the group all jumped on the ridiculousness of the post.  They were infuriated.  Being a dumbass, I tried to be sort of funny by trolling all over it.  Like, I just said anything I could to make them angry.  I pulled the whole, "I'm not allowed to have an opinion," card.  The girl I've been talking about said not to pull that card and said i could comment as much as i like as long as i didnt derail the conversation to make it about me.  And for some idiotic reason, I decided to do that.  Just comment after comment, I completely ignored the subject.  I thought it was kind of witty, but still REALLY mean.  so i tried to find an out of it and so chalked it all up to trolling.

The point of the story: the girl I've been talking about feels REALLY strongly about feminism--and I knew that beforehand--but I just steamrolled all over her post.  I don't even know why I did it.  Some possible excuses: I felt left-out, I wanted to be a total asshole by fucking with these people, I have a deep-seated fear/disdain for women, I have a subconscious superiority complex toward women.  I don't know.  I can claim no excuse.  I was just a total asshole.  I should have been sensitive to what they thought and felt strongly about.

Again, to the casual observer, this seems relatively small/unimportant.  But it amounts to a genuine betrayal that has already built a wall between us.  I just want to go snuggle up to this person and beg forgiveness.  I want to be the best of friends with her again.  There is this lump in my chest that says "you fucked up, man.  you just lost a friend (not in the "she's completely abandoned you" sense, but in the "we are no longer besties" sense)".  And it hurts.

I have to make it right, somehow.  I talked to her about it (after offering a light apology and then a mucho genuine one).  She said she thought we were okay.  But I still feel horrible about it.

I need to learn to not make these things about me.  I admire her courage and maturity at ultimately shrugging off such a (to her) heavy insult.  I go home sometime between the 12th and 15th, and I offered for her to go with me and my family to this awesome nativity pageant at the colloseum in my hometown.  I don't know yet if my family is actually going, but I'm excited because it really is a cool show, regardless of religion.

I hope you didn't read this novel only to find it was truly as boring as it at first seemed.  I don't think it characterizes how truly regretful I am at my immaturity.  I really need to stop attacking things that are so precious to me.  A couple weeks ago, I asked this girl if she would marry me (on the condition that we are both somehow single after college).  I at once hope that it happens and that it doesn't.  I want her to meet this great guy that can replace any and all vestiges of friendship that I might have offered simply so that I don't ruin any part of her life.  I don't know.  Life is hopeless.  Love is hopeful.  What are you going to do with it?