Lover of things,I'm such an attention whore... ;P
won't you agree
how the winter could bring
the darkest spring?
With hell on your face,
dirt on the walls
in the back of the place,
you grew and complained.
Father of three,
won't you believe,
that the ones in between,
the ones that are blamed.
Of fickle faith,
cynics that seethe,
how their children are cursed,
cursed to believe.
It's like marrow without bone.
To live in a house with no home.
Where the son is the darkest seed.
He crawls with the curs in the weeds.
Where had you been son?
Not in the street, not in the yard.
Only once, I'll call off the dogs, if you call off your guard.
Where had you gone?
Where had you been?
Monday, May 28, 2012
Curs in the Weeds
Sunday, May 20, 2012
In the MIDDLE of Graduation
I'm curious. Does anyone besides Billy and Steve actually read this more than once? If so, please comment; I promise I won't think you're a creeper.
On to the actual note of the day: I am a high school graduate. I have my diploma and everything. I no longer have to step foot into those school halls ever again. I'm free.
It's rather boring, actually. I liked some of the people there. About 50-100 of them, actually (out of about 1800-2500; I don't know the actual number of students and faculty). A week ago I said that I would do high school over if I had the opportunity. Now, a week later, I have changed my mind. I'm just glad I don't have to do it again. I feel a little bit guilty about this next statement, but I'll make it anyway. I don't think that school--including the people in it--had THAT much to offer me. And since I'm a major introvert, I did not offer the majority of the things I had to offer them.
Btw, Imma tell you my demographics. My family (5 people) doesn't make THAT much money (80-85K per year); we're considered "lower-middle class". We are considered WASPs unfortunately. We have a very moderate number of family friends (neighborhood people and church people), and our family is not that huge either (3 families on my dad's side (9 total counting children and funny uncles and family-by-marriages), and 2 families on my mom's side (10 total counting children and my last grandfather)). My family ranks about like this in order of intelligence: Me, Mom, brothers (not sure which is smarter, prolly older), Dad. We live in a neighborhood of about 30 houses where we have to drive 15 or 30 minutes to get to most of the places we normally go. Knoxville is one of the best places in Tennessee as far as I know. We aren't that hickish and apparently we are one of the most LGBTQ friendly places around, but I'm not so sure about that. My high school was a public school with less diversity than a number of other places--though we still had some diversity. My life has been very... Middle. I'm rather well-rounded. I never received any grade below a 97% in my high school classes--and I took THE hardest classes (though "hard" in a public Tennessee high school is not THAT outstanding). I got the Senior English award because the Senior English teacher loves me and they had to spread out the senior awards to many people, but my true strength lies in Math (and science though to a more moderate extent) run-on sentence ftw. I'm pretty excellent at sports--specifically soccer and previously gymnastics (I've never really tried baseball because it seems super boring but if I practiced a little, I could be good too). I'm just well-coordinated. I can be social when I need to be--I'm just really quiet because I have little to say. So in terms of mental strength, I excel. In terms of physical ability, I excel. And in terms of friends, I do alright. I have yet to have a relationship (and I could blame that on any number of things, but I think that I just generally dislike most of the people I know who actually fit my gender and sexuality preferences). My grandparents were the first ones in our family (I think) to have gotten high school diplomas. My parents and their siblings were the first in their families to get their college degrees (mostly bachelor's degrees, though I think my Mom has a master's and my crazy Uncle got a medical degree before totally shutting down and living on money from somewhere--I'm pretty sure it was his from a long time ago). And I will be the first person in our family to be an engineer. MAJOR LONG PARAGRAPH NO BREAKS 4 U.
And again, graduated. YUS. <--mix between Japanese "yosh" and English "yes"
On to the actual note of the day: I am a high school graduate. I have my diploma and everything. I no longer have to step foot into those school halls ever again. I'm free.
It's rather boring, actually. I liked some of the people there. About 50-100 of them, actually (out of about 1800-2500; I don't know the actual number of students and faculty). A week ago I said that I would do high school over if I had the opportunity. Now, a week later, I have changed my mind. I'm just glad I don't have to do it again. I feel a little bit guilty about this next statement, but I'll make it anyway. I don't think that school--including the people in it--had THAT much to offer me. And since I'm a major introvert, I did not offer the majority of the things I had to offer them.
Btw, Imma tell you my demographics. My family (5 people) doesn't make THAT much money (80-85K per year); we're considered "lower-middle class". We are considered WASPs unfortunately. We have a very moderate number of family friends (neighborhood people and church people), and our family is not that huge either (3 families on my dad's side (9 total counting children and funny uncles and family-by-marriages), and 2 families on my mom's side (10 total counting children and my last grandfather)). My family ranks about like this in order of intelligence: Me, Mom, brothers (not sure which is smarter, prolly older), Dad. We live in a neighborhood of about 30 houses where we have to drive 15 or 30 minutes to get to most of the places we normally go. Knoxville is one of the best places in Tennessee as far as I know. We aren't that hickish and apparently we are one of the most LGBTQ friendly places around, but I'm not so sure about that. My high school was a public school with less diversity than a number of other places--though we still had some diversity. My life has been very... Middle. I'm rather well-rounded. I never received any grade below a 97% in my high school classes--and I took THE hardest classes (though "hard" in a public Tennessee high school is not THAT outstanding). I got the Senior English award because the Senior English teacher loves me and they had to spread out the senior awards to many people, but my true strength lies in Math (and science though to a more moderate extent) run-on sentence ftw. I'm pretty excellent at sports--specifically soccer and previously gymnastics (I've never really tried baseball because it seems super boring but if I practiced a little, I could be good too). I'm just well-coordinated. I can be social when I need to be--I'm just really quiet because I have little to say. So in terms of mental strength, I excel. In terms of physical ability, I excel. And in terms of friends, I do alright. I have yet to have a relationship (and I could blame that on any number of things, but I think that I just generally dislike most of the people I know who actually fit my gender and sexuality preferences). My grandparents were the first ones in our family (I think) to have gotten high school diplomas. My parents and their siblings were the first in their families to get their college degrees (mostly bachelor's degrees, though I think my Mom has a master's and my crazy Uncle got a medical degree before totally shutting down and living on money from somewhere--I'm pretty sure it was his from a long time ago). And I will be the first person in our family to be an engineer. MAJOR LONG PARAGRAPH NO BREAKS 4 U.
And again, graduated. YUS. <--mix between Japanese "yosh" and English "yes"
Thursday, May 3, 2012
REBELLION
Sometimes I think that my entire goal in life is to rebel and distance myself from things. That's why I consider myself a hipster--and not a mainstream hipster (my ace in the hole is either japanese music from Naruto, Charge of the Light Brigade by The Three D's, or Voltaire; very few people can top that). That's why I fear relationships. That's why I'm gay?
No. I'm legitimately gay, or at least bisexual. I REALLY want a boyfriend, not a girlfriend. I pity girls because they don't have penises (I actually wondered earlier what life would be like if EVERYONE had a penis--surely we would have tons more wars).
I live in a conservative family in Knoxville, Tennessee. My family is Methodist, and everyone but my mother is a Republican (my mother is only a Democrat because she wants more money allocated to the field of education). I am an atheist. I am gay/bi (there's a somewhat thin line, and I decided that I like boys a substantial bit more than girls... so... gay).
In my closeted state, I have stood by as my brothers and father boast of their hatred for gays. I have stood by as my mother said she would hate for one of her children to be gay. I have lied when asked about my sexuality upon not wanting to go to prom (so that I could get drunk with some of my favorite bitches, booya-peggyhill).
So this life goal of rebellion. It is a quiet kind of thing. It's not like I just yell out anarchy all the time. I sometimes hold myself as separate from the flow of society and see that society needs rules, though I only follow them to avoid trouble. In this rebellion, my skirmishes, conquests, and defeats are private: only I can see the bloodshed. Egotistical, yes. But it still makes for one damn fine dramedy--lots of irony.
I feel like when I am older and have lived this life to its end I will be able to look back and tell people that I made a lot of mistakes, and that is what made my life perfect.
Not God's fight, my own fight. I have stood up to and withstood the face of evil on this planet: close-mindedness could not take me down. I rebelled against it.
Those who know do not talk.
Those who talk do not know.
Stop talking,
meditate in silence,
blunt your sharpness,
release your worries,
harmonize your inner light,
and become one with the dust.
--From Tao Te Ching, Chapter 56
No. I'm legitimately gay, or at least bisexual. I REALLY want a boyfriend, not a girlfriend. I pity girls because they don't have penises (I actually wondered earlier what life would be like if EVERYONE had a penis--surely we would have tons more wars).
"People live their lives bound by what they accept as correct and true. That's how they define "reality". But what does it mean to be "correct" or "true"? Merely vague concepts ... their "reality" may all be a mirage. Can we consider them to simply be living in their own world, shaped by their beliefs?" -Itachi
I live in a conservative family in Knoxville, Tennessee. My family is Methodist, and everyone but my mother is a Republican (my mother is only a Democrat because she wants more money allocated to the field of education). I am an atheist. I am gay/bi (there's a somewhat thin line, and I decided that I like boys a substantial bit more than girls... so... gay).
John Proctor: God in Heaven, what is John Proctor, what is John Proctor?
John Proctor: Because it is my name! Because I cannot have another in my life! Because I lie and sign myself to lies! Because I am not worth the dust on the feet of them that hang! How may I live without my name? I have given you my soul; leave me my name!
John Proctor (his eyes full of tears): I can. And there's your first marvel, that I can. You have made your magic now, for now I do think I see some shred of goodness in John Proctor... (Elizabeth, in a burst of terror, rushes to him and weeps against his hand.) Give them no tear! Tears pleasure them! Show honor now, show a stony heart and sink them with it! -The Crucible
In my closeted state, I have stood by as my brothers and father boast of their hatred for gays. I have stood by as my mother said she would hate for one of her children to be gay. I have lied when asked about my sexuality upon not wanting to go to prom (so that I could get drunk with some of my favorite bitches, booya-peggyhill).
The only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your very existence is an act of rebellion.-Albert Camus
So this life goal of rebellion. It is a quiet kind of thing. It's not like I just yell out anarchy all the time. I sometimes hold myself as separate from the flow of society and see that society needs rules, though I only follow them to avoid trouble. In this rebellion, my skirmishes, conquests, and defeats are private: only I can see the bloodshed. Egotistical, yes. But it still makes for one damn fine dramedy--lots of irony.
You pursue the negative. You want to not give a damn, to exist without responsibility, without faith or friends or warmth.- In Cold Blood
I feel like when I am older and have lived this life to its end I will be able to look back and tell people that I made a lot of mistakes, and that is what made my life perfect.
I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith. -The Bible, 2 Timothy 4:7
Not God's fight, my own fight. I have stood up to and withstood the face of evil on this planet: close-mindedness could not take me down. I rebelled against it.
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