Sometimes I think of how life is, and I do not like what I think of. But that's only sometimes. The vast majority of the time, I'm just moving along. The majority of the other time though (when I'm actually thinking for myself), I think that life is beautiful.
I still stand by my idea that I want to be an observer. I am afraid of love; I've realized it. I'm afraid of boxes. I'm afraid of anything that does not include me. I am obsessed with the easy; I might have convinced myself that the ultimate goal of life is leisure (the word "leisure" is said with a soft e, not a hard e. Like in "let", not "leaf"). I laugh often; mostly I am laughing AT something. It just seems ridiculous.
I would like to think of myself as this super deep individual who can delve into his own mind and into silence. I like to think of myself as a loner: I don't want your help. I want to build and then only show you the result when it is either finished or magnificent. I do not want you to see the work in progress; I am afraid you will condemn me. I cannot be condemned until I have the finished product.
There is this wonderful post on Hyperbole and A Half where the author expresses her bout with depression. I feel like that is the sum total of my life so far: I have gone through some "terrible" experiences and come out the other side with this distinct outlook on life. I am invincible because nothing can bring me that low again. I always have knowledge: I can maintain my inner self no matter what you do to my outer body (theoretically).
I don't even know what I am doing here. I feel rejected and loathsome. I have embraced my role as the person who honestly dislikes the status of society but seeks its acceptance at the same time. I just want to have food and drink and a place to chill and feel quiet. I honestly dislike speaking to people. I think it is super-frivolous, and I can only handle it for a little while.
I have this issue, you see? It's a confidence issue. If people reject me, I feel ridiculously low and awful: it's the human condition. So I have taught myself. I would rather leave and go off on my own than try to fit into some small role. I just don't belong here. And the only reason that is true is that I don't WANT to belong here. Don't put me in your little box.
i see lots of myself in this post.
ReplyDeleteLearning to love means taking a risk. Taking risks means being secure, confident that those around you will always be there for you. Those times will come, just don't build the walls around you too high or too thick. You gotta let people in.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that worked for me was learning to love my body. Tall, adding on a few too many kilos, uncoordinated as a drunken wombat, I hated who I was physically. But it was something I could control. Exercising, getting fit and strong made me feel good about myself in a way I never had before. Not dependent on any one else. I just rode my bike everywhere.