Yesterday, I went with my family to a wedding two-and-a-half hours from where I live. It was for some cousin of mine--like 2nd or 3rd cousin or something. I had an awful time. There were not hardly any cute boys there, and it was mainly old people there (I'm pretty sure that the only cute boy I saw was a cousin of mine or something--and he did not seem open to external company at all[he was reading Life of Pi though; so that was a plus]). During the entire five hours of wedding stuff, I saw about five people within five years of my age, and two of them were my brothers. The service was totally way too religious (emphasized man + woman as the symbol of the power of "God"). One consolation that I came across during the night was that another of my cousins--another 2nd or 3rd or something--had a girlfriend with her.
By the end of the night I was thoroughly tired of being in the midst of the celebrations in a place that I thoroughly did not belong in. By the time that we were on our way home, I had come to a conclusion--which I texted to my friend RD because she was not terribly busy and had been my rock of comfort when I have in the past been faced with negative feelings:
"I'm lost. And stuck. (figuratively) That's an annoying combination. ... I just don't know anymore. I don't know anything. I don't care, and I don't know. I don't like anybody. And I don't like much of anything. I say, "What the fuck am I doing here?" alot. I wonder why it's all so fucked up. Tell me what to do to care."
Her answer was:
"I've actually thought alot about why I care about anything really, and honestly I don't know. ... No, no, I am not going to fall into apathy. I am just saying that I don't know why I care; I don't care why I care--I just do. I'm always listening to what people say; I feel like everyone has so much to say. Things that I agree or disagree with, find funny or sad, or anywhere in between, but whatever they say is important to me. That's why I care. The relations here that lift you up and make you happy. I probably didn't explain that very well, but I hope you understand."
That was actually very helpful to me. It also helped that I got to leave, watch some movie scenes on my ipod, go home, and sleep. It's always better in the morning. And it is better. I feel stronger, more sure of myself, more ready to face the world--though why that matters I have no idea.
And goddammit; I can't even do this happening legitimate justice. It was a rather unimportant event, but it evicted many negative feelings from my viewpoint. And all I can do is write about how some girl told me something, and I, whom I have portrayed as a weak person, took it as the ultimate judgment on life. Goddamnit, I hate people, life, the internet, all of it. I hate the idea of being connected or disconnected with people. I hate being a sentimental idiot who can't get any comments, visitors, or anything based on his actual awesomeness. Hang it all. Life is a piece of shit, and it will forever-on be a full-on shit party.
Um, can i say that it all gets better sooner or later?No, i can't, sorry. It's all up and down, and more down than up. I just wish you wouldn't measure urself and awesomeness against how many comments and visitors u get, even though this is what i do most of the times, while realizing it's a pretty silly measure of things. Do you write fiction?maybe u could put ur frustrations in there where it would actually matter.
ReplyDeleteFor what it's worth, i hate people, and my job, and life, and this blog thing, it seems like a competition sometimes, and when uthink u can find a place to belong, online freinds' silence is devastating.
Been there, done that. If we could just disconnect our personality and personal moments from the need to be scrutinized and commented by ppl we never actually gonna meet, it'd be great. The thing is,that thru reading other ppl's blogs u might find interesting stuff and even a "connection". I don't know.
Love
L.