These worthless days

I have been doing nothing lately.  Like, really, I don't do anything: it's summer.  And because of this nothingness, I decided it would be interesting to update you people on this fact.  Ummm, yeah, so nothing.

The entire rest of this post is about being in the closet--which I have spoken on previously.

My gay friend--the one that I'm real friends with--she has apparently been ousted.  Most of her friends know. Her Mom--whom she told--knows.  The only people that don't know are her sister, her "work friends", and her father who is always out of town and whom she jokingly said she would never tell.

With her new-found out-ness, she and one of my other friends offered to bring me out as well.  And like the little pussy I am, I skirted the issue and allowed them to figure it out for themselves.  They decided it would not be a good idea because my family could catch wind of it, and then hate me forever.  ...  That is what I have to say to this.  DOT DOT DOT.  Whatever I am to make of this, I can't think of a good response because I tried to swear off angst.  But I'll give my interpretation:  I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to be out.  But at the same time, I can't help but feel that it is not what I need at this point.

As I have explained previously, my family is anti-gay, and if nothing else, there would be some SERIOUS drama.  So, the way I see my options: 1) keep as quiet as possible and thus play the presumably safest route (assuming that this closeted state does not produce excess despair) or 2) allow my friends and acquaintances to out me (because doing it myself is much too much effort unless I want to do it via facebook) and deal with the consequences.

Now, the worst outcome of option 1 is that I might feel miserable at times and may miss opportunities (which is something that I would have to deal with on my own and not whine about).  The worst outcome of option 2 is that my parents get word and kick me out; this could jeopardize my opportunities for college because I have no money on my own and do not wish to go into debt for student loans or other loans.  From a non-internal viewpoint, option 1 is far superior (strategically speaking).  From a movement viewpoint and an honor viewpoint, option 2 is far superior.

So, the dilemma: do I want to gain an education on my parents money and then drop the ball on them?  Or do I want to go into debt in order to get a college education so that I can feel proud of myself for not disappointing the gay community?

Yes, there are lots of paragraphs up there, and yes, they make me seem like a little pussy cat.  But at this point, I really don't know.  I mean, I feel this biological "love" tie to my family.  They genuinely care about "me", but since they do not know the real me, I cannot know the extent of that care.  Does their son/brother outweigh their religious and southern convictions that gays are immoral scourges on the otherwise upright American-ness of their country and family?  I should hope so.  But I seriously doubt it.  

Also, in addition to the ball that I'm going to have to drop on them about being gay, I am also going to have to drop the atheist and Democrat ball on my otherwise Methodist and Republican family.  At this point, I think I'm just going to clean my conscious--ALL AT THE SAME TIME. And say fuck the consequences when it comes to that (which will not be until I am at least a little bit of a ways into college).

I know that many of you think I am overthinking this.  And I am.  But I am not wrong.  As far as I know.  Trust me, I'm a better judge of my family than you are.  Really, I would love to post to facebook that I am a flaming homosexual and therefore not have to deal with telling all those people.  BUT. But. but. ... And thus: these worthless days.