Light Chasers - Cloud Cult

Christmas was kind to me.  I got some new clothes, notably jeans, shoes, and a light jacket or two.  Back when I got my laptop for college, there was a deal for an xbox 360 with the laptop.  So I got an xbox 360 with a couple new games and a small tv for my dorm.  I did not get a nice new razor like in past years, but I can go get my own razor, I suppose.  And finally, my aunt gave me The Silmarillion and The Shaping of Middle Earth by J.R.R. Tolkien.  So all in all, I racked up.  I have eaten approximately 5 Christmas dinners now (3 of which being leftovers rehashed).  And I am probably as spoilt as a lower-middle class pig can be.

I have not posted many Music posts recently, have I?  Well, prepare your ears and mind's anuses.  For I bring you tidings of great joy; I think Cloud Cult is now my favorite band.  I have reached a period of uncertainty.  A while back it was Rise Against, then Coldplay, then fun., then Bon Iver, then Damien Rice, then Manchester Orchestra, and now Cloud Cult.  With all of this change of favorite band in the past couple years, I cannot be certain of my true favorite band.  However, I am certain of where their best album ranks.  The album Light Chasers by Cloud Cult is definitely in my top three--if not first, second only to The Wall by Pink Floyd--in rankings as to my favorite album.  Here are the tracks:

The Mission - Unexplainable Stories
The Departure - Today We Give Ourselves to the Fire
The Invocation (p. 1) - You'll be Bright
The Birth
The Baby - You Were Born
The Lessons - Exploding People
The Interference
The Battles - Room Full of People in Your Head
The Escape - Running with the Wolves
The Acceptance - Responsible
The Surrender - Guessing Game
The Strength - Forces of the Unseen
The Invocation (p. 2) - Blessings
The Awakening - Dawn
The Contact
The Arrival - There's So Much Energy in Us

Of these, I think that either "The Mission", "The Invocation", or "The Battles" is my favorite.  Really, this entire album has incredible lyrics.  The sound itself seems pretty unique, typically rather showy and loud, but overall, very well put together.  I love the french horns; they add so much with their presence.  I'll admit that it took a few listens to get into the album, but once I got in, I was hooked.  It is the perfect blare in the car and sing as loud as possible album.  IMHO

Anyway, go have a listen.  Here is a link for you: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2yHGt5ZZeZU&playnext=1&list=PL9B962AC5A5DB58D7&feature=results_main
(Unfortunately, I do not think this is the full album, but it's a start.)

A Review: http://www.sputnikmusic.com/review/53880/Cloud-Cult-Light-Chasers/

Daddy Problems

A friend of mine said something interesting to me recently.  She said, "We all have daddy problems."  Of course, this applies much more to some than others, but in general, almost everybody has some problem with their father that fucks them up. 

Whether it be the absence of a father, some form of neglect, or just the idea that your father hindered you, we all have problems with our dads.  For me, it's a little different, but I do have "daddy problems".

I can't speak for most others, but maybe explaining my situation might help.  Honestly, I would consider my relationship with my father to be a good one.  There are some poisonous raptors in the closet, but that closet isn't used too often. 

I mean, we don't talk too much; so, maybe our decent relationship is a result of superficiality?  He always told me how proud he was of me.  Over this past summer, my brother drove home from a bar or something slightly tipsy and ran over a mailbox; the whole event caused a pretty decent riff in the family between my father and my brother.  One of the most recent times where my father said he was proud of me was after an argument between my father and brother concerning the accident/screw-up.  His reasoning was personified in this one image he had in his mind.  Basically, I used to do gymnastics but quit after a year's struggle with some fractures in my back.  Anyway, the image of me that made him proud was that before we knew there were fractures, I would  basically struggle through it.  After every vault or floor or hi bar practice/competition routine, I would bend over and try to stretch my back because, who woulda thought, it turned out to be broken.  (I'm fine now, btw)

My daddy problems do correspond around my sexuality and atheism, but as of yet, they are not problems.  They are future problems--or never problems, depending on which one comes first.

My father thinks I am close to the perfect son.  He and my grandfather have always favored me because I'm good at everything (but socializing).  I think they really like me because of my brains.  I don't know; it's a relationship.  It's complex. 

I think my relationship with my father is similar to my relationship to God.  I don't want him to exist the way he does, and if I so chose, I could end the relationship.  But there are times where I think of him, and I can't help but have these feelings.  Of happiness? Of contentment? Of love?


I guess when it all boils down, it's always me striving for approval and him seeking to give it.  I wonder when our dance will fall apart.

Last year or so, I had this general idea that I owed my father nothing because it was his JOB to raise me.  It was HIS burden.  But now, I think I had it completely wrong.  It was his burden; it was his JOB to raise me.  BUT, I did owe him something.  For every moment he gave to me.  For every favor he gave to me.  For every time that he said, "I'm proud of you" and genuinely meant it.  For every second he spent trying to raise me in the way he thought best.  I owe him everything and yet nothing.

I royally fucked up

This probably won't make sense to the casual observer unless he/she really makes an effort to study what I say.  And even then, it probably wouldn't be meaningful to them.  This post is mostly personal.
Just don't read it unless you want to be bored.

So, there's this girl from my hometown.  There are about 3 (4 if you count my mom) girls in my life that I really care for.  One of them has been slipping out of my life recently, and that does feel weird.  But I think (maybe I'm mistaken), but i think she has her own set of good friends that sort of take care of her as far as emotional needs go.  We were really close in middle school.

One of the other two, I have talked about before.  She's much more social than I am, and she definitely has many other friends that like her.  She actually went out to a gay bar recently (or is going soon) with a weird straight boy that she's becoming friends with.

This post does not concern these other two girls.  The girl I'm talking about, we were on the same soccer team when we were little.  She's the ONLY other player I remember from the team so so so many years ago.  We went to the same elementary school and middle school.  I have no elementary school memories of her besides soccer as like 5 year olds or 7 year olds or sth.  In middle school, I remember seeing her in the halls, but we never really talked or had classes together.  In high school though, we became close.  I don't know if it was "really close", but she was one of the most important people in my life.  If I had to place an absolute rank, she would be either THE second-most important person in my life or tied for second.  (The first is this boy that I've been friends with since 6th grade--more than 7 years now, and no one can really compare)

We both really like music.  Unfortunately, she has problems with rock music that I've been trying to soothe out of her, unsuccessfully.  She actually got me hooked on folk-type music.  Whenever I hung out with people, it was always either (1) her and this group of girls or (2) that guy friend I mentioned end of last paragraph.

We are both supremely awkward.  A lot of our interaction actually comes from just looking at each other.  I don't know.  I really like her face.  Like, she has awesome facial expressions.  Whereas I am always really calm, she gets really fiery when something gets at her.  Like, she won't take your shit.

When I left home for school this year, I didn't think I would get very lonely or homesick.  But one of the things I most DEFINITELY missed was seeing this girl.  Like, I felt heartbroken that I would hardly ever see her anymore.  When I walked to class, I would typically think about the people from back home.

After my first test, which I failed, I cried a little bit because the absence of my friends, all the new stuff, the fact that I no longer have my own room/share it with pretty much a stranger, and the F on the test just all descended on me.  I felt... AWFUL.  Miserable.  I was a failure.  I was worthless.  I was alone.  I just wanted to be home with the people I know.  What really prompted the tears was calling home and telling my mom that I had failed.  I barely kept it together until after the call because she kept saying she was proud of me, and that it was all so new.  It's shameful to tell you all this, but I feel like it relates some aspect of the story.

Anyway, the title of this post.  I have this facebook group that I created with my friends which we like to call a discussion group.  We try to be philosophical and intellectual and all that.  But the friend I've been talking about for this whole post posted a fox news article about some ridiculous gender war (honestly, it's fox news; their completely full of shit).  Somehow, it claimed that women were waging the war on women and that men were feeling the side-effects most.  It basically advocated women being normal wives.  It was miraculously written by a woman, too.

The females of the group all jumped on the ridiculousness of the post.  They were infuriated.  Being a dumbass, I tried to be sort of funny by trolling all over it.  Like, I just said anything I could to make them angry.  I pulled the whole, "I'm not allowed to have an opinion," card.  The girl I've been talking about said not to pull that card and said i could comment as much as i like as long as i didnt derail the conversation to make it about me.  And for some idiotic reason, I decided to do that.  Just comment after comment, I completely ignored the subject.  I thought it was kind of witty, but still REALLY mean.  so i tried to find an out of it and so chalked it all up to trolling.

The point of the story: the girl I've been talking about feels REALLY strongly about feminism--and I knew that beforehand--but I just steamrolled all over her post.  I don't even know why I did it.  Some possible excuses: I felt left-out, I wanted to be a total asshole by fucking with these people, I have a deep-seated fear/disdain for women, I have a subconscious superiority complex toward women.  I don't know.  I can claim no excuse.  I was just a total asshole.  I should have been sensitive to what they thought and felt strongly about.

Again, to the casual observer, this seems relatively small/unimportant.  But it amounts to a genuine betrayal that has already built a wall between us.  I just want to go snuggle up to this person and beg forgiveness.  I want to be the best of friends with her again.  There is this lump in my chest that says "you fucked up, man.  you just lost a friend (not in the "she's completely abandoned you" sense, but in the "we are no longer besties" sense)".  And it hurts.

I have to make it right, somehow.  I talked to her about it (after offering a light apology and then a mucho genuine one).  She said she thought we were okay.  But I still feel horrible about it.

I need to learn to not make these things about me.  I admire her courage and maturity at ultimately shrugging off such a (to her) heavy insult.  I go home sometime between the 12th and 15th, and I offered for her to go with me and my family to this awesome nativity pageant at the colloseum in my hometown.  I don't know yet if my family is actually going, but I'm excited because it really is a cool show, regardless of religion.

I hope you didn't read this novel only to find it was truly as boring as it at first seemed.  I don't think it characterizes how truly regretful I am at my immaturity.  I really need to stop attacking things that are so precious to me.  A couple weeks ago, I asked this girl if she would marry me (on the condition that we are both somehow single after college).  I at once hope that it happens and that it doesn't.  I want her to meet this great guy that can replace any and all vestiges of friendship that I might have offered simply so that I don't ruin any part of her life.  I don't know.  Life is hopeless.  Love is hopeful.  What are you going to do with it?

Uggghhhh, college

The break this past week was awesome.  However, I'm coming back to school to the welcome of two tough tests this week.  I'm just going to have to power through.  I think I'll be alright.  I doubt either test could really do TOO much damage (because I plan to be prepared for them), but it's still a hassle.  Anyway, hope you had a wonderful break as well (if you are American and enjoyed American Thanksgiving like an American... Yes, several of you didn't celebrate AMERICAN Thanksgiving and are probably super tired of hearing about it from your American friends.  But I love you foreigners; you're all so wise and reasonable.  Thanks for being there.)

I'm still here, and so confused.  But now I finally see how much I stand to lose.

Mah, country music, yeehaw.  Except not.  Because it's a sad, old, slow song.  meeeerrrrrrrrrrr.

I apologize for my spastic rambling.  I'm not usually like this.  I just feel stressed with these two tests.  Well, maybe I'm like this sometimes, but not most of the time.  So... moving along.

One of the tests is a math test on multivariable calculus.  I should feel super prepared for it because I've always been good at math, but I've been slightly challenged learning it all with my professor--who does an excellent job of presenting the material (sarcasm).

I wouldn't feel stressed about the Organic Chemistry test, except I failed the first test and pretty much am forcing myself to get a 100% on this test and the final.  So it's somewhat of a high standard that I set.  But I can do it!  I will do it!

Anyway, Imma go study.

I'm just trying to get through

Lately, I have done my best to be utterly solitary--by being myself and making love to the internet.  facebook, reddit, and the anime/manga scene have kept me company during this semester.  The few people I do see in my life ask my plans for the weekend, and I'm just like, I'm going to sleep.  But then, I never do sleep.  I get behind on schoolwork, and then cram the week of the test.  But I legitimately do nothing productive or worthwhile.

I do have a few things I've learned lately--mostly revolving around manga and anime.  First, I should tell you all what I have done over the past few months.  I have watched through at least three animes

• Cowboy Bebop
• Samurai Champloo
• Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann

All three of which are incredible.  I have read through a number of mangas.

• I caught back up on Bleach (I was about 100 chapters behind)
• I read all the way through Death Note (about 100 chapters total)
• I finished Bakuman (by the same author as Death Note, read through the last 150 chapters or so out of about 300)
• I started and finished hunterxhunter (340 chapters, on hiatus right now but may pick back up later)
• I got all the way through the 30 or so chapters of No. 6 (cute manga, main characters are two guys that act moderately gay for each other)
• I've stayed caught up on Naruto
• And I tried to restart reading One Piece.  However, I never could accumulate enough interest to read or watch more than one episode or chapter of One Piece
• Tonight, I was going to watch the Neon Genesis 1.0, but my computer was finecky and did not get past about 10 minutes of the 98 minute film
• (Not anime/manga related, but I also watched all three of the Batman movies and Wall-E.)

So, I've been busy doing anti-social nothings, lately.  I've been trying to meet interesting people, but there just aren't that many that are easy to like at first.  Of the people who are easy to like at first, they are concerned with other things.  Ramble ramble ramble introverted Idontlikepeople rant.

And finally, my roommate really likes girls, and he is a bit of an anime snob, which irks me.  Maybe it's just that he doesn't always like the same things I do.  Either way, I don't especially like living with him.  But that's because he smells.  Sometimes, REALLY REALLY bad; like, I have to open the window and flood the room with AC and Old Spice spray just to keep from vomiting.  He also has sleep patterns that can frustrate my own.  He will occasionally take naps during the day but then not sleep at night.  As a rather light sleeper, this saddens me.

Anyway, I don't really know what I'm doing.  This is all a side-effect of having (a) no purpose and (b) a crippling reliance on introversion.  And again, I don't say this for sympathy.  I don't say this for the idea of declaring a problem.  I'm just giving an update.  Some of you have expressed interest in me in the past.  So, my life is slow and easy except in that I'm at a tough college taking a couple slightly challenging classes while trying to adjust to not having friends thrust upon me.