Box-Cutter To Bowie

I am definitely an introvert.

About a year ago(?), I decided that I wanted to see if I could cut my own skin and withstand the pain.  I just wanted to see if I could do it.  So, I did it.  I locked the door to the bathroom, and started hacking at my thigh.  I was very clean about it and all that.  Afterward, I took a shower and watched the slight tinge of pink come out of my cat-scratches.  I didn't know that I was supposed to use a better knife than a box cutter...

Well, now, when I cut (I time it based on when the last cuts seem to have almost fully healed), I use a bowie knife that my dad has on a shelf in his office.  It is much easier to cut with and it does not hurt nearly as much.  With the box cutter, i would have to cut several times in the same place to make much of any headway.  And it stung A LOT and it was just not fun.  But with the bowie, one good slice does the same thing as about 4 or 5 harder slices of the box-cutter (also helps that it is longer than a razor blade).

I did not cut because I wanted to alleviate the pain of loneliness.  *FAINTS DRAMATICALLY*

No, I tried this
A) to prove that I was mentally strong enough to face pain and fight against it and
B) to give myself some scars that very few people will ever see.

I'm not suicidal, nor am I addicted.  I just think it gives me something DIFFERENT to do.  When I was in middle school, I always wanted to be the EMO kid, but I never had the guts to actually do it.  So I wore nondescript clothes, spoke scarcely, and focused on learning and grades.  I suffered quietly and personally.  I think I'm a Buddhist, you guys.

I still perform this ritualistic cutting session relatively often (keyword relatively, meaning not often).  Sometimes i just want to see what happens when I start to tear the world apart (Donnie Darko/The Destructors/Rise Against reference).  I stand by what i said a LONG time ago, "I want to see the end."