I have no friends

I moved into college August 18 at Vanderbilt University.  And I have no friends.  Well, I can count about 7 acquaintances and one or two people who might be considered a friend.  So I guess I have a few friends.  But that's all.  I have been cut off from all of my other friends who went to UTK.

So umm... I really need some tips on making and keeping friends.  Like, I'm at a major dilemma.  I don't know how to make friends.  How do I entertain them?  I'm absolutely horrible at small talk and I have this problem where I am absolutely boring.  So...  How does a weird and quiet person make friends?

A Dark Soliloquy

I have no "you."  As of yet, I live alone, metaphorically speaking.  Sad eyes.  Empty.  Wanting escape and yet achievement. Speaking in short sentences.

I am going to kill you all someday.  I don't know when, or how, or where.  Heck, I don't know if I even have the balls, but I promise I will kill you.  In my mind, the subtleties of stance and stature become apparent.  I can no longer see myself as good or even "holy."  I am a learned man.  I know what I know, and it is right in the middle--far from everything, far from nothing.  Sometimes I am dumb, sometimes smarter than I know, but I am always saying "I" and thinking.  I am the gubernator of my own ship even though I sometimes choose passiveness as the ruling power.

Three years ago, I believed in God.  Ten years ago, I believed in Santa Claus.  Now I believe in nothing--but man and everything he encompasses.  I see power but I only wonder about it.  I have developed patience and lost my major goals.  I see no ultimate purpose and I still say "I" every other word.  It's all about me, right? Yes, solipsism is the truth: We are all just in a matrix-like ether in my mind.  I am actually God--the perfect egg.  But do I incubate?  Or am I just a finite entity in the death stage?

I don't care.  I just want to fuck.  With my mate.  My non-existent mate.  I want to be lost in another, so helplessly underwater that I may as well be a fish.  I want to curl up and hibernate: I need to hide and rest.  I am tired of these human thoughts.  I want to be above, but I seem to be trapped in "I."  Because altruism is inherently better than egocentrism?  Ok, so selfishness is necessary, and self is necessary, as is will.  Altruism?  Overrated.

Out of the darkness shall rise a great and powerful patience--one with no equal but the infinity of death.  He shall come, proclaiming the end and desiring the rainbow-ification of the world.  When worst comes to worst, who will prevail?

Life is about initiative and standards: since there is no inherent goal, there is no automatic failure.  If there is no inherent goal or failure, then success is utterly arbitrary.  the Endgame is whatever the hell you want it to be.  Don't let me dictate your dreams.  Do whatever the fuck you want.  It's your life: do with it what you will.

Brothers

Naaaaaaaaaaantz ingonyama bagithi baba
Sithi uhm ingonyama

Naaaaaaaaaantz ingonyama bagithi baba
Sithi uhhmm ingonyama
Ingonyama

Siyo Nqoba
Ingonyama

Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala

This is what I'll be waking up to each morning for the next semester.  That's right, I put THE CIRCLE OF LIFE on my phone as my alarm for the morning.

I made a post a while back about how I was going to be getting a vehicle and new phone.  Well, I didn't get the phone for Christmas.  Actually, it took about 4 months to actually get the phone because my father was dragging his feet even though he promised the phone as a Christmas present.  Which, beggars can't be choosers, nor should I look a gift horse in the mouth.  But still, he promised. -_-  And the car is basically mine, an old-ish van that we call Charlotte.  BY FAR not the coolest ride, but still, it goes from place to place.  These first two paragraphs had nothing to do with the post, I just felt like sharing.

The reason I am posting tonight is because my older brother stopped by the house for dinner tonight, and he legitimately spent an hour or so saying that he couldn't decide whether or not to try for a big Atlanta internship or to take a sure spot in a local internship.  Can't he make up his mind?

Anyway, ever since he left home, my relationship with my brother has been... minimal, I guess?  We hardly talk anymore unless we want something from the other (which is more him, most of the time) or we are simultaneously picking on our younger brother.  I was the sensitive child; I didn't like to watch American football or basketball, I did gymnastics, and I was picked on.  Basically the word that sums up my young life in regard to my brother is TORTURE though more of a Chinese water torture kind of thing than tie up and whip.  Just everyday he would hit me or mess with me or something which was apparently his way of showing affection.  I didn't like it because it didn't feel all that good to be hit or messed with all the time.  Several times, he would make me lose my temper and it sucked.  At one point, we were at the beach, and I told him that I wished him dead.  That is one of those moments that I now regret.  However, I am getting past it by slowly siphoning myself off from my family.  When college comes in a month, I'm going to cut the cord as much as possible.

How much would you expect to be like your siblings?  How similar does your upbringing make you to them?  For me, there is a major difference between myself and my older brother though both of my brothers are also somewhat more quiet than the average person, with my older brother being the loudest and me being the quietest.  I don't know whether to like, dislike, or feel apathetic toward my brothers.  They are both conservatives, whereas I am a liberal (really, I don't like the political system at all and would rather see something other than partisan politics, but I identify more with the left than the right).  They both are religious, whereas I am not.  They both hate gay people, whereas I love them.  They both support the NRA and war, whereas I think diplomacy is cheaper and kinder (though I really can't say that I value life).  I actually became somewhat psychotic for a day after reading Fight Club.  Darn just broke two rules.  Oh well

Anyway, I just want distance now.  I need to get away.

Naruto

You guys, go read Naruto.  Like, for real.  GO READ NARUTO.  It is incredibly good.  Don't believe me? Go read it.  Here's a link to the very first chapter: http://www.mangastream.to/naruto-chapter-1-page-1.html (read RIGHT TO LEFT)

The plot focuses on this ninja named Naruto--who is a boss.  Don't believe me? Go read it.  It is a typical shounen manga in that it's about a young-ish boy who has to beat all the odds against him.  This one really focuses on the proving oneself part, though.  As well as friends.  Like, you need good friends.  Go read it, and tell your friends about its awesomeness.

As a LGBTQ youth, it helped me through a lot.  At one point, I remember saying that it was the one thing that gave me hope to continue on.  It's actually one of the reasons I still continue on.  If the mangaka behind Naruto--Masashi Kishimoto--died, I would also die.  We are intertwined.



At the beginning, it is a bit slow because the main character IS moderately innocent and ignorant.  But the first chapter itself is powerful. Like, it gives me chills to reread it.  It is legitimately THE BEST manga out there.  Nothing compares.

I honestly can't wait for every Wednesday update and it kills me if Kishimoto-san takes a week off.  I have been reading/watching (I started out watching the anime) Naruto since 6th grade (2005/2006), and it is one of the best things in my life.

Saying that, I am not a very extensive manga reader.  The only manga I have read completely (partly because many manga comics are ongoing things.  Like, this one called Detective Conan--interesting mystery comic--has over 900 chapters and is still going) is called M.A.R. and it was also rather good but still not as good as Naruto.

Anyway, if you are an active Naruto reader, I would love to be a co-fan with you.  If you have not tried Naruto before, try it.  If you have tried Naruto before but dropped it for a while, I implore you to take it back up.  It's super legit.  Get to the current chapter and then we can talk about whether or not it is good.  (btw, japanese names put the surname first; so where Westerners call Naruto "Naruto Uzumaki," the Japanese call Naruto "Uzumaki Naruto")



GOSH NARUTO AND SASUKE AND KAKASHI AND ITACHI AND TSUNADE AND NARUTO AND SASUKE AND ITACHI AND ROCK LEE.  OMFG GO READ IT!!

These worthless days

I have been doing nothing lately.  Like, really, I don't do anything: it's summer.  And because of this nothingness, I decided it would be interesting to update you people on this fact.  Ummm, yeah, so nothing.

The entire rest of this post is about being in the closet--which I have spoken on previously.

My gay friend--the one that I'm real friends with--she has apparently been ousted.  Most of her friends know. Her Mom--whom she told--knows.  The only people that don't know are her sister, her "work friends", and her father who is always out of town and whom she jokingly said she would never tell.

With her new-found out-ness, she and one of my other friends offered to bring me out as well.  And like the little pussy I am, I skirted the issue and allowed them to figure it out for themselves.  They decided it would not be a good idea because my family could catch wind of it, and then hate me forever.  ...  That is what I have to say to this.  DOT DOT DOT.  Whatever I am to make of this, I can't think of a good response because I tried to swear off angst.  But I'll give my interpretation:  I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to be out.  But at the same time, I can't help but feel that it is not what I need at this point.

As I have explained previously, my family is anti-gay, and if nothing else, there would be some SERIOUS drama.  So, the way I see my options: 1) keep as quiet as possible and thus play the presumably safest route (assuming that this closeted state does not produce excess despair) or 2) allow my friends and acquaintances to out me (because doing it myself is much too much effort unless I want to do it via facebook) and deal with the consequences.

Now, the worst outcome of option 1 is that I might feel miserable at times and may miss opportunities (which is something that I would have to deal with on my own and not whine about).  The worst outcome of option 2 is that my parents get word and kick me out; this could jeopardize my opportunities for college because I have no money on my own and do not wish to go into debt for student loans or other loans.  From a non-internal viewpoint, option 1 is far superior (strategically speaking).  From a movement viewpoint and an honor viewpoint, option 2 is far superior.

So, the dilemma: do I want to gain an education on my parents money and then drop the ball on them?  Or do I want to go into debt in order to get a college education so that I can feel proud of myself for not disappointing the gay community?

Yes, there are lots of paragraphs up there, and yes, they make me seem like a little pussy cat.  But at this point, I really don't know.  I mean, I feel this biological "love" tie to my family.  They genuinely care about "me", but since they do not know the real me, I cannot know the extent of that care.  Does their son/brother outweigh their religious and southern convictions that gays are immoral scourges on the otherwise upright American-ness of their country and family?  I should hope so.  But I seriously doubt it.  

Also, in addition to the ball that I'm going to have to drop on them about being gay, I am also going to have to drop the atheist and Democrat ball on my otherwise Methodist and Republican family.  At this point, I think I'm just going to clean my conscious--ALL AT THE SAME TIME. And say fuck the consequences when it comes to that (which will not be until I am at least a little bit of a ways into college).

I know that many of you think I am overthinking this.  And I am.  But I am not wrong.  As far as I know.  Trust me, I'm a better judge of my family than you are.  Really, I would love to post to facebook that I am a flaming homosexual and therefore not have to deal with telling all those people.  BUT. But. but. ... And thus: these worthless days.