Billy, Thank you for all your comments. Thanks to everyone for all your comments. I love getting comments. I do not know if you all look at my responses, but generally, they wrap up what I was trying to say. The last comment you made, Billy, caught my eye. You said that "life does get better".
And I just wanted to say in response to this that I understand that statement. I am sorry if my posts seem angry or depressed or whatever the hell you want to call it. You want happiness, go to a birthday party or the beach or some other such place of joy. I tend to be morbid and critical of my situation. I try not to be, but the point of this blog is for me to have a sort of vent. I can say just about whatever the hell I want to say on here. So it is my place to rant, to jive with the gremlins, and to let off steam.
Perhaps you all getting tired of this, my blog genre. I might make a post here in a bit where I dance in the rainbows of happiness. I'll try. But on to the madness.
We really live in a calm world. It's not truly mad. Just prone to chaos.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
Friday, July 15, 2011
I wrote this whilst SAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaddddddd at my summer camp
"June 25th, 2011
Hello,
I am writing this to see if I can write a suicide note. I am not it in my mind to commit suicide; I am too lazy to do that. But I still want to see if I can do it (write this, not commit suicide).
So first off, what makes my life so unbearable? Nothing specific, really. I guess that I just feel lonely too much. I've thought and thought and thought to oblivion about why I'm lonely, and I've come to a few conclusions.
I'm gay (or at least mostly gay), and being gay can be a difficult thing to live through. It is somewhat of a given that gay people are always striving to prove worth (that's what people do), and when this is the goal (and a hefty one at that), everyday is a lonely struggle to distinguish oneself, to prove that my existence is not an insult, not an abomination, not a disorder, not a fluke, but rather a simple thing. So many people seem to be judging me and finding me unworthy.
I'm intelligent, and I think and think and think, all the time, about how fucking retarded it is to always try to struggle. I see the events of the past, and I desire peace. I want wholeness. I want everybody to get along and feel happiness and rainbows and unicorns. I'm not a flamer; I'm a quiet, maybe shy introvert who is generally lazy and yet weary/wary of life with/without anxiety and worry.
When I try to write things like this, essays about feelings and all that crap, I have a strong desire about halfway through to just rip up the paper. I said up there somewhere thatI am an introvert. Well, I am also a loner. In so many social situations, I find myself wanting to just leave, escape from the nauseating small talk, the trivialities of "How are you?"s and the distance, the odd strangeness and unattached disjunction. I find myself seeing everything in a hypocritical light--though I myself am a hypocrite. Ironic, right? Well I guess I keep seeing irony too.
And I miss my friends. I have a friend named AC. We've been texting alot lately.
Currently I am separated from my friends at a summer school type-thing. The only somewhat good friend I have here is named Friend 1, and she is a red-head. It would be difficult to describe these friends in detail, but I'll include a quick reference chart.
I have another friend named Friend 2. He's hot, totally straight, and such a fun thing to loook at. What can I say? I'm smitten. Apparently, he gets "super gay" when drunk; I'm looking forward to testing that. But I don't just like him for his body; he's also got rather loner-ish tendenceies. And he sees the hypocrisy, too. He sees it and hates it. But he's fun, too. If only, if only, the woodpecker cried.
Now I'm down to two major ones. The first one is named BB; he's a Mormon. We've had many a theistic, meaning-of-life talk. He's such an artist, and his life's ambition is to become a legendary film-maker and reform Hollywood. He is the knower of much about me. (BTW, Friends 1 and 2 don't know about my gayness, but these others do).
And finally, we come to LadyLuck. In the 8th grade, I had a major crush on LadyLuck (it might have started in 7th grade). But either way, she was super cute, smart, and fun. All the things a boy would want. But whether by fate, our mutual shyness, her boyfriend, or some other factor, we never hooked up. And I think I'm glad we didn't. Because now, we are supposedly the best of friends. (It's odd; we don't seem to talk that much anymore.) She was the first person I told, and she must know a whole lot about me. Nobody knows everything, though. Anyway, we're pretty tight.
It's funny. Writing about my friends has vastly improved my mood, though I'm still somewhat in the mood to keep writing. But I have lost my gusto. So, I'll stop here for now. Oh right, I was going to speak to people, my family mostly, and muse about what your lives will be like without me. Okay, so next time. For now, I'm off to play Pokemon."
And I stopped there. I did not resume. But I felt like sharing. So... there it is. Here is the reference chart I said I would include.
Hello,
I am writing this to see if I can write a suicide note. I am not it in my mind to commit suicide; I am too lazy to do that. But I still want to see if I can do it (write this, not commit suicide).
So first off, what makes my life so unbearable? Nothing specific, really. I guess that I just feel lonely too much. I've thought and thought and thought to oblivion about why I'm lonely, and I've come to a few conclusions.
I'm gay (or at least mostly gay), and being gay can be a difficult thing to live through. It is somewhat of a given that gay people are always striving to prove worth (that's what people do), and when this is the goal (and a hefty one at that), everyday is a lonely struggle to distinguish oneself, to prove that my existence is not an insult, not an abomination, not a disorder, not a fluke, but rather a simple thing. So many people seem to be judging me and finding me unworthy.
I'm intelligent, and I think and think and think, all the time, about how fucking retarded it is to always try to struggle. I see the events of the past, and I desire peace. I want wholeness. I want everybody to get along and feel happiness and rainbows and unicorns. I'm not a flamer; I'm a quiet, maybe shy introvert who is generally lazy and yet weary/wary of life with/without anxiety and worry.
When I try to write things like this, essays about feelings and all that crap, I have a strong desire about halfway through to just rip up the paper. I said up there somewhere thatI am an introvert. Well, I am also a loner. In so many social situations, I find myself wanting to just leave, escape from the nauseating small talk, the trivialities of "How are you?"s and the distance, the odd strangeness and unattached disjunction. I find myself seeing everything in a hypocritical light--though I myself am a hypocrite. Ironic, right? Well I guess I keep seeing irony too.
And I miss my friends. I have a friend named AC. We've been texting alot lately.
Currently I am separated from my friends at a summer school type-thing. The only somewhat good friend I have here is named Friend 1, and she is a red-head. It would be difficult to describe these friends in detail, but I'll include a quick reference chart.
I have another friend named Friend 2. He's hot, totally straight, and such a fun thing to loook at. What can I say? I'm smitten. Apparently, he gets "super gay" when drunk; I'm looking forward to testing that. But I don't just like him for his body; he's also got rather loner-ish tendenceies. And he sees the hypocrisy, too. He sees it and hates it. But he's fun, too. If only, if only, the woodpecker cried.
Now I'm down to two major ones. The first one is named BB; he's a Mormon. We've had many a theistic, meaning-of-life talk. He's such an artist, and his life's ambition is to become a legendary film-maker and reform Hollywood. He is the knower of much about me. (BTW, Friends 1 and 2 don't know about my gayness, but these others do).
And finally, we come to LadyLuck. In the 8th grade, I had a major crush on LadyLuck (it might have started in 7th grade). But either way, she was super cute, smart, and fun. All the things a boy would want. But whether by fate, our mutual shyness, her boyfriend, or some other factor, we never hooked up. And I think I'm glad we didn't. Because now, we are supposedly the best of friends. (It's odd; we don't seem to talk that much anymore.) She was the first person I told, and she must know a whole lot about me. Nobody knows everything, though. Anyway, we're pretty tight.
It's funny. Writing about my friends has vastly improved my mood, though I'm still somewhat in the mood to keep writing. But I have lost my gusto. So, I'll stop here for now. Oh right, I was going to speak to people, my family mostly, and muse about what your lives will be like without me. Okay, so next time. For now, I'm off to play Pokemon."
And I stopped there. I did not resume. But I felt like sharing. So... there it is. Here is the reference chart I said I would include.
| BB - (male) Dreamer, boundary breaker, tester, Mormon | Lady Luck - (female) Super nice, somewhat absent, fun and cute | AC - (female) sarcastic, innocent, nice bamf |
| Friend 1 - (female) Blabbermouth, redhead, nice though a bit of a "leader", best when tired | Friend 2 - (male) Scientific, thinker, of the transvestite, frisbee-playing variety | Friend 3 - (female) Flowery, glomping English major |
| Friend 4 - (female) fiery, reader, "I won't take your shit", 1/2 redhead | Friend 5 - (male) follower of BB, ex-boyfriend of Friend 1 | Friend 6 - (female) Dances with Fire, You should be reading, kind, fun, NAZGUL |
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
I'm back!!
Sorry for leaving you guys with no warning. I realized too late that I had not said goodbye. I was stuck on a college campus for five weeks with only university computers to use--and apparently they monitor those. I didn't really want to risk it. But I'm back now!!
YAY!! Ok, so a lot has happened in the past 6 weeks. Just expositing it to you is a daunting task. But basically, I was at this camp-type-thing where we took a couple college classes in 5 weeks. And it rocked!!
I had a roommate who was my interest double. He was a LotR geek. He liked Naruto and Bleach. He even had the same gameboy (color, broken battery cover and all) and gameboy game I had. Twas freaky. The only two ways we majorly differed were our sexuality and our religion. Also, he was a slight bit more outgoing and social than I am. (friend 1) (I tried to sneak peaks of him in the shower in the morning. I saw him through the foggy shower door several times, but nothing much more than an outline of him. I was kind of disappointed.)
I had a few a good friends while there. Besides my roommate, there were these two girls--one a country-ish blonde, the other a brunette introvert. I think the blond one liked me a bit, but as always I played the role of heart-breaker. I think the brunette really liked me the first two weeks, but then her roommate and I had a bit of a fight--and we became less-close friends because her roommate was an overbearing, self-centered whore sometimes. (friends 2 and 3 and some of 7)
There was this tall guy who was rather fun to be around. He was interesting, really affectionate (he won "most huggable'), and yet not gay. Damn. There was this red-head that I met there, and she was really nice and acted cute. There was a Japanese girl who liked manga and could draw manga-style. I guess our group was full of folks who had random loves and so were somewhat of odd fits in many social groups. (friends 4,5, and 6)
And finally the overbearing, self-centered female from above. She goes to my high school, and we've been good friends for the past year or so. She's a nice girl. She's also a red-head. And she can be really loud. She goes through boys like Sherman through Georgia. And apparently, she is really easy to begrudge. I took her phone for like 20 minutes one night and started 5 conversations with some of OUR friends from before this camp (none of them cared). And she decided to ignore me for a week with the intent of no longer being friends. (She even unfriended me on facebook.) So I'm not on the best terms with her at the moment, but whatever, ya know. If she's that easy to offend, then I don't know if I want to be that good of friends with her. Oh, and the final member of our "group" of friends at the camp: her boyfriend. He was always embarrassed to be around us because we did some stupid things--like shout French and korean words in the university cafeteria to see if people would look (only a few people ever looked, surprisingly)--but he loved hanging out with us. (friends 7 and 8)
And those are the main friends that I made in the past 6 weeks. I'll exposit more later on. For now, I'm going to continue listening to Sufjan Stevens so that I don't feel lonely.
YAY!! Ok, so a lot has happened in the past 6 weeks. Just expositing it to you is a daunting task. But basically, I was at this camp-type-thing where we took a couple college classes in 5 weeks. And it rocked!!
I had a roommate who was my interest double. He was a LotR geek. He liked Naruto and Bleach. He even had the same gameboy (color, broken battery cover and all) and gameboy game I had. Twas freaky. The only two ways we majorly differed were our sexuality and our religion. Also, he was a slight bit more outgoing and social than I am. (friend 1) (I tried to sneak peaks of him in the shower in the morning. I saw him through the foggy shower door several times, but nothing much more than an outline of him. I was kind of disappointed.)
I had a few a good friends while there. Besides my roommate, there were these two girls--one a country-ish blonde, the other a brunette introvert. I think the blond one liked me a bit, but as always I played the role of heart-breaker. I think the brunette really liked me the first two weeks, but then her roommate and I had a bit of a fight--and we became less-close friends because her roommate was an overbearing, self-centered whore sometimes. (friends 2 and 3 and some of 7)
There was this tall guy who was rather fun to be around. He was interesting, really affectionate (he won "most huggable'), and yet not gay. Damn. There was this red-head that I met there, and she was really nice and acted cute. There was a Japanese girl who liked manga and could draw manga-style. I guess our group was full of folks who had random loves and so were somewhat of odd fits in many social groups. (friends 4,5, and 6)
And finally the overbearing, self-centered female from above. She goes to my high school, and we've been good friends for the past year or so. She's a nice girl. She's also a red-head. And she can be really loud. She goes through boys like Sherman through Georgia. And apparently, she is really easy to begrudge. I took her phone for like 20 minutes one night and started 5 conversations with some of OUR friends from before this camp (none of them cared). And she decided to ignore me for a week with the intent of no longer being friends. (She even unfriended me on facebook.) So I'm not on the best terms with her at the moment, but whatever, ya know. If she's that easy to offend, then I don't know if I want to be that good of friends with her. Oh, and the final member of our "group" of friends at the camp: her boyfriend. He was always embarrassed to be around us because we did some stupid things--like shout French and korean words in the university cafeteria to see if people would look (only a few people ever looked, surprisingly)--but he loved hanging out with us. (friends 7 and 8)
And those are the main friends that I made in the past 6 weeks. I'll exposit more later on. For now, I'm going to continue listening to Sufjan Stevens so that I don't feel lonely.
Saturday, June 4, 2011
The one thing I've never had
A sense of belonging. I'm almost always an outsider. I just don't fit anywhere. People love me, but I don't feel like I am a part of their world.
And again, I don't care.
And again, I don't care.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
When all goes to hell
http://concessioncomic.com/
Concession was a good comic. I looked up to Immelmann for a while. I'm abit apathetic about Immelmann now--Concession still elicits good thoughts.
For the past few weeks, I just have not cared about posting. I truly have nothing to say--well nothing that is worth saying and that I can articulate well. The French word for nothing is "rien". The latin for it is "nihil". The French use "of nothing" (de rien) for "you're welcome" (or at least that's what my French teacher told me).
Perhaps I have not cared about posting because I have had nothing to care about lately. In general, there has been nothing worth lamenting lately--at least, that's how it is in my little neck of the woods. Or at least, my life has been going so well that it has drowned out the bad.
Something is growing on me, though. That same loneliness. AC, BB, and a few others have been greatly awesome the past couple weeks, but I want more (not with them; they're fine as is). No, I want a man skilled at pleasing. A scientist worthy of my efforts. A philosopher to teach me. A compatriot to enjoy. A third willing to threesome with me and my nonexistant numero uno. LOOOOOOL.
Something else is now growing on me. Why is life good? I had been assuming that this was a true statement. But now, I realize that I was just making the most of the situation. My life could be so much more. LOL. (btw, lol is not el oh el. It is loll. Like troll with an L at the beginning instead of tr.)
LIFE, WHY CAN'T YOU BE IDEAL!?!?!?! AAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPOOOOOOOOOSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTRRRRRRRRROOOOOPPPPPHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't care.
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